Page 31 of The Start of Something Wonderful

CHAPTER FOUR

Little White Lies

ICONFESS.IAM A COWARD.There, I’ve said it. But how else was I supposed to avoid the embarrassment of seeing Dean again? And depending on which way you look at it, my sudden allergy to Mr Muscle could be considered a legitimate excuse for not being able to return to work. Besides which, what hope do I have of securing an acting role with a posturefast resembling the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

So, Job Centre, here I come! Then it hits me like a slap in the face with a wet flip-flop: I have made myself unemployed and am therefore not eligible for benefits; unless chipped nails, and an embarrassing liaison with a security guard young enough to be my son, qualify as extenuating circumstances. Oh, God, why do I never think things through?

I spend the next three weeks see-sawing between positivity and a nervous breakdown. I fall into bad habits: going to bed late, getting up at lunch time, and horror of horrors, am hooked onLoose Women, frequently shouting at the telly when one of them says something outrageous.

The rest of the time I’m checking my phone and e-mail, making sure I haven’t missed that life-changing messagefrom the casting director who was blown away by my performance inThree Sisters, and wants to cast me in his next project. I try unsuccessfully to resist looking at Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, which are full of ‘#busydayonset’ and ‘#feeling blessed’.

Faye tells me I’m caught in something called a ‘ludic loop’ and need to break this addictive cycle if I am to have a clear and focusedmind, so invites me over to hers for some green tea and meditation.

Whatever life throws at Faye, she always manages to radiate positivity (though not in a smug, #grateful way). She’s walking proof that yoga, chanting, and candlelight meditation really do work. (I tried this once, but fell asleep and the candle dripped wax onto Beryl’s shag pile, so decided not to risk it again.)

‘Heyyou,’ she says with a warm smile as she flings the door open. ‘Come in.’

I negotiate my way past the bike, wellies, Lego, and school satchel cluttering the hallway, to the kitchen at the back.

‘So,’ she says, handing me a mug of steaming tea and a newly baked cupcake, ‘it’s what, a month now sinceThree Sistersfinished? That’s no time.’

‘I know. I don’t understand why I’m having awobble. I wasn’t expecting scripts to fly through the letterbox, but I’m not used to all this uncertainty, not knowing where the next pay cheque is coming from, if I’ll ever work again …’

‘But that’s part and parcel of being an actor, isn’t it? I’m sure even Helen Mirren goes through dry patches.’

‘Yeah, but I doubt she has rent to pay,’ I say, wiping blue icing from my chin.

‘So,do you want to walk away and go back to hoiking a trolley up and down an aisle for the rest of your working life, or sit behind a computer from nine to five? You needn’t answer that.’

Our conversation is broken by the sound of footsteps thundering down the wooden staircase.

‘Aunty Em! Aunty Em!’ squeals Tariq, launching himself into my arms.

‘Hello, young man!’ and in that moment myanxiety and self-doubt evaporate.

‘Not until after supper,’ says Faye removing the cupcakes from his reach. ‘Now, go and get changed and leave Mummy and Aunty Em to chat.’

‘If you’re going to stay the course, Em, you need to train yourself to have positive thoughts. That way you’ll attract positive energy.’

‘I hear you, Faye. But how long should I give it? Another year, five? Or willthe business give up on me first?’

‘Where’s your fighting spirit, Em? How much do you want this?’

‘How much do I …? I’ve given upeverythingfor my dream.’

‘Yes, but you’ve got to keep on keeping on. If parts are so hard to come by, then write your own play and castyourselfin the leading role.’

‘Great idea, but …’

‘If you want this enough then you’ll find a way, that’s allI’m saying. Now, sit!’ she says, taking my mug and indicating her reflexology chair in the conservatory. ‘I want you to concentrate on your breathing,’ she soothes, pressing hard on the soles of my feet. ‘That’s it. Now imagine you are breathing in white light. Shut your eyes and concentrate on the sound of your breath. Now visualise what it is you want, and repeat after me,I am opening myselfto new possibilities.’

‘I am opening myself to new possibilities.’

‘Good. Now, whatever it is you want, startbelievingthat it will happen. Imagine yourself in that situation, and it will have a positive effect on bringing about your heart’s desire. It is possible for our thoughts to control the universe. What do you want from life, Emily? Visualise it …’

NURSE: You do realise,don’t you, that I could be dismissed from Holby for getting involved with a patient?

DISHY PATIENT: Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel it too? I love you, and if I make it through the operation, then I want you to promise me we’ll spend the rest of our lives together.

---