Page 13 of Pedal to the Metal

I grab his chin and lean forward but right before I meet his lips I turn his head and kiss his cheek, “Good luck” I say sweetly, sauntering off towards the rest of the girls.

Chapter 8

Jagger

When Londynn had kissed my cheek and said good luck in that voice I had wanted to grab and pull her back to me, pinning her against the car and devouring that smart mouth of hers. Sadly, I didn’t have time for that because I had to go race her loser ex-boyfriend. Watching Ryce choke on my car fumes did give me some satisfaction but not enough. I was still having thoughts about Londynn and I really shouldn’t. After seeing the way she viewed the world, and not being that type of guy for her I really shouldn’t think about kissing her. But here I stand at JamesTown nursing a beer and thinking just that while she dances on the floor with Kynlee and Alivia.

Watching the way she moves makes me want things I know I can’t have. I turn around and ask the other bartender Aaron for a shot, after downing it I stalk off to the body shop through the short cut by the rest rooms. Anytime I feel frustrated or need to think getting under the hood of a car is always like therapy to me. I slide under one of the cars and instantly my mind seems to clear, all the jumble suddenly makes sense. I think about Londynn and what is going on between us which is basically nothing. We flirt and there is this odd chemistry, but she is not the girl I’m use to now days. Maybe, if I’d stuck around after Harlyn, maybe I’d still be that guy. You know the one that could stay faithful to one girl, that could love with all of his heart, that could still believe that loved conquered all but I’m not that guy. Besides, even if I did still believe in any of that I’d had my perfect match, my soulmate, my one true love, you didn’t get those twice.

Even if none of that was an issue I knew I could never be with anyone like that again. It wouldn’t be fair to Harlyn or her memory. Plus, I didn’t deserve it I had been the reason shewas in the car that night. It was my fault she wasn’t here now. She didn’t get a chance at happily ever after so I sure as hell didn’t deserve it. My mood was going south pretty quickly when I heard the door open and the sound of heels on the concrete floor. From my spot under the car I could see Londynn’s white wedges as she makes her way over to me.

“Shouldn’t you be celebrating instead of working?” she asks in a teasing voice.

Sliding out from under the car I see her standing there with a flush on her cheeks from the heat of the dance floor. Damn, she looks good. “What should I be celebrating? Beating your boyfriend? Because that was so easy I see no sense in celebrating that.”

She cocks an eyebrow at me, “Ex-boyfriend.” She goes quiet and I can tell she’s thinking because her brows are furrowed and she’s chewing on her bottom lip. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

I’m watching her walk towards the door when I ask, “Why don’t you dance anymore?” She turns around and gives me a questioning look. “In your room there is entire wall of medals and ribbons for you.”

She sighs heavily before walking towards me. “What did you want to be when you were a kid?”

I chuckle and wash my hands in the sink. “A NASCAR driver or a mechanic. Why?”

“When I was young my mom put me in dance, jazz and ballet. I hated ballet mostly because my teacher was so strict and when you’re four you don’t love people like that. Anyways, one Christmas when I was six my parents took us to see The Nutcracker and the way the ballerinas moved I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a ballerina and then some day when I was too old to dance anymore I wanted to open my own dance studio.”

She’s now standing in front of me, leaning against the car. “Then why did you quit? I mean you clearly have the talent to become a professional ballerina and the money to open the dance studio later on. Obviously, you have all kinds of opportunities.”

Her eyes look a little sad when she looks up to meet mine. “You see money as a way to give you a better life. As if it’ll open doors and give you opportunities and maybe it does,ifit’syourmoney.But if it’s not your money it comes with expectations. The money is my parents which means I have to play by their rules, Jagger. Being a ballerina is not an acceptable career choice. I can go to college to become a doctor or lawyer, but they’d really just like to marry me off to Ryce.”

I’m standing in the body shop that has always been my second home and I think of my life. I had parents who pushed us to become our own person and follow whatever made us happy. They loved and supported us unconditionally, even at our worst. When Axell, Bowie and I wanted to start a band years ago our parents had cleared out the garage and had been our biggest fans. My home might have been small, but it always felt warm and happy. I’d never been told that what I wanted to do wasn’t acceptable. Thinking of how Londynn had been raised made a piece of my cold heart chip away. She had mentioned all she’d had was Farrah and Vivienne and now I’m starting to see Londynn in a different light. No wonder Londynn felt so alone and sad sometimes. Who could tell their child that what they dream of becoming isn’t acceptable?

I shake my head I disgust of how much Londynn has probably been hurt and before I know it I’m standing right in front of her. Her dark hazel eyes look up and meet mine and before I decide against it I slip my hands into her hair and pull her mouth towards mine. The taste of coconut instantly hits my mouth. It must be that lip gloss she’s always putting on. I feelher hands run up my back and her nails dig into my shoulders. I push her against the car as I deepen the kiss. My heart is about to beat out of my chest and my brain is running a thousand miles a minute. She fits perfectly against my body, like she was made to be in my arms. A small moan escapes Londynn’s mouth and it’s my undoing. I breakaway to look into her eyes and as I’m looking into them I see her defenses go back up.

She pulls away and heads for the door apologizing the whole way. Once she’s out of my view I take a deep breath, but I can still taste her lip gloss, feel her lips against mine and her nails on my shoulders. No other girl had felt that perfect to me since…Harlyn.

****

Londynn

While being wrapped up in Jagger’s arms and how those arms made me feel safe made me forget about all the reasons why this was a bad idea. Why had I followed Jagger in here? Because for whatever reason I couldn’t seem to stay away from him. I couldn’t deny whatever this was going on between us. I took a deep breath trying to slow my slamming heart, but it had the opposite effect. His cologne was now mixed with the smell of oil and leather and it was intoxicating. Who would have thought that mixture of things would smell so good? Jagger pressed me further into the car which only made our bodies get closer, man could Jagger James kiss, I didn’t want to think about how he got so good at this but seriously I could feel this kiss from every strand of hair down to my toes.

When Jagger took a step back I had a minute to gather my wits and in that brief period of time my brain reminded me of all the reasons why this was a bad idea. However, I discovered a new reason now. Jagger made me feel safe, but it was my place to create my own safety, my own life, my own freedomnow. I couldn’t let myself rely on Jagger for anything. I couldn’t let myself rely on anyone for anything. I had to do it myself, Dr. Thorton had made it perfectly clear that one of my main problems was that I pushed people away, but it wasn’t for the reasons he believed. It was because I just wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t perfect enough and I didn’t want anyone to know that.

Rushing away from Jagger and the body shop and the car and the kiss that left me light headed and weak in the knees seemed like my only option. Once I got back to JamesTown I search for Farrah, but I don’t see her anywhere. I spot Kynlee, but she’s now occupied with Ace. Someone places a hand on my shoulder and I jump, as I spin around I see Sadie looking at me with concern. “Are you okay?” she asks.

I nod then tell her, “I’m trying to find Farrah. I just want to go home.”

“Farrah disappeared with Connor shortly after you followed Jagger, but I can give you a ride?” Sadie offers. After a few moments of contemplating I decide to take her offer. We ride in silence besides the radio. Sadie always seems to know what I need and right now I need time to figure out what the hell happened with me and Jagger. I’d only kissed two guys in my life Ryce for the obvious reason of him being my boyfriend and Ace one night when he tried to help me make Ryce jealous. None of my other kisses had felt like the one I’d just experienced with Jagger. None of them had left me weak in the knees and light headed and wanting more. Whatever had happened with Jagger was totally different.

As we pull into my driveway Sadie puts the car in park, “Are you sure you’re okay? Did Jagger do something?” She asks.

“No, he didn’t do anything. I’m just…I’m fine really," I say instead of telling Sadie how confused and lost I am. I don’t want to tell her that I’m starting to feel like I did before I started treatment. I just want to feel normal and happy again and it’sscary to think that the only times I’ve felt that way since coming back has been when I was with Jagger. “I’ll see you Monday," I tell Sadie before I climb out of the car. The house is empty as always, I climb the stairs slowly as I make my way up to my room. Tossing my shoes in the corner I lie back on the bed and sigh. If I had known how tonight would have went, would I have gone?

The answer is yes because even though I know Jagger James is not the type of guy I should want but he’s the only one that makes me feel alive right now. He touches a part of my soul that no one has before. When he looks into my eyes I feel like he can see past the perfect image I’ve mastered for everyone else. I feel like he sees the real me, the real Londynn and what’s more is he accepts that version of me. The girl who is desperate to be free and live her life without all the expectations from her parents. The girl who dreamed about being a ballerina. The girl who thought anything was possible. The girl who even though she’s scared as hell still believes in love.

I bite my lip and it makes me think of the kiss. That kiss had left me totally breathless. I was so certain that Jagger would be like Ace or Bowie, just some bad boy with a hot car but instead he’s genuine. He listens when I talk and asks questions that no one has ever asked me before. No one had ever asked why I had quit dance, but he did. It’s like he knows a part of me is missing without it. I can still smell his scent on my dress from where he was molded into me. I had never felt so protected in my life. I had never had anything feel more right.

I shake my head as if it will shake the thoughts away because there is no way that kissing or being with Jagger is right. We come from two different worlds and he’ll get bored with me quickly. I’ll end up with my heart broken just like it was with Ryce. If I couldn’t keep Ryce happy then how could I possiblythink I’d keep Jagger happy? It was clear he had way more experience than me.

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