Page 10 of Pit Stop

Axell leans back against my car, his arms crossed, and one ankle crossed over the other. He nods his head once. “Yeah, and no offense, but you’re a crappy actor.”

I chuckle and scratch at the stubble growing on my jaw. “None taken.”

Silence falls between us and the only noise you can hear are the crashing waves as they reach the shore, only to be pulled back out into the ocean. The constant struggle for the water is never-ending. It almost feels like the story of my life. Street Kings was a way out of the system. My goal was to always get out as soon as I was released from foster care, but then Annie got sick, and the James family needed me. I did what I had to but now there’s no getting out. Axell clears his throat. “What is it, Tillman? You know that no matter what we’ll figure it out together. You’re like a brother to me. Just as much as Bowie, Jagger, Ace, and Jovi.”

Emotion grows in the confines of my body. It’s overwhelming and I stagger across the street in search of air I can breathe. I pull the baseball cap off my head and run a hand through my hair. All my life all I wanted was a place to belong. I had it all along, but I couldn’t accept it. Footsteps follow behind me as I lean against the railing that divides the street from the sand. “I messed up. I lied to you, to everyone.” My head shakes with disappointment in myself. “In my heart it felt like the right thing. I just wanted to help, but I think it made a bigger mess.”

“We’ll figure it out.” I glance at him before looking back out to the ocean. A low whistle comes from Axell’s direction. “Damn it, Tillman. Is it this bad?”

“Yeah, the SK type of bad.”

Axell steps back and runs his hands through his longer hair. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Tillman? You know how bad they are. Everyone on this side of town knows to not get tied up with them. Why? Just why?”

“Because things with Charlene and Paul were worse than you knew. I slept outside most nights because sleeping there was safer than sleeping in that house. They didn’t give a shit about any of us, just that great monthly check for each of us. The system didn’t care where we really were or what we ate, or if we did at all. As long as we said we were happy they left us alone. It was a weekend and I was starving. For some unknown reason that I still don’t understand, I made my way into their part of town. In my mind, there were rarely any cops there, so it seemed like a safe place to steal something to eat. It seemed easy except it wasn’t. I got caught, but Emmet, the guy who was running the SK back then, seemed welcoming. It didn't seem so bad, and I needed a place. He let me move into this older hotel that the SK owns. A lot of us live there and we do jobs for them to help pay rent and whatnot. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, get in and get out.” My chest heaves as the words leave my body. The confession is brutal, and it burns as I take it back into my lungs.

When I raise my eyes Axell looks as if he’s staring at a stranger. “Why? You had to know it was a bad idea.”

“Yeah, well have you ever been so hungry that you can’t think straight? I mean you’re literally delirious and sweating and barely moving... I know you haven’t been. Hell, I’m glad you haven’t, but I have and that’s what led me to that store and to the SK. You don't understand,” I bellow out. The ocean beyond eating up my confession.

Axell shakes his head. “You know you could have lived with us. My parents would have fed you.”

I look down as guilt rushes through my veins, mixed with my blood. “Yeah, but I knew they didn’t have the extra funds or food. They would have fed me, taken care of me, and I loved them for that. I loved you all for making me feel like part of the family, but while I may be a lot of things, I could never be that selfish to allow that extra stress on your family.”

“My family would have figured it out. My dad figured out my mom’s treatments, didn’t he?”

Quickly, I look away, afraid he’ll see the truth in my eyes. “Yeah.” It’s the only reply I can give but it’s not good enough.

I hear the deep breath he takes. “When you said your plan was to get in and get out, you made it sound like you couldn't do that now. Come live with us. We’ll make the room.”

My head shakes. “I can’t. I can’t just get in and get out now.”

“Why?”

“It’s not that simple.” When I look up, I see it. He knows. He knows what I’m not saying but he wants me to admit it. “I owe too much money.”

“You just said you made money, Tillman, so how do you owe?” His voice is angry and carries through the quiet night.

I sigh heavily. I feel the foundation of our friendship crumbling. “Because I took out a loan.”

Axell turns around and kicks a rock so hard it flies towards the sand of the beach beyond us. “For what?”

“Axell…”

“I already know, but you need to say it in order for me to believe it.” His voice is so quiet now that you can barely hear it from the sounds coming from the ocean.

My hands rest on the railing and I hang my head, gathering my words. “I took a loan for Annie’s treatments.”

Silence falls between us. It remains quiet for a long time. Finally, Axell straightens up. “I want to say thank you, but I’m also so damn angry at you for doing that. You put yourself on their payroll for life. Tillman…”

I stand up straight and shrug my shoulders. “It was worth it to me. It didn’t save her, but it gave her a little more time. I just wanted to tell you because there is going to come a time when I’m not around and I wanted someone to know the truth.”

“What are you talking about?”

“The Street Kings were always dangerous, but Emmet tried to protect us some. The one in charge now... well, it’s not going to end well for any of us. We just lost a couple of guys the other night. My actions are going to catch up to me.”

Axell begins to pace. It’s something he’s always done while he’s thinking. I lean back against the railing and make myself comfortable. He stops and turns to me. “What if you leave? Just pack up and disappear. The Street Kings are just in Los Angeles. Leave all of this behind. I’ll help you with money.”

His suggestion has crossed my mind, but leaving behind the rest of the guys feels wrong. It doesn’t sit right with me. It’d be like abandoning Axell and his family. The guys at the Street Kings are just as much my family and I know if I leave, they’ll all be gone if I ever come back. If I stay, I’ll go down with them. I’m in a lose-lose situation. “I can’t leave the rest of them. There’s a couple of us that look out for the younger ones and I’m one of them. If I leave, they have less protection.” Axell is pleading with me without saying the words. I can read it. I muster up the smile I can and plaster it on my face. “It’s okay. I’ve accepted my fate and I don’t regret it. I just wanted you to know why I disappeared.” I glance at my watch. “I should go. I have to get back. Take care Axell.”

I walk across the street, with each step back towards my car I accept my upcoming fate more and more. Axell calls out, “Tillman.” A part of me knows I should keep walking but instead I stop and turn around. “See you around.” One nod of my head is the only reply he gets. I slip behind the wheel of my car and leave everything behind. One goodbye at a time.

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