Page 33 of Mouse Trapped

Chapter 14

Mariana

When Drew and Tse visited last week, saying goodbye tore me in two and I lost it. I returned to my prison cell and collapsed on my bed, tears flooding from my eyes as my hands thumped the hard pillow, cursing the world for letting me end up like this. It’s so unfair. All I had to do to keep my DACA status was to abide by every law, which I did. Every action, every thought, taking into account the rights and wrongs of what I should be doing. I even sent Tse away because of his connection to an outlaw motorcycle club, not allowing myself to see him again or know whether we’d have a chance to start a relationship.

Now, through no fault of my own, the authorities think I’m a criminal.What could I have done differently?Except not be in that place at that time.

I constantly go back to that morning, running the events over and over in my head. Knowing the crash had been out of my control. Hating the man who set me up and lied about it.Has he any idea of the landslide of repercussions his actions have caused?Separating me from the only family I have, and who depends on me.

Drew. A man/boy who’d be lost and adrift if it wasn’t for Tse. But why has Tse taken my brother under his wing? Given him shelter? Making sure he’s looked after? It’s not that I’m not grateful, there aren’t enough thanks in the world to give him. But I’m bewildered about the Native American who alwaysseems to be rescuing me. Only this time, he can’t protect me from the bear that’s intent on killing me.

Lying in my cot, I’m certain death or worse is waiting for me should I return to Colombia. From my mother’s brief correspondence with me, I know my father’s in a position to be able to find out anything with his network of connections. He’ll probably be aware I’m there as soon as I step over the border.He wanted me back.He’ll take his revenge on me for returning, and for keeping his son away from him. The son he didn’t know he had, but found out about when he saw the scar my mother got from birthing him. The son he’ll probably want to mould into his own image. I can’t let that happen to Drew. But am I strong enough to fight him?

“¿Estás bien?”

I’m crying again. The woman I’m sharing with is kneeling beside me, her eyes shining with sympathy. She speaks no English, I know hardly any Spanish, but understand enough to realise she’s asking me if I’m okay. I’m about as far from that as I could be, and doubt I’ll ever be right again. I don’t have the words to explain, even in the English she wouldn’t understand, so I just pat her hand, sit up, and attempt to dry my tears on the scratchy sheet.

She’ll be going through her own hell. Separated from her family too, perhaps? I’ve no way of knowing, no way of communicating.This is what it will be like in Colombia.A stranger in the country of my birth. A land so alien to me, the States is all I’ve ever known.

Knowing my distress is upsetting her, I try to pull myself together. Her features now relax, and relieved I’ve stopped my tears, my cellmate goes back to what she was doing. My angst isn’t unusual here. Cries and wails continue through the night as people try to come to terms with being caught up in a relentless machine that treats us little better than animals. I swear theguards don’t even see me as human. I’ve no rights, no dignity. All taken away when Todd Jenkins rammed into me.

Each day is the same. I long for that one hour of sunlight when we’re taken outside, raising my head to the sun, soaking up the rays. My misery so great, I don’t share it with anyone else. Staying on my own, like so many others here. Knowing our fate is already determined, just waiting for the executioner’s axe to fall.

I know Carissa, my lawyer, will be doing her best, but it’s hopeless. Even when I go before a judge, I’ll just be a number, another illegal to be deported. Another DACA recipient who mucked up and got charged with committing a felony. One strike and you’re out. You don’t even need to be found guilty.

“Hey, you.” I look around to see a guard using his finger to beckon to me. I walk across. Something about him seems off, and I’m glad there’s a chain-link fence between us. “You and me, later, okay? I can make your life more comfortable here.”

As his hand briefly covers his groin, I have no doubt what he’s asking. Using one of the few Spanish phrases I know, I respond, “No entiendo.” Hoping if I pretend I don’t know what he’s asking, he’ll leave me alone.

Instead he leers, then shrugs. “Don’t need to speak English, darling. Don’t need to speak at all. I can use that mouth for other things.”

I keep my face blank as though I can’t understand him. When he saunters off, I shudder, my heart racing. I’ve heard rumours of what goes on, but with my other worries I thought they were exaggerated, and naively I thought it wouldn’t happen to me.What the hell do I do?Can the guard make good on his threat?

Not if you don’t let him catch you alone.Moving away from the fence, I place myself in the middle of the women. It becomes my practice to do the same at meal times, avoidingbeing in a corner by myself, keeping my head down, not wanting to draw attention.

That night, in bed, I’m still shaken. Yeah, we’re animals. For the guards’ entertainment. I’m scared stiff, wondering if I’ll be able to prevent having something taken by force that I’ve not had the chance to give willingly. I’ve never dated, never been out with a man. I’m chilled by the thought my virginity could be taken by force. The guards are clever; they’ll make sure no one believed me.

My real fears of the possibility of being raped lead my thoughts to the man who says he’s my fiancé. For a moment, I allow myself to wonder what it would be like if that was true. From what I’ve seen of him, from how he is with Drew, there’s no one I’ve met I’d like better. My situation pushes me into admissions I wouldn’t otherwise have considered. As I lie there in the dead of the night, I know I can’t allow anyone to steal my virginity from me, not when the only man I’ve liked and wanted to give it to is Tse.

Crazy, crazy thoughts. I barely know him.

But that doesn’t seem to matter.I want him.

Another rush of sadness when I realise what I want is not what I’m going to get. I’ll be thousands of miles away, while he’ll be here, living his life.

My nerves are on edge. The next day, completely wound up, I keep jumping as I hear heavy footsteps approaching. But as the hours pass and I remain unmolested, I start to think it was all a bad joke. A guard taunting an inmate. I grow angry instead, how dare they toy with us in such ways?

Trying to put the unpleasant incident behind me, I count off the days until the next visit when Tse has promised he’ll be returning with Drew. I long to see his friendly face and that of my brother. As much as any mother, I worry about Drew constantly.Is he eating enough? Is he keeping up with his schoolwork?How is he getting on in such an alien environment? Is he holding his own, being bullied?The worst thought I have is that he’ll be upset, lonely, and missing our home.All I want is for him to be happy.

Two nights before they are due to visit, a guard comes to fetch me, indicating I should leave my cell. I look at her suspiciously.

“Where are you taking me?”

She’s six feet tall, muscular. Her face wearing that grim expression all the correction officers seem to adopt. “It doesn’t matter where. Just come with me.”

I don’t like this.But what can I do? I’ve no rights here. I can’t protest.It could be something good. My lawyer might have come to visit me.Or,it might be the worst. Tonight, I may get deported.But I haven’t yet been before a judge, they can’t just do that, can they? What do I know? Everything that’s happened recently has been out of my control, why should this be any different?

I follow the prison guard. She stops, unlocks a door, then leads me down a different corridor. It’s quieter here. Dismal. Closed doors to either side. She stops in front of one that’s open, steps back, and waves me inside. The door slams shut behind me, the bolt ominously clanging.

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