Page 42 of Rivals

By the time I reach my car I’m clear headed and focused. My pit crew does the last-minute run through while Maxton barks orders at them. He makes sure my suit and helmet are secure before knocking on the top of my helmet four times. Another one of those good luck rituals. Once I slide into the car everything becomes a blur. We move to our lineup and wait for the flag. “Deep breaths my brother, deep breaths,” Maxton tells me, just before the flag drops and the cars lunge forward in a race we’ll never forget.

Forty-Four

Sutton

I wake up and feel the warmth next to me. My smile is instant, until I remember it’s not Rathe but Jakob beside me. Quietly, I crawl out of the bed. What the hell am I doing? I mean yes Jakob and I have history but that’s not necessarily a good thing. Our past hasn’t always been good and despite how sweet and encouraging he’s been lately I still have my doubts. I still don't trust him. To be honest, Jakob has never given me much reason to trust him. I know a lot of why I’m spending time with him is to dull the ache of missing Rathe. I don’t know how I allowed myself to grow so attached to him in such a little amount of time.

The sixth race of the season is tomorrow. I need to pack for it but right now I just need a break from life. In the dark I get dressed before I quietly leave the house and head for the one place, I’ve always been able to outrun my life. When I pull up, I almost turn back around and leave because I see Rathe’s truck sitting in the lot. For a long time, I sit in the parking lot staring at this truck. I know I need to suck it up. He’s my teammate and I can’t avoid him forever. It’s not his fault I messed up and made what happened between us out to be more than it was. It’s also not his fault I became a jealous mess when I saw him with that girl. Technically, I owe him an apology but that doesn’t mean he’ll get one from me.

Eventually, I decide that I just need to be an adult about all of this. Part of the issue is I don’t know how to be an adult about all of this when it comes to Rathe. He made me feel so much so quickly. It was overwhelming and scary but then he reminded me that in this world I’m always second best. My head hasn’t been on the track at all! My first official race went better than I could have hoped. I placed third which was amazing, but it all went downhill from there. I’ve stayed in the fourth and fifth position for the last four races but it’s not where I want to be. The only silver lining is that Rathe has been on the top three every race aside from the opening. It’s been amazing to see him really drive again. Of course, Colton Donavan is leading the pack at the top of his game, as always.

I’m surprised when I hit the stands but see no car on the track. Instead, I see Rathe sitting on the front row, his head down, resting in his hands. I can tell by the hunch of his shoulders that something is bothering him. I’m not sure why I move towards him, but my feet seem to follow my heart's desire and not my head’s logic these days. He must hear me as I approach because he looks up as I reach him. “Sutton.”

“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here.” I’m not sure what to do, so I just stand awkwardly halfway to him. A huge part of me wants to close the distance, climb into his lap and wrap my arms around his neck while kissing him as if my next breath depends on him. I won’t do that, but I want to so damn badly, but he’ll never know that.

Rathe nods his head slowly. “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep tonight.”

I let the silence hang between us for a minute to see if he is going to elaborate but when he doesn’t, I know I need to say something. I mean, we might be on odd terms right now but I’m still here for him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The heavy sigh that comes from his body breaks a part of my heart for him. “It’s just I thought I was moving past this shit. I was really driving again for the first time since the wreck. I was winning and my anxiety was there, but it wasn’t controlling me like it had been. Then tonight, I had a nightmare, a flashback is more like it and everything goes to shit again.”

I step towards him as he stands and starts to pace back and forth along the fence that separates the stands from the track. His hands run through his hair relentlessly and every muscle in his body is tense. “Was the nightmare about the wreck?”

A laugh that sounds more strangled than any other sound I've ever heard comes from him. “It wasn’t about the wreck...it was the wreck. Playing out in my mind in a very clear, very slow-motion kind of way. You know the kind where it just messes with your head until you can’t see straight?” I nod in response. “It was one of those!”

“Oh Rathe,” I start to say, but he cuts me off.

“No, don’t give me that sympathy crap,” he bites out.

I step back, completely caught off guard. “I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were. You accused me of the same thing the night of the Corporate Cares gala. You didn’t want it and you should understand that I don't want it either.”

Technically, he’s right, but I just want to help. “Rathe, that’s a little harsh isn’t it? I’m just trying to help.”

“And I wasn’t? I mean, you think I was just playing some sick game with you. I wasn’t but it didn’t stop you from walking away from me and running right back to your ex, did it?” When he spins around to look at me, I see so much emotion in his eyes that I have to look away. He closes the distance between us, wraps a hand around the back of my neck and pulls me into him until his mouth crushes down on mine. This kiss is everything and too much all at the same time. It steals the air from my lungs while giving my body the freedom to float. He pulls away, we’re both breathless, his forehead rests against mine. “He’s not right for you. You’ll see it. By the end of the season, you’ll know I meant everything I didn’t say but tried to show. I could have loved that fearless girl on the track full of spunk and sass. Bring her back to me. Don’t run away from me Sutton.”

His scent engulfs me and makes me feel safe even if I know it’s just a ploy my mind is doing. I know that no one is ever truly safe. Rathe’s words are beautiful, but they’ll be what breaks me if I let them. I take a moment to let them sink in, because I still selfishly want them. Taking a deep breath, I breathe him and save it to my memory. “Rathe, I owe you an apology for trying to make this more than what it was. I got carried away, but you can’t love me because you don’t know me. You and I would never work out. I mean the contract was enough reason for us not to happen without everything else. Now, there’s Jakob that I have to consider in everything as well.”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“No, we have a history and that means something, but I’m still here if you need to talk,” I offer.

Rathe shakes his head. “He’s using you Sutton. I can see it and I don’t even know the douchebag, but you’ll see. At the end of the season, you’ll know that somehow the two of us are meant for one another. You’re mine Sutton, plain and simple. Run for now, but eventually, I’m going to catch up and you won’t be able to lie to me or yourself when I do.” Rathe wraps an arm around my abdomen and pulls me into him, pressing a kiss to my temple before he walks away.

My knees are weak, and I have to sit before I fall. Tears slip from my eyes because I know Jakob isn’t the one for me. I’m using him to hide behind but Rathe sees that and what does he mean by wait until the end of the season? I stare at the empty, dark track until my eyes dry and my head has more questions that it could possibly handle. When I stand up, I decide I have to focus on me and my racing. I have to forget about Jakob, and I have to forget about Rathe...even if that seems impossible.

Forty-Five

Rathe

We’re down to the last five races of the season. I’ve been staying high in the rankings which has been great for me and the sponsors. Colton Donavan has been winning basically everything, but I’m good with that. We’re both working towards the same goal right now. Sutton has managed to snag a couple of third places but mostly she’s been staying just right outside the top three positions. Overall, though for her rookie years it’s been great.

I watch her every damn chance I get, but I haven’t talked to her since the night she showed up at the track and I laid my claim on her. It seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but now I don’t know. She’s still with Jakob and I guess somehow, I had been hoping that she’d come back to me after I made the confession. Instead, it’s seemed to have pushed them closer together. Jakob still isn’t trustworthy, I’m sure of that but I have no proof to make her believe me. So, I just have to wait for her to figure it out on her own or until the end of the season when she sees what I’ve been doing for her.

Dr. Panko, an older man with thinning gray hair and wire rim glasses that he wears low on his nose, studies me from his chair across the room. “So, you’ve been doing very well in racing, how does the anxiety feel?”

I nod my head as I think about it. “It feels a lot better than it did. I’m thankful for that. Like you said I still have my moments or days, but it’s much better than it was. It’s manageable.”

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