Page 24 of Autumn Skies & Pumpkin Pies

“He didn’t cause it. He just reminded me,” I whisper.

The car ride is silent until we reach my house. It looks like every other house. The white siding and baby blue shutters are clean and freshly painted. The porch has my table and two rocking chairs on one side and my swing on the other. The front yard has just been cut back, thanks to some of my neighbors' sons. It looks like every other house, but you’d never know just how broken the girl living inside is. Keefer turns to me and takes my hand in his. He’s so warm and I’m so cold. “Have you told Rocker?”

“No, I don’t need or want a bunch of sympathy. Besides, I don’t like to talk about it.”

Keefer sighs and drops his head back against the headrest of the seat. “I understand that, I really do, but if you want a chance with Rocker, you need to tell him.”

“Why? So, he can leave me like Kaden? It’s better if I leave. It hurts less,” I tell him. That’s not exactly true, but if I leave then I have no one but myself to blame. I like that better. I don't want to blame Rocker. In my mind, he’s such a huge part of my good memories. I don’t want to tarnish those with any more pain and hurt.

Keefer scoffs. “Rocker isn’t Kaden, Warbee. You need to realize that. Rocker loved you and to be honest, I think the guy still does but you never give him a chance to choose you. You always push him away and leave. Kaden is the only guy you gave half a chance to and he didn’t even deserve it. You deserve more than you allow yourself to have Bee.”

He’s right and I know it, but my head has its own logic on the matter. “I know they aren’t the same, but Rocker would settle if he chose me.”

“I think that should be his decision. What you call settling might make him the happiest man on earth,” he tells me quietly.

The floodgates are open again. “I can’t give him that option. He was willing to leave his football career behind for me once upon a time. I couldn’t let him do that then and I can’t let him do that now. I loved him too much to let him and a part of me loves him now. I’ll always love him to some degree, but that means I have to be the one to walk away when it needs to be done because he won’t.”

“Damn it, Warbee.”

I lean over and wrap my arms around him. “Thank you for coming to get me. I love you. Be safe getting home and tell your family I said hi.” I climb out of the car and rush towards my front door. The sobs break free and the tears run freely. Sassy takes off running across the floor, in the opposite direction once more. The house has seen enough tears for one day. Somehow, I manage to get myself up off the floor, stripped out of my clothes and into a hot shower. I’m still standing in the now cold shower when Teaganne shows up. She yanks the shower curtain back, but I’m so numb I don’t even make a sound. I just stare at her.

“Oh goodness Bee,” she tells me, as she grabs a towel and climbs into the shower with me. She turns off the water and pulls me into arms while I cry more tears, I didn’t know I had.

After the crying subsides once more Teaganne helps me out of the shower and to get dressed and dry my hair before tucking me into my bed. I’m numb and exhausted, but I don’t want to be alone. “Teaganne.”

“I know, honey. I’m just going to change then I’ll be right back.” By the time she returns I must be asleep, because when I wake up hours later, she’s on the other side of the bed with Sassy between us. When I pull my phone to check the time, I find my phone’s notifications empty. No calls or texts from Rocker, not that I want him to do that. I want him to be happy and have everything he wants even if it can’t be with me. I lay the phone back down and roll over.

Twenty-Three

Rocker

It’s been over a week since Warbee walked away from me at the festival. A week of avoiding the bakery and Warbee. A week of avoiding everything that had become a habit in my life so quickly. It’s not that I’ve changed my mind about her. I still want Warbee in my life more than anyone else, but the problem is she won’t let me in. I know Warbee well enough to know that she’s not going to let me in until she wants to. I’m just worried she may never want to.

I miss her. The way she laughed at my dumb jokes. How her cheeks flooded with blush when I complimented her. The way she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth after I kissed her. Her cinnamon and spice scent that seems to cling to her everywhere she goes. How she rolled her eyes at me when I’d try to act cool, but she knew I was just pretending. I just miss her. It’d only been a few weeks and, yet, just like before she became such an important part in my life. I’d give anything to see her right now. The worst part is, I could see her right now. I could march through the halls to the cooking class and see her but what good would that do us?

Being so close to her and knowing I can’t have her is a new form of torture that I never expected. I’m trying to do what Keefer asked me to do when he showed up at my house after dropping her off. He told me to give her time and that she’d come around, but I’m not sure that’ll happen now.

I was sitting on my porch, beer in hand, trying to figure out what in the hell was going on with Warbee. She’s holding something inside and until she wants to share it with me, we can’t move forward. I wish I could make her understand that no matter what it is, it won’t change how I feel about her. Warbee has her own logic though and until she decides to change it, she won’t. I listen as a few straggling crickets and birds sing in the darkened night air. Blue Ridge is so different from Nashville where I was living. It’s loud and active constantly. You never hear the quiet there.

Headlights appear in my driveway and I recognize Keefer’s tiny rental car. When he gets out, I can tell by the tense muscles of his body he’s not sure what to expect. As he approaches, I ask, “Is she okay?”

“I’m sorry, man. She called and I couldn’t leave her hanging.”

I hold up my hand to silence him. I’m not upset with him for picking her up. I’m glad she had him to call because she clearly didn’t want to be with me any longer. “I’m glad you came to get her. She obviously needed to be away from me so I’m glad you were there. Is she okay?”

Keefer sighs. “I don’t know. She’d be a lot better if she would just listen to someone and talk to you.”

That pisses me off. “What in the hell are you talking about? What is the damn big secret that everyone else seems to know about except me?”

“I can’t. I wish I could, but it’s not my story or place to tell you. That’s between you and Bee and you know her. She’ll tell you when she’s ready,” he says. Keefer gives me an apologetic smile.

I take a deep breath before standing up and walking to the end of my porch, resting my hands against the railing. I stare out at the trees that darken the perimeter of my cabin. “You know, I thought I had everything before, living the dream and what not. I mean, I had my dream career, a career most would kill for a chance at. Money was of no worry for me and women were a dime a dozen. Then I got hurt and it all ended. Before I knew it, I was back here, and I wasn’t really mad about that. I wasn’t exactly happy either. I was just here. At first, when I was recovering from the surgery I would ask why? I wanted some big answers. Then I got here, and I saw Warbee and it’s like it all made sense. I was going to be one lucky son of a bitch because I was going to get to live both of my dreams.” I turn around to face Keefer. “Because that’s what Warbee is to me, a dream. She was a dream I never gave much thought to until she was mine. Then I realized she was the real dream I wanted. She was the dream that could last a lifetime. Warbee was the one thing that could be there long after football had ended for me.”

Keefer lets out a low whistle. “Do you still love her?”

For a lot of people, his question would be a difficult one, but for me it’s the easiest. “Yeah, I don’t think I truly ever stopped. I never seriously dated anyone in all the time we’ve been apart. Back then I never gave it too much thought. Warbee was an untouchable topic for me. My parents never brought her up and I never asked. Hell, I didn’t even know Bee’s Batter was hers. But then I saw her, and that instant connection was still there, but it wasn’t until I kissed her that I realized I was still in love with her.”

Silence hangs between us and Keefer looks uncomfortable. Finally, he speaks. “Look, I wish I could tell you. Hell, I wish you would have asked about her throughout the years, but all I can say is give her some time. She truly cares about you still. Warbee has been through some shit and her logic needs time to know that you aren’t going anywhere when you find everything out. I know this probably isn’t helping, but it’s the best I can give you right now.” I roll my eyes. Vague answers are the worst, but it seems like that’s all I’ll be getting tonight. “I know you must be frustrated and I’m sorry for making it worse. I just wanted to ask you to give her some time. I’m heading back to Atlanta, but I’ll be in town next weekend.”

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