Page 32 of Pedal to the Metal

“What look?”

She laughs, “Oh Jagger, don’t forget how well I know you.”

We sit in silence for a while, just watching the sun dip lower into the sky until it disappears completely. Something about it disappearing reminds me of Harlyn and before I know it, I turn to Sadie. “Is it wrong?”

She looks at me confused, “Is what wrong?”

I run a hand through my hair then down my face while releasing a heavy sigh. I haven’t openly talked about this…withanyone…ever. “To feel this way. I mean why should I get to feel this way when Harlyn is…dead?”

Sadie reaches for my hand, “Oh Jagger. It’s fine to feel this way. You’re allowed to move on. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to live. Besides, that was five years ago, and a lot can happen five years ago.” I give her a questioning look. “You two were so young when you met, and you guys were thrown a curve ball when the two of you got pregnant. I mean it was a blessing, but it wasn’t expected. Who knows where you two would be today if the accident hadn’t happened.”

I think about it for a minute, but it sounds like Sadie is saying that what Harlyn and I had wasn’t real and a part of me feels really angry about that. “Are you saying we were too young for it to be real?”

“Oh goodness! No! I’m just saying that a lot can change in a year let alone five years. Hell, Axell and I aren’t even the same couple we were five years ago. We have gone throughso much, stuff that none of you know about. As individuals we are constantly growing, constantly changing. But sometimes while we grow as individuals we don’t grow as a couple. As a couple we grow apart, I’m not saying that would have happened, I’m just saying it’s possible. You act as if you aren’t allowed to have a life Jagger and it’s just not true. It’s not bad, it’s not hurting her memory to live your life. I’m pretty sure that she would have wanted it.”

“You know for the past five years the memories have been so clear, so vivid that it feels just like yesterday. At least until I met Londynn, when I’m with her I feel a sort of freedom that I haven’t felt in so long. I mean I can’t forget Harlyn or Harper but it’s like I can take a deep breath," I tell Sadie and realize I probably sound like a crazy person.

She gives me a smile. “You have loved and lost so much. Much more than most people your age. It has made you wisebeyond your years. I think losing your mom hit you and Ace the hardest. I mean Axell and Bowie were both older and kind of have had their time with her. I’m sure no amount of time was enough, but they had more time with her than the two of you. And Jovi well he was still a baby in so many ways. You and Ace though, you were both still at that age where you could use her wisdom. Then you found Harlyn and it’s like it eased your pain, but I think the loss of both have created this heaviness in your heart and soul that is unnecessary. I hope someday you can let go," she sighs, “Now if I could only get Ace to listen to me.”

As her words sink in, I can’t help but think that maybe she is right. I mean Ace and I were still really close to our mom when she passed away. I met Harlyn shortly after that and maybe I used her and our relationship as a distraction from the real pain I was feeling. Then when I lost Harlyn I had run because I was so full of grief that it felt like the only way to breathe. It was like that part of me was healing when I was with Londynn.

Sadie was right about Ace though; he had always been the closest to our mom. I remember when she first started chemo and she got too weak to get out of bed. Ace would run from the bus stop to our house, pour a glass of lemonade because it was her favorite then grab one of her favorite books and climb into bed and read to her. He’d be in there reading to her for hours. Dad would finally get home from work and make Ace leave the room and go do his homework. He did this same thing every day until one day we had come home from school and when he ran into the bedroom, the bed was empty. Mom had passed away, but dad hadn’t had time to notify us before we got home from school. Instead of our mom we had found dad sitting on the bed crying like a baby. Ace had never been the same after that day and it made me wonder if that was why he kept Kynlee at an arm’s length.

I heard the car doors shut and Sadie excused herself right before Jovi came barreling through the back door to show me his new haircut, outfit and the rest of Operation Monrowe. When he went inside Londynn stepped outside onto the small porch. “Hey there pretty girl.”

She smiles at me, and my heart rate picks up. “Hey there handsome.”

I reach for her hand, “Oh I like the sound of that.” I pull her into my lap and kiss her lips lightly, careful not to hurt the portion that’s still healing. “How did Jovi afford all that stuff for Operation Monrowe?”

“You mean the butterscotch candy?” she asks.

“No, I mean all of it. The clothes, the hair and that little set up to impress her.”

She shrugs, “I paid for it. It’s not a big deal.”

“But it is. I don’t want you here for your money and I don’t want you to feel like that. I want you here because I don’t want you anywhere else," I tell her while staring into those hazel eyes, the ones I could get lost in forever.

“Jagger Ray James you are so much more than I ever could have hoped for," she says, placing a kiss on my forehead. “I wouldn’t want to be any other place either, but Farrah called while we were shopping, she’ll be back tomorrow.”

I tighten my arms around her, “So you’re leaving me?”

“Well, we are going to get a two-bedroom place together but I’m not actually leaving you," she says laughing.

“Fair enough. So, what exactly is Operation Monrowe?”

“Well, you know Jovi has a major crush on her, so I asked him if he knew something she liked, and he said she loved butterscotch candy. So, we bought those and were going to place a candy with a note in her locker. The note will have one thing he likes about her. Then when he’s ready he can tell her he’s thesecret admirer and she’ll be super impressed.” She says with a dreamy look in her eyes.

I chuckle, “You sure about that?”

“Yes! I would have loved something like that when I was their age.”

I notice her shiver as the breeze picks up. “Come on let’s go inside.” I take her hand and lead her inside.

****

Londynn

It’s late but I can feel the restlessness coming off Jagger in waves. I’ve been trying to sleep but it’s hard when I know he can’t. I feel like maybe it’s something I’ve done so I give up and roll over to face him. “Jagger?” It’s dark in the room but there is a little moonlight breaking through the blinds. I feel Jagger switch from his back to his side. “What’s wrong?”

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