Page 21 of Pedal to the Metal

The sun is starting to set while I drive through familiar neighborhoods while wracking my brain for some idea of where Londynn could be. Suddenly a thought occurs to me, maybe she wanted to be reminded that she’s not alone. I take the next rightturn that will lead me up to lookout point. As I go up the winding road, I see the red of her car come into view, her honey colored hair is dancing in the breeze and I let out a sigh of relief.

Chapter 13

Jagger

I didn’t realize how worried I had been about Londynn until I saw that little red car and that head full of honey colored hair. It was ridiculous that I could be so worried about a girl I barely knew but there was something about her that made me feel the need to protect her. I didn’t know what her big secret was even though I did know it had to do with Spirit Rehab, but I didn’t know what for. Although, after today I had every intent of finding out. I knew whatever it was made her defensive for whatever reason. I wanted her to know that she didn’t need those defenses with me.

There was also something else in her eyes I had noticed after the night we kissed but I was not able to name the look, trust. She didn’t trust either but if her family dinner had been even a glimpse of what her life had been like with her parents, it made total sense that she wouldn’t trust. Not to mention that Ryce had always slept around even when I would call to check in Ace or Bowie would tell me about Ryce’s antics. Even though I couldn’t fathom why anyone would need another girl when they had Londynn. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I cared about her, more than I ever thought would be possible after losing Harlyn.

I park next to Londynn’s car and get out as I approach, she glances my way. “How did you know I was here?” she asks in a whisper.

I take in her appearance and even though her eyes are puffy and red I’ve never seen her look more beautiful. Her hair is down and flowing, mixed with her distressed jeans, t-shirt and Chuck Taylor’s, she’s like my idea of a dream girl. “I figured you might want to be reminded you’re not alone.”

She turns to face me while I stuff my hands in the pockets of my jeans. “You remembered that?”

“Yeah, of course I do.” The shock in her voice makes me wonder how many little things people have actually remembered. My guess is not a lot.

She lets out a big sigh and I realize the music I hear is coming from an iPod lying beside her. “Who’s singing?” I ask her, trying to get her out of her own head.

“Erick Baker," she says and after a minute I realize she isn’t going to say anything else, so I extend my hand out to her. She looks up at my eyes like I’m crazy.

“Come show me how to dance again?” I give her the smile that most girls can’t resist but she seems to be trying. Finally, she slides off the hood of her car and puts her hands in mine. I pull her up against me while we start to move to the music. I feel the muscles in her shoulders and back loosen up. A few songs later I pull her away from me just enough to see her eyes. “Londynn…” I’m not sure how to approach this subject.

A look comes over her features and I’m not sure what it means but she pulls away and walks towards the edge of the hillside and stares ahead at the setting sun. “How much do you know?”

I get a feeling that she’s referring to this big secret, so I tell her, “Not much.”

She glances at me from the corner of her eye, “Sadie didn’t tell you?”

I chuckle while shaking my head, “No, she said it wasn’t her story to tell.”

I see her take a deep breath and I can see the wheels in her eyes turning but I don’t know if she’ll tell me anything. I stand there quietly staring at her while she stares at the sun that is now quickly disappearing. “Londynn, you can trust me. I want you to. I want you to open up to me. I know there’s something hauntingyou, I know because I’ve been there myself. I see that same look in your eyes that I have. I want to help.” I reach out for her hand, pulling her into me. I slip a finger under her chin and will her to look up into my eyes, “Open up to me…please.”

****

Londynn

I was standing there staring into Jagger’s eyes trying my best to decide what to do. Could I tell him the truth? I knew I had felt better when I had told my parents friends, but could I tell Jagger? Could I handle his reaction? A part of me wanted to run to my car and climb in and speed away and never return but the other part me, a bigger part of me wanted to open up to him. There was something about Jagger that I couldn’t resist even though I knew it was a bad idea and would leave me brokenhearted I just couldn’t stay away from him.

I took a deep breath and thought what the hell?, “Jagger, it’s a long story but if you really want to know I’ll tell you.”

I see the shock register on his face, clearly, he thought this was going to be a bigger fight. He walks over and takes a seat on the hood of my car. “I’ve got all night pretty girl," he says with a wink.

A part of me wants to roll my eyes at him because I know he’s flirting but the other part of me is grateful he is trying to lighten the mood. Before starting I say a silent pray for him to understand after hearing all this. “My entire life I have been taught to keep this certain image up. After Farrah left home and made it clear that she wasn’t going to live up to the expectations of my parents it got worse. I was expected to always have on the right outfit, say the right things, go to the right events and keep the right friends. I was expected to seem like I loved and adored Ryce and a part of me did…at first. I always knew they expected a lot from me, and I was fine with it until I got olderand started to want things of my own. I wanted to be friends with Creed but he’s not from our side of town. He’s a scholarship kid and my parents saw that as below me and their family name. I went against them anyways and became his friend. Although they weren’t crazy over Alivia either, so they were kind of use to me going against them where my friends were concerned. After being friends with Alivia and Creed for a while I started to see why my parents only wanted me to be friends with people who had their stamp of approval. Those kids were controlled much like I was by their parents and the money being around people like Alivia and Creed made me jealous. They had a say in their lives, and I so desperately wanted that.”

“Farrah started reaching out to me again a few months after she left and as soon as I got my license and a car, I went to see her. However, seeing her didn’t prepare me for how envious I would be of her. Being around her, I saw how happy and full of life she was. How free, I wanted that freedom so bad. It was at that point that my parents started to make it clear that dance was just a hobby and not something to consider as a profession. That’s when I started to get really upset and resentful. Vivienne though would always try to make my days better. She was the only one in that house that asked how my day was and she and Farrah made it a point to be at every single dance performance I had. Hell, Vivienne even showed up at most of my practices. She encouraged me to be my own person. She pushed me to leave Ryce and the expectations, but I was always afraid of the backlash. I had seen how my parents had treated Farrah after she left, and I was scared of that.”

I take a deep breath before continuing, “Vivienne had never been a fan of Ryce and the fact that we had started to think he was cheating only made her dislike for him grow. I began to pull away from him and the world I had been raised in. I started to spend more time with Farrah and her friends and at Vivienne’safter she left work at my parents. On the weekends I’d go to the races with Farrah and sleep on her couch. Then Vivienne was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. I knew she wouldn’t make it, but she fought hard. I started to try and get back into my old life because I was afraid of being left alone. Which is actually funny considering that most of the time my parents are absent anyways. At the end of May Vivienne lost her fight which sent me running from the hospital with Farrah standing in the hallway begging me to stay. I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t handle any of it, so I ran and went to the one person I hoped would be there for me. When I got to Alivia’s house her parents told me she was out, so I went to the next person I thought of at that moment. I remember pulling up to his house and there was a party going on. I remember searching for him until I found him in his bedroom with a topless girl straddling his lap. All my suspicions had just been confirmed and I felt like the last little bit of air in my lungs left my body.”

I let out a harsh laugh. “The worst part was the girl was Alivia. She was supposed to be one of my best friends but there she was hooking up with my boyfriend when I needed someone. To this day neither of them knows that I was there, I had just turned around and quietly left. I drove home in a haze, my phone kept ringing, but I kept ignoring it. When I got home, I went straight to my dad’s liquor cabinet and grabbed the first full bottle I found. Then I went upstairs and stood in my bathroom. When I was looking at my reflection it was like I didn’t even know who I was. I was just some stranger standing there. There was so much pain in my heart, and I just wanted to be numb, so I pulled an old prescription I had from when I had surgery on my ankle. I climbed into a scolding hot tub of water and took a couple pain killers then drank some of the bottle.”

Looking at Jagger I see his jaw is super tense and his eyes are searching mine. “I don’t remember much else other than wakingup in the hospital with Farrah sitting in the chair beside my bed crying. Apparently, I had passed out from the mixture of pills and alcohol and slipped beneath the water. Luckily when she found me, I hadn’t been under long and they were able to save me but if she hadn’t come looking for me I’d be dead right now. My parents never came to visit me or even called to check on me. Farrah asked me to see a therapist, but I felt I needed more. So, I decided to check into Spirit, that’s where I met Sadie. If it hadn’t been for her, Farrah and Creed I don’t know if I would have survived those three months. I still see a therapist twice a week just to make sure I’m okay. Dr. Thorton diagnosed me with anxiety and depression which he thinks started from all the pressure my parents put on me to be perfect,” I sigh as I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Jagger is quiet, but he clears his throat, “And now you’re trying to figure out what you want?”

“Basically," I say with a shrug. , “So, there that’s my big dirty secret.”

As I stare at Jagger, I see some unknown emotion in his eyes. I’m not sure what it is but whatever it is I think it’ll be what ends this thing between us. A part of me wants to cry over that but then again, I knew I was taking a chance telling him about all of this. At least he’s not looking at me like I’m crazy but he’s not looking at me like he wants me anymore either. He rises slowly and walks towards me. I notice his hands never leave his pockets.

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