Page 29 of Full Throttled

“I see that.” Zoey looks away before turning around to face me again. She raises her sunglasses to the top of her head. “I’m nervous Drake.”

“About Zayde?” I ask her and she nods. I reach out and give her upper arms a light squeeze before resting my hands there. “Don’t be. He’s calmed down now and wants to talk. This is the Zayde you know. The one earlier was the boy you left with a broken heart, who lost his way. Go in there and be his Zoey, his anchor.”

She squares her shoulders and nods. Just as she’s about to reach the door, it opens and Zayde stands there for a moment. Everything seems to freeze as they stare at each other, both unsure about what to say or do. Finally, Zayde steps out and pulls Zoey into a tight embrace. I hear her start to sniffle and I know then that everything might just be okay after all.

Twenty-Two

Zoey

It’s frightening how easy it is to forget that Aubree isn’t mine. She’s the sweetest and most adorable child, so it’s easy to be consumed by the overwhelming amount of love I have for her. I can’t imagine how her mother could just leave her like that. Then again, I never could figure out how my own mother did that to Zayde and I. I guess some people just really aren’t cut out to be parents.

The other frightening aspect right now is Drake. Something is shifting between us. I can feel it. He’s looking at me so differently. I mean maybe he used to look at me like this. Zayde used to tease me about Drake being in love with me back when we were teenagers, but I never believed him. In my eyes I was broken, damaged goods. My father’s verbal lashings had left me feeling unworthy. In my mind, I knew there was no way I could ever deserve a guy like Drake so I just ignored any and all signs that Zayde swore were right in front of me. I took Drake the only way I felt like I could…as a friend.

Today, he had grabbed my hand and held it in the car. We’d had a moment before that where I thought he might try and kiss me. I would have let him because I’m selfish enough to do so. I mean, I know I still don’t deserve him but at least now I realize and admit what I really want. I don’t know how I missed it back then. Drake was always there, my rock, my knight, my anchor. He was everything without me ever acknowledging it.

The car ride to the clubhouse was quiet and left me to stir in my own thoughts. It was a lot to be back here however, Zayde’s words earlier threatened to break me so as the clubhouse comes into view, I try to find the girl I used to be. The version of me who knows how to let those words slide off her back without digesting them. My father said things often and most of the time I managed to keep myself in check. Yes, sometimes I faltered. I let the hurt stew and get the best of me before burying myself in some trouble to mask the hurt I felt, but I couldn’t be that version of me. I needed to be the stronger, smarter version.

Drake asks if I’m okay. I could lie, but what’s the point? I mean, let’s face it; this guy knows me better than I’ll ever care to admit. Sometimes, I feel like I’m a book he read while I was sleeping and memorized all his favorite lines. I feel vulnerable and open with Drake and that’s scary, but it’s also the best feeling in the world. I know when he looks at me that he knows what I’m thinking. I don’t have to speak if I don’t want to.

We watch Ransom playing with Aubree. It’s shocking to say the least. He’s a huge guy and the last thing I expected was to see him turn into an overgrown kid around her but it’s also really heartwarming. I finally find that backbone and head toward the door of the clubhouse.Itopens before I reach it, Zayde’s eyes instantly find mine. Holding me in my spot as if he froze my entire body with just one look and maybe he did because I’m not even sure I’m breathing right now.

Zayde closes the distance between us and before I can register what is happening, his arms are pulling me into his chest. I bask in the feeling of familiarity. It’s been so long since anyone has hugged me and truly meant for it to be comforting. Aside from the other night when Drake held me while I cried over my father’s death.I bury my nose into his chest, breathing in the scent of his clean fresh laundry scent mixed with coffee, it’s Zayde’s scent. It’s overwhelming and I feel everything inside of me crumble. Every bad decision and mistake flashes through my mind and the pain of missing him and my life here over these years.

Everything when it hits me shakes like an earthquake as all my defenses come crashing to the ground leaving nothing but rumble in its wake. It starts with a sniffle. A tiny sniffle. That burn in your eyes of threatening tears. That lump that clogs your throat from overwhelming emotion. The constricting of your lungs as it tries to draw in a desperate breath. The anxiety that awakes in every cell of your body just before that thin line of strength breaks, before you break. That sniffle led to the uncontrollable and all-consuming sob that ripped itself from the very core of my being. I clingto Zayde like the lifeline he had been for me as kids. Before I know it though, there is another set of arms wrapping around us, from behind me. Drake. My other lifeline. I didn’t even realize how incredibly sad and alone I had been until this moment.

Zayde leans into my ear and the warmth of his breath tickles my skin, but I can’t laugh. I can only cryat thismoment. “I’m sorry, Zoey. I’m so damn sorry.”

That’s all he says, but that’s all he needs to. I know he didn’t mean what he said earlier. I know it was his way of hurting me the way I had hurt him. His heart races against my ear causing mine to break in a whole new way, a way I never knew was possible.

For most of our lives, I think I took Zayde for granted. I took his love and protection for me as something so simple. I never knew how monumental it was to have someone love me through the good and the bad. To protect me against everyone including our father. I knew Zayde did it, but I never realized just how much it meant to me until it was gone. Until it was just me against the world.

Twenty-Three

Zoey

Once I’ve regained control over my emotions and my tears have dried up, the boys back away from me. Drake clears his throat. “I’m going to grab Aubree and get her changed. You two should talk but if you need me, I’ll be around,” he explains. He gives Zayde a pointed look which Zayde responds to with a nod of his head. Before leaving, he squeezes my shoulder and then turns to holler for Aubree to give Ransom a break for a minute.

Zayde grabs my arm. “Let’s go inside?” I nod my head and follow him through the front door. As we enter, all eyes are on us. I can’t help but feel like one of the animals at the zoo. I always felt bad for them being stuck behind the glass and being watched through it by all the spectators. That’s what I feel like right now. As we reach the staircase at the end of the hallway, Zayde hesitates and goes for his bedroom door. I continue to head for mine. “Zoey.”

I wave my hand in dismissal. “Don’t worry about it. I cleaned it all up.”

Hurt flashes through Zayde’s eyes, but he sighs before nodding his head and following me up the stairs. I open the door and make a beeline for the bed. I’m nervous which makes my legs shake, so it’s probably better to just have a seat now. Zayde follows me slowly before sinking down on the bed and facing me. His eyes roam over the room, taking it in and I can’t help but wonder which memories are floating around in that head of his. I could tell by the faraway look in his eyes that heislost in thought. We often spent nights in here watching movies or studying for school. Finally, his eyes meet mine. “I’m sorry, Zoey. When I tore up your room, I was just so damn mad at you and I didn’t think you’d ever come back.”

I knew he was mad at me and I didn’t blame him. Leaving for me was the only way I knew how to survive everything, but leaving in Zayde’s eyes was abandonment. I should have at least told him, but I didn’t have the guts. “It’s okay. I know why you did it. To be honest, if the roles were reversed, I’m not sure my reaction would have been any different. I do have a question though.” I pause, and Zayde nods his head for me to continue. “Why did you think I’d never come back?”

Zayde stands up abruptly and begins to pace the room, rubbing a hand down his face and through his hair. “Because everyone that leaves stays gone. No one comes back here.” I nod my head because I know he’s thinking about our mother. Silence falls between us and we stay like that for a bit. Finally, Zayde stops pacing and turns around to meet my eyes. “Does Drake know why you left?” I shake my head no. Zayde is the only one that could truly put that puzzle together. “You should tell him. He’d understand so much better.”

“Why haven’t you?” I counter.

Zayde looks up towards the ceiling. “It wasn’t my story, Zoey. It wasn’t my place to explain your life to him. I won’t lie there were a few times when I wanted to come clean and explain it to him. Especially, when I could tell he was missing you and when he rushed into things with Jules. God, I wanted to tell him so badly because I could see he was trying to replace you with her. I knew he was still missing you. He thought Jules could fill that void, butshecouldn’t. She never cared about him the way he allowed himself to believe he cared about her.”

“Wait, you don’t think he loved her?”

Zayde shakes his head. “I’m sure he thought he did, but no I don’t think he really did. It’s hard to love someone when you don’t even have your heart.”

I can’t handle this talk anymore. I need a moment to breathe without bombshells being dropped on me. I don’t know if Zayde is right or not, but I’m too afraid to let my hopes get up. I can’t afford the fallout. “Is that why you changed the club up?” Zayde’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “You cleaned house on this place, not that I’m complaining but was it because of what happened?”

He nods his head slowly. “Yeah, it took everything in me not to burn this place to the ground after you left. Thankfully, I pretty much lived at Drake’s. His parents are the best. Even after he moved out to be with Jules, I stayed. At least, until Dad got sick. At that point, Barker was already part of the club and I could see how it could be turned around with his help.”

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