Page 14 of Autumn Leaves and Pumpkins Please

I laugh, but it’s harsh and there is no real amusement in the sound. “Strength? I don’t have strength, Jayse. I run whenever things get too hard. I live my life looking over my shoulder constantly wondering if Kurt has caught up to me yet. I’m a freaking mess!” I throw my hands up in frustration. “Every day I wake up wondering if it’s all going to come crashing down. Kurt told me I was his, he owned me, and I’d never be free. I believed him. I still do. Eventually, my past life will catch up with me. I can’t run from the devil forever.”

Spinning away from him, I busy myself with organizing the already clean canister set on the counter. “You thought he had found you tonight.” Jayse doesn’t ask, he simply states. “That’s why you were so emotional when you opened the door.” The moment he starts to move towards me I back away. “Capri, I’m not him. I get that he wasn’t a good guy but no matter what I’ll do what I can to protect you. He won’t get to you if he ever finds you.” His hands wrap around my upper arms and pull me into his chest. I want to fight it, but I’m utterly exhausted. For a long time, we stand there like this. Jayse holding me. I breathe in the scent of mint and wood, all things that will forever remind me of Jayse. I’m supposed to be learning from my mistakes but instead I’m falling for yet another man. While I don’t think he will ever lay a hand on me the way Kurt or Eddie did, I do believe he will be the one to destroy my heart without ever meaning to.

TWELVE

Jayse

After we finished cleaning Bee’s Batter, I took out the trash as Capri locked the back door. She had been so shaken up by the power being out. I hadn’t expected to find her in such distress. When she started crying, it broke my heart. I wanted to take all her fear away from her. Then she became defensive. I know she wants answers, and she deserves them, but I’m just not ready to give them yet. I wish I was. She has been the first person I’ve wanted to open up to since that tragic night, but I just don't know how yet. When she started to lash out at me, I understood it was just a defense mechanism, but it was difficult to take for a moment.

Once she’s safely tucked away in her car, I pull around her and lead us out of the alley and back through town to her apartment. Every few seconds I glance at my rearview mirror to make sure she is still there, following me through the darkened streets of Blue Ridge. Cops are parked at all the major intersections in town to direct any traffic that might be out, but for the most part the roads are empty. We passed one car the entire drive. Finally, we pulled up to Carpi’s apartment. I park behind her and make my way towards her. It’s an eerie feeling with complete darkness around us. “Do you want to come to my house?” The invitation is out of my mouth before I can even think about it. The entire drive I knew I had wanted to stay with her, wanted to protect her and calm the anxiety that had left her body rigid. I knew I’d never invite myself in and there was a good chance she wouldn't extend an invitation. Clearly, she was a little frustrated with me, understandably so.

With the darkness I can’t see her face clearly, but I can feel the shock of my invitation coming off her in waves. “What?”

Suddenly, my mouth felt like cotton. My tongue seemed welded to the roof of my mouth. Nerves set off in my body like fireworks on the fourth of July. “Hmm... I was wondering if you wanted to come to my house. I mean with the electricity and everything off it might be nice to not be alone. Plus, I have a generator that I can start up if it stays off too long.”

“Are you sure?” she asks.

There’s a good chance that she's noticed a certain pattern I have. If she’s paid attention over the period of time we have lived across from one another then she more than likely knows that no one comes into my house except my parents, sister and Everett. That house has been a safe haven since I purchased it and started to fix it up. It was something that helped me through my darkest days shortly after the accident happened. My house is the one place I always feel like I don’t have to put on a show for everyone else, I don’t have to hide. “Yes, I’m sure.” My voice sounds more assured than I feel. I hold my breath while I wait for her answer.

“Okay.” It’s a simple answer. One word. However, it makes me both excited and nervous. The idea of having Capri inside the walls of my safe haven is hard to explain. Excitement over it is the pure fact that I enjoy being around her. Everything about her brings a calm over me, silences my demons that can be so loud. She is something completely unique. I’m nervous because there’s a good chance this could make or break whatever is going on between us. I didn’t plan on having her over so evidence of my former life could possibly, and probably will, be seen. I’ll have no choice but to explain, but then again maybe that’s why I invited her. A part of me is terrified that I’ll never explain my history to her because I’m a coward. She thinks I’m a hero of some sort, but in reality, I’m a terrified little boy. If something doesn’t intervene to make me explain everything to her, I might never face it. Sure, she could ask around and find out about me, but I’d rather she hears my side of the story.

Without another thought, I hit the button to lock my truck and take her hand in mine. I lead us across the alley and through the backyard, up to my back door. I push it open and lead us inside. Releasing her hand, I make my way to the kitchen counter where I left the candles sitting and light them once more. “Do you not lock your door?” Capri asks.

I shake my head. “Not my back door.”

“That doesn’t worry you?”

I pass one of the candles to her and she takes it as I lead us to the living room. We take a seat on the couch on opposite ends. She kicks her Converse off and pulls her legs under her. “I grew up here. Blue Ridge has very little crime. Besides, if someone is that desperate then they must really need whatever they’re after.”

“What if you walk in on someone while trying to rob your house? They could kill you!” Her seafoam green eyes are bugged out as she stares at me. The candlelight has given her a golden glow and it does something to my heart.

My shoulders shrug. “That’s the least of my worries.” Capri shakes her head. “I was never one to be afraid of death. I think to a certain extent you have to come to peace with that before you sign up to be a firefighter. It’s your job to run into open flames and unknown situations. When everyone else is running away from the flames, you have to run into them. You have to depend on man-made equipment and suits and all you have to survive is the grace of God. You have to make yourself okay with the possibility of dying every single day.”

Silence falls upon us. She stares at me, studying me in a way that is kind of uncomfortable. “You seem to have really loved it. Why did you quit?”

At that exact moment, the lights come back on. Saved by the lights, you could say. I smile at her. “Looks like the lights are back.”

A sadness crosses her face. “So, it seems.”

“Don’t get too excited,” I tease her, as I nudge her knee with one of my feet.

“I kind of liked the dark once I got used to it.”

My eyebrows pull together in confusion. There’s no way she liked the dark. It sent her into a downward spiral earlier. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah, you seemed more open in the dark.”

Her words sink into my skin and pour into my soul. I stand up and head to the kitchen. Rummaging through the cabinets, all I can find is some boxed instant rice and canned Chinese Chicken Chow Mein. “Are you hungry?” I ask her.

She laughs. “I used to love this stuff!”

“Good, since it’s all I have. I don’t cook much. Most of the time I just grab something from one of the food places in town.”

“That makes sense,” she says. “If you give me the pans, I’ll cook it.”

As I grab the pans, I pass them to her, but I’m still going to help. “You asked why I quit.” She stops opening the can and stares at me. I don’t meet her eyes, but I can feel them on me. “I went into being a firefighter right after high school. I was pretty naive to be honest. I thought I could save everyone. Maybe, that’s a common thing for firefighters. I don’t know, but then something happened, and it made me realize I can’t save everyone, especially, if I can’t even save myself.”

“Jayse, I don’t believe that.”

---