Page 10 of Autumn Leaves and Pumpkins Please

“Are you staying here for a while?”

He shakes his head. Stray chunks of hair slip from the hair tie. I watch as his arms reach up and set the chocolate strands free. “No, I’m just grabbing us some food then I’ll be back out.”

“You didn’t have to get me food again,” I tell him.

His broad shoulders rise with a shrug. “I know, but I wanted to.”

We stare at each other for a fleeting moment. I remember he asked me a question. “I’ll wait.” Jayse nods his head once and hops out of the truck. I watch as he heads inside. Most of the time he keeps his head down, but every head in the area turns to watch him. Once he disappears inside the restaurant, all of those curious eyes turn to me. I try to hunch down farther into the seat but there’s no escape from them. Something tells me this isn’t Jayse’s normal which makes me curious what exactly is going on here. I may not know much about most of the people in this town because I’m not from here originally and I don’t listen to much gossip, but I have noticed that my broody neighbor spends the majority of his time alone.

Jayse reappears with a bright red bag of food and a drink holder with two large cups sitting in it. I pop my door open, and he heads my way. “Here we go. Dinner for two,” he playfully says. His tone is light and teasing but there is a tension lurking in his eyes. I must admit he’s good and plays off the things that bother him, but I think he’s aware that he’s being watched and he’s uncomfortable because of it. “Are you good?” he asks, and I nod before he shuts the door and walks around the back of the truck and climbs back inside. The smell of juicy hamburgers and hot French fries fill the cab of the truck and my stomach growls in hunger. Jayse looks at me and we burst out laughing. Laughter takes us both over for some unknown reason and the tension eases. It takes a moment for it to subside, and we dry our eyes and Jayse backs out of the parking spot.

The country radio plays quietly as we head towards the outskirts of town. Anxiety fills me once more.Anxiety is something I've become better at controlling.Normally, it doesn’t affect me so much, but right now, I’m struggling. “Where are we going?”

“I told you it's a surprise.”

I shake my head vigorously. “No, you said it was an idea. You plainly said it wasn’t a surprise.” My tone must sound harsh. Jayse is turning us down one of the old dirt back roads. Blue Ridge has plenty, but I’ve never been one to explore on my own.

Jayse chuckles. “Would you just trust me?”

Trust. There is something I don’t give out easily. I used to give my trust away like candy on Halloween, but I learned, and I learned the hard way. Trust has to be earned and it’s not an easy thing to earn. You can’t just throw it at a handsome face or pretty words. Memories from my life before Blue Ridge start to flood my mind and my chest constricts tightly. Breathing becomes difficult. All I can think is not here, not now, I haven’t felt panic growing within me in a couple of years. Right after I arrived it happened often, usually when I was alone and felt like he might have found me, but those thoughts and feelings have left me since then and so had the overwhelming feeling of panic. I don’t want to do this in front of Jayse. My eyes squeeze shut, and I try to calm myself but it’s not working. I gasp and I feel the truck yank towards the side of the road.

I keep my eyes shut to try and help the growing panic. When the passenger side door of the truck is yanked open, I’m startled. My eyelids fly open and Jayse is standing in front of me. “Capri, you need to breathe. You’re having a panic attack.” I shake my head, unable to speak. Jayse quickly moves the food and drinks from my hands, undoes the seatbelt and pulls me from the truck. He puts me on my feet, but my legs are useless, and I wobble. He wraps an arm around my waist to steady me, the other soothingly moves my hair back from my face. “Just breathe, Capri. Focus on me and breathe.”

After a few moments, things started to return to normal in my body. Jayse’s stormy gray eyes meet mine. I feel the flush of embarrassment rush through me, and I look away. Jayse’s fingers rest under my chin and urge me to look back at him. “It was just a slight panic attack.”

“Yeah, I used to have them often,” I admit quietly.

His head tips to the side and his hair falls over one side of his face. My fingers itch to move it and see if they feel as silky as they look. “If you ever want to talk, I’ll be happy to listen.”

I take a step back and stare at him, studying him from a different view. His eyes are lingering in the distance between us. I hold my breath in the moment. Do I trust him, or do I walk away? I know what I should do and then I know what I want to do. “Let’s just say, my past is a bit complicated.”

Jayse’s hand comes up to scratch at the five o’clock shadow coming in on his jaw. “I think that can be said for a lot of us.”

“This is different.” I can feel myself folding in on me. Closing off from him and the rest of the world. Adding another layer of brick to the already impossibly high wall of defense I’ve built around my heart. I’m not so sure it can withstand another crack let alone a full break. “You wouldn’t understand.”

He takes a step back, leans against his truck and stares at me. His eyes open and honest, all guards down. It’s the first time his eyes have ever looked...vulnerable. “You might be surprised.”

“Would I?” My tone has a bite to it. Jayse doesn’t deserve the attitude, but it's my go to defense mechanism. A chilly autumn breeze blows around us. The leaves rustle in the trees surrounding us. I wrap my arms around myself, to fight off the chill or to lock myself back away, I’m not sure.

Jayse’s eyes grow colder and close to a glare. “Yeah, you would. Do you think I live my life like this for the hell of it? Because it’s fun? No, I have a history, too, and trust me when I say it’s not pretty. It’s actually about as ugly as this part of my body,” he says, as he points to the angry scars that cover a good portion of his body from what I can tell. His voice grows louder with each word. I flinch with each one. He must notice, because he turns around and rests his hands on the truck and hangs his head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice.”

His apology stings. Maybe it shouldn’t, but to flinch because someone raised their voice in a heated moment...well, it’s just another reminder of my past and how it has changed me. “It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. I could probably guess some of your past, but I don’t like to assume things about people.”

“Why not? The rest of the town does.” Without realizing it, I’ve taken two steps towards him. The distance between us is growing smaller.

He chuckles darkly, it doesn’t sound like his other laughs. This one is different. Laced with sadness and sarcasm. “Yeah, that one I do know. It’s the main reason why I don't assume things.”

The way his broad shoulders sag and he shakes his head in disgust makes me want to close the distance completely and wrap my arms around his waist. Some part of me knows how foolish that is. I know better. I’ve tried and tried and tried to make things work when they aren’t meant to. Relationships aren’t in the cards for me. I vowed to never need anyone again, but there’s this invisible thread pulling me towards Jayse. It holds me captive, unable to go too far. I watch him when no one else knows, amazed by how graceful he is. My ears could hear the sound of his voice in a room full of noise because I listened so intently to every word he said in my presence throughout my time in Blue Ridge. This invisible thread won’t let me keep my vow. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and dissolve the space between us. “For the record, I don’t assume things. I don’t know your story or history. Gossip was never something I listened to.”

He looks at me from the corner of his eye before standing back up. His eyes leave mine as he stares across the road into the trees beyond. “I’ve made mistakes and in a town this size everyone knows them. I carry my own guilt with me on a daily basis, but I also carry this town's blame with me.”

My hand reaches out and wraps around his bicep. “That can’t be true, Jayse. The town loves you. Everyone calls on you when something breaks.”

“Because they need something fixed, not because they need me.”

His broken and defeated tone pulls at my heartstrings. “You save the day for every person who calls you.”

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