Page 9 of Pedal to the Metal

Slipping on a pair of khaki shorts, white tank top and navy-blue cardigan to keep the crisp, approaching autumn breeze at bay and a pair of brown sandals. I slip a white headband in my hair and head out to my car. I turn up my radio and start to drive. I have no destination in mind, I’m just trying to escape from that feeling. Before I know it I’m in North Hills and turning into the cemetery. I guess I needed to see Vivienne.

I park and walk around until I finally find her headstone. Seeing it makes it official. I didn’t get to attend her funeral since I was already gone by that time so seeing this makes it sink in. After a while of staring blankly at the headstone I sit down on the ground. Oh, what my mother would say now if she saw me sitting on the grass in my khaki shorts.

Clearing my throat, I start talking to Vivienne like she’s really here, “You know I’m kind of mad at you for leaving me like this. You and Farrah have always been all I’ve had family wise. You knew that. The house is so cold and sterile without you. It makes me sick just walking into it. You always got that I didn’t belong there, but they don’t. It’s just me against them without you. And Ryce, don’t even get me started on him. You were right, he’s just not who I believed he was.” A few tears slip down my cheeks, but I make no move to wipe them away. “I wish you were here. I could really use some of those homemade chocolate chip cookies and one of those Vivienne hugs. Oh, and advice! I could really use some of that Vivienne wisdom.”

When I finally get up from the ground I turn around and to my surprise I see Jagger. He’s standing in front of a headstone, with a bunch of daisies in his hands. His red t-shirt makes allthe muscles in his chest and arms seem even bigger. My mind instantly thinks back to when I was standing in his arms while we danced. I can’t help but feel like this is some kind of sign from Vivienne, but Jagger seems lost in thought, so I turn around and head back to my car.

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Jagger

I haven’t seen Harlyn’s grave since the day she was buried something about seeing the headstone with her name on it just made things surreal. Sometimes I find myself just acting as if she went out to grab something and she’ll come back but after a while it sets back in that she’s gone. I make my way to her and squat down with a bunch of daisies in my hands. “Hey angel, I’m sorry I haven’t been here in so long. I just didn’t know how, you know? You were always the smart one, not me, you were always the one who knew the right thing to do. I haven’t known the right thing to do in five years now, so I could really use some sign from you. My dad and Axell kept telling me I was running and lost. Of course, I denied it but their right. I’m so damn lost without you, without that life we planned. Sometimes I miss you so much that I literally can’t breathe so right now I need you to give me some sign, some since of direction because you’re the only one who can angel. You’re it.” I stay there for a little while longer, fighting back the tears that burn my eyes.

As I’m getting ready to leave the sun catches the shine of honey colored hair. I watch as she walks away towards her red Audi, what in the world is Londynn Parrish doing in the North Hill cemetery? I start heading in her direction and holler out her name, she turns around a little stunned. I jog over to her and as I do I take a moment to appreciate those long, lean legs of hers. In that pair of shorts, they look like they go on for days. “Fancy running into you here," I say smiling at her.

“Yeah, I guess it is. I was just…visiting?” I know she was just telling me, but it comes out like a question.

“Me too but I figured you’d have your own private cemetery.”

She shakes her head and crosses her arms over her chest. “Even if we did have that, who I’m visiting wouldn’t be there.”

“Why not?” I ask but I notice the change in her demeanor as she walks past me. I follow her, she stops in front of a headstone that reads ‘Vivienne Marie Green’. I look over at Londynn but she’s just staring ahead.

“Vivienne was a cook and housekeeper that my parents hired when I was like ten. She was really the only parent I’d ever had. She was like a grandmother that everyone loved. She made these chocolate chips cookies that just melted in your mouth and when you had a bad day she’d just pull you in for a hug. That hug could make everything in the world right again. It was warm and kind and full of love and she always smelled like brown sugar. But you never made her mad enough to say your middle name, if she did you were in big trouble. Vivienne and Farrah were all I had growing up and when Farrah left Vivienne protected me to no extent.”

A silent tear slips down her cheek and before I know it I reach out my finger to stop its trail. Her skin is warm and just as soft as I remember. She sets those big hazel eyes on mine and I can’t help but want to protect her too. At times she seems so broken then in an instant you can see that wall build back up and she’s so strong there’s no way to get it down. I get why Vivienne wanted to protect her, but I want to know what from. “Protect you from what?” I whisper.

She shakes her head and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth. “I should go” she says before stepping around me and heading back towards her car. A part of me wants to follow her but the other part of me gets the sense that she needs to be alone.I can’t help but feel like this is the start of something if our paths keep crossing like it’s meant to be.

Chapter 6

Londynn

As I park in the visitor section I take a deep breath while I stare up at the two-story white building that sits just off the water I feel myself start to calm. There is no act here, I don’t have to be perfect or keep my image. I can just be Londynn in there and that’s enough. As I’m getting out of the car Sadie comes strolling up to me with one of her patients, Lori. She’s a middle age lady who suffers from Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Poor Lori is probably only about 115 pounds, but she insists that she weighs a ton. She actually ended up here because she exercised so much she gave herself a heart attack. I give her a hug, “You look beautiful today Lori.” She blushes then waves her hand in a dismissive manner. “Hey Sadie.”

“Hey Londynn. You look very nice today. How are you feeling?” She asks. I don’t know how she does it, but she can read me so well.

I shrug as we start walking back towards the entrance, “Honestly, I don’t know. Being back in that house with my parents…” I trail off and roll my eyes because I just don’t know how to explain it all.

Sadie reaches out and touches my upper arm, “It’s okay Londynn. You don’t need to have all the answers right now. Just keep working through it all. You’ll find the answers soon enough.”

She gives me an encouraging smile and I try to return it, but it doesn’t seem genuine. I mumble a thank you. As I make my way to Dr. Thorton’s office I find myself breathing in the ocean scent mixed with the smell of the lemon cleaner they use. It’s sad that this place which was meant to be sterile and cold was actually more like home to me than my own house was. I take aseat outside the office and wait for him to finish with his current patient. I check my phone and see a text from Alivia asking if I want to grab so frozen yogurt, I quickly tell her yes and set the time for two hours from now. I should be done and free by then.

A teenage boy steps out of the office followed by Dr. Thorton. He’s an older, round man with cheeks that stay rosy all the time. His big framed glasses don’t hide his kind blue eyes. His gray hair is thin and stays slicked back on his head. Dr. Thorton smiles when he sees me, “Londynn, it’s so good to see you, please come in and have a seat” he says while motioning for me to enter the room. Once I’m seated in one of the two leather chairs, he sits behind his desk. “So, how are you feeling since you left treatment?”

He wastes no time getting to the point. That use to be one of the things I loved about Dr. Thorton, he never beat around the bush, he just dove straight in, head first. However, right now I wish he would have taken a little time and worked into his question. I’m not really sure how to answer that question and that’s the part I don’t want to admit. I don’t want to admit that I’m still confused. I don’t want to admit that I still crave my parents love and attention. I don’t want to admit that I still feel like I’m drowning sometimes. I don’t want to admit any of it, I could just paste on that smile I’ve used for years and I might even fool him but what good would that do?

An hour later and quite a bit of awkward silence later I’m in my car blaring Kings of Leon with my sun roof open heading towards the frozen yogurt shop. I’m trying to drown out my own thoughts with my favorite band but it’s not working very well. As I pull into the parking lot I know I’m early, so I call Farrah, maybe she can make me feel more connected than I do currently. However, she doesn’t answer so I decide that just waiting in my car is my best option. I’m scrolling through my phone when a knock on my window makes me scream, turning around I seeSadie. As I’m getting out of the car Sadie says, “Dr. Thorton mentioned he was worried about you and I told him I’d check on you.”

“How did you know where to find me?” I ask.

She shrugs then laughs, “I followed you. I probably could have gotten like five speeding tickets trying to catch up to you, but it was worth it.”

“You could have called me I would have told you where to meet me.”

“It’s okay besides Axell and the boys would have loved for me to get a speeding ticket. Ruin my perfect record plus it would really make me one of them," she says with a laugh. “So, want to tell me why Dr. Thorton is worried about you?”

“I’m sure he has his reasons but I’m fine," I tell her but the look she gives me lets me know she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. Hell, I don’t even believe a word I’m saying but if I start talking I’m afraid I’ll break, and I can’t do that.

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