Page 55 of Pedal to the Metal

It’s been three months since I moved to New York. I wish I could say it had been everything I had ever dreamed of but to be perfectly honest it wasn’t. Or maybe I just wasn’t the same girl who dreamed this dream. Either way I was miserable. Halloween had just passed, and Thanksgiving was right around the corner. As silly as it sounds I missed L.A. and my friends, I missed Dr. Thorton and Sadie, I missed dressing up with Farrah on Halloween, and I even missed my family. But let’s face it the thing I missed most was…Jagger.

Foolishly I thought that if I left L.A. that I’d magically forget about Jagger and the mess things had become. I knew that Ace had recovered because the only person I had allowed myself to text was Kynlee and even that was briefly. I hadn’t answered calls or texts for anyone else, not even Farrah. Kynlee was my safest bet because she didn’t know me well enough to know just how lonely I was plus, she was able to keep me up to date on what was happening around town. I pathetically wished for Jagger’s name to come across my screen every time it went off, but it never appeared, and I knew it wouldn’t. I knew the day I walked away from him that was it for us.

As I make my way out of the ABA rehearsal studios I let myself replay just how badly I had done today. My head wasn’t in the game at all. My points were off, I missed steps, got off beat and shortened my spins. If I didn’t get it together I’d end up losing my spot. My phone started ringing just as I was exiting the building, looking down I saw Duke’s name on the screen. I silenced my phone and dropped it back in my bag.

“You do know it’s rude to ignore calls if you’re not busy, especially if they’re from your favorite brother," I hear Duke say.

I whip my head up so quickly that I’m pretty sure I gave myself whiplash. “Well, you’re my only brother.”

“Maybe…you do know how parents are," he responds and I just shrug. “Well, it’s good to see you too Londynn.”

I sigh heavily, “What do you want Duke?”

His brows knit together, “Why do you think I want something?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because we’ve never been close," I tell him.

He nods his head. “That’s true but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious how you are," he says while wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “Mom, dad and Farrah are all kind of freaking out that they haven’t heard from you since you left. You know that neat little invention that you dropped in your bag does keep people from worrying.”

I study the ground as we walk down the sidewalk, “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just been so busy.”

“Not that busy. You’re just avoiding, which I get but you can’t do that forever.” We continue to walk in silence when suddenly Duke says, “Let’s go get some lunch.” We sit through a pretty awkward and mostly silent lunch. After we finish our food my brother clears his throat and I finally look up at him. “Londynn, I get that this is your life now and that you love it, you’re living your dream, but you know mom still wants to know you’re okay and Farrah deserves to know you’re okay.”

I shake my head because he really can’t see it. Maybe, I should have gone into acting. “I can’t talk to them. I can’t talk to anyone from there.”

“Why?” Duke asks.

I roll my eyes and decide to stare at the ceiling. Whenever I felt like crying when I was younger if I stared at the ceiling then sometimes it would stop the tears. “Because it’s a reminder of all that’s gone. I gave up that part of my life. I came here to live adream of a girl that no longer exists. You think I’mhappy,I’m miserable. I don’t like New York, I’m so far behind in dancing that my feet are raw and bleeding from all the hours I put in. I have no friends or family here. It’s just me, myself and I. Oh! And all those great thoughts and memories I have to keep me company.”

Duke surprises me then by doing something so out of the ordinary for him, he reaches across the table and takes my hand. “Londynn, if you’re miserable then go home. Go back to L.A. and back to Jagger.” I glare at him. “Don’t try and act like he isn’t a huge part of this.”

“He gave up on us," I tell Duke as I grab my purse and head out the door of the restaurant. I haven’t gotten too far when I hear Duke catch up.

“Londynn, you both gave up on each other. He felt he was to blame for his brother’s attack and you can’t be upset with him for that. But you didn’t fight very hard either. Did you call or text or visit after he told you to leave?” I give him a puzzled look because I don’t know how he knows all this, “Don’t look so shocked, Farrah told me. Now, answer the question.”

I take a deep breath and mumble, “No, I didn’t.”

“Then it seems to me that you both gave up on each other, only you ran as well.”

I throw my hands up in defeat. “So maybe I did! I thought that this dream could replace the dream I had created with Jagger, that future I had hoped we’d have, so yes, I ran! But I’m sure Jagger is just fine without me and it’s not like he came fighting for me.”

I’m walking as fast as I can down the sidewalk with Duke on my heels when I hear him say, “Jagger James is a mess.” I spin around to face him because I know this has to be some kind of trick. I can’t imagine Jagger being a mess over me, especially since he was the one that told me to leave. “Jagger is a completemess without you. Not only is he dealing with the guilt of what happened to Ace but now he’s dealing with the guilt and grief of you.”

I cross my arms over my chest because my heart is pounding in my chest. “And how do you know that Duke?”

“I was in L.A. last month and I went to pedal to the metal and I saw him. He lost that night. Jagger James lost the race.”

I stand there stunned to my core because Jagger never loses. “But Jagger never loses.”

Duke shrugs while stuffing his hands in his pockets. “Not since he was like seventeen. I have a meeting I need to get to but my advice to you…. go home Londynn and be happy.” Duke leans forward and kisses the top of my head before turning around and hailing a cab.

I stand on the sidewalk for a long time just thinking about Duke’s words. Jagger had lost his race and was a mess. Did he regret sending me away? But if he did then why didn’t he just call me now? The alarm on my phone goes off reminding me I need to get back to the studio but as I enter through the doors I feel like even less of my heart is with me now.

Chapter 31

Londynn

Christmas time in New York seems almost magical. It’s without a doubt one of the most beautiful places during this time of year. Christmas had always been one of my favorite holidays but this year it just felt empty. Ever since Duke left I’d been even more confused than before. Every rehearsal went horribly, it’s like I couldn’t get out of my head, and today had been no different.

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