Page 66 of Just Desserts

"Yes, and we are grateful for that. Like I said, you have incredible potential Jonathan but we need to prioritize our clients. With CM off your desk, you can focus on your other accounts as well as any new business." Martin replied, while his tone remained calm it was filled with finality. I swallowed my anger and pride.

"Understood, the firm must come first. I'll go ahead and get my notes for Reynolds."

"Very good. We'll talk again soon Jonathan, welcome back." With that he went back to the papers on his desk, effectively dismissing me.

Dropping the files off at Reynolds office was its own version of the walk of shame. I didn't know how much more battering my ego could take, but I knew I needed to buckle down and focus on work. Make the most of the crumbs they were now going to give me. I made sure to touch base with all my remaining clients, taking them out to wine and dine them, reassuring them while reinforcing their need for me.

As for Alyssa's imposed rehab, I refused to give in to that. She had no idea how much money she poured down the drain when she dumped my shit, not to mention alcohol is one of the only things that allows me to tolerate her presence. I cut back significantly, especially after Martin's demotion. I knew I couldn't draw attention to myself and had to keep it in check.

Regardless, Alyssa had no control over what I did when shewasn't around, and I've figured out ways to manage it when we were together. I relocated the decanter I kept in my office and I started keeping flasks hidden, just for a nip here and there to get me through the day.

The prescription for the sleeping pills was easy enough to refill, I just put them in a vitamin bottle before returning to the apartment. The combination had kept me going this far. I felt like Sisyphus, every morning I woke up and tried to push that rock up a hill, only to have it fall down, flattening me further with each descent.

I don't even know what I think is at the top of the mountain, what I'm even pushing for at this point. I had no dreams or illusions about what the future held for me. I was far too concerned with getting through today to think much further ahead.

After a few weeks things calmed down at work. I managed to stay under the radar and receive glowing reviews from my remaining clients, in addition to winning the trial for the top client in my roster now that CM was off my desk. Martin started sending over new clients for me to try and bring in. I was grateful for the chance to prove myself, but couldn't help the disappointment when I reviewed them.

They were all much smaller than what I had worked up to in recent years. One of them was with a notoriously difficult client, working on her 4th divorce and hungry for a new boy toy to dangle on her arm. It felt like a test when they put her case on my desk, or perhaps a punishment. I was being given scut work.

Life had passed by me these last few weeks. I was in a fog, every action feeling heavy and difficult. I felt like I had to push on, that if I just focused on work enough I could survive Alyssa. I had to survive this horrible future that lay ahead of me.

For the sake of a child, I couldn't leave that to Alyssa. I could provide, we didn't have to stay together but I needed her help to get back on my feet. To get into a position to leave her and take the baby. I still couldn't believe it, and was waiting for Alyssa to tell me it was all a lie. Instead she returned from a doctor's appointment with a sonogram picture last week. I never wanted this, never wanted anything like this.

In the rare moments that I was sober, when I had run out of my secret supply or Alyssa was watching me too closely and I had to skip my nightcap, I felt overwhelmed with panic. During those brief lucid intervals I felt true fear, I knew Alyssa was unstable. I knew we weren't equipped to have a child together. I knew that I had ruined my life irrevocably.

Yet every morning, as soon as I was able to take that first sip, just a touch to take the edge off, I was able to bury the sting off those dark truths. By the end of the day, if I timed things right, paced my drinking and took the pills before bed, I was able to fall into a deep, empty sleep. Only to wake up to the nightmare that was my life.

Chapter 46

Alyssa

After Jonathan moved in, it took a few weeks to adjust, but I felt comfortable that we were heading back in the right direction. I was keeping a close eye on him especially after Shaw called him in for a meeting. The whole office was aware that Jonathan lost his biggest case. I was on edge, afraid we were both going to lose our jobs so I was doing everything in my power to help him behind the scenes.

It was exhausting and I had no real desire to assist this man but I had far too much invested in him at this point to drop it now. I was determined to see this through. So although we maintained distance at the office, I was working to make sure any new cases were sent to Jonathan so he could build up his client roster.

Previously, all of my free time in the office was spent secreting away to a spot with Jonathan. With that no longer part of my agenda, I had downtime on my hands. The view from my desk provided me constant access to the break room. From there, I could monitor the coming and goings of employees as well as their conversations.

Jonathan was doing the bare minimum to get by, and whether he admitted it or not he needed my help. I saw Harold Turner, the youngest partner who I spent time with at the holiday party, enter the break room with his assistant. I slowly left my desk and followed them, pretending to refill my coffee as I listened to them discuss Harold's calendar, trying to finda time to meet with a new client. Seeing an opportunity I decided to step in.

"Mr. Turner? Hi, I'm Alyssa Chambers, one of the paralegals? We met at the office party?" I mentioned, I saw recognition flash over Harold's face as he exchanged a glance with his assistant Marc.

"Yes, Hi Ms. Chambers. Is there something I can help you with?" He asked in a curt tone, his body language rigid.

The office party was still fuzzy in my brain, all of a sudden I was concerned that maybe I had offended him that night but I couldn't stop now.

"Well I couldn't help but overhear you two working only your calendar. If you're having difficulty finding time to meet with a new client I'm happy to check with some of the other attorneys to see if anyone has time to take the meeting."

I answered calmly, playing the role of eager new employee, the consummate overachiever. Once again a silent conversation seemed to occur between Harold and Marc before they came to a conclusion.

"Sure, why don't you see who has time to take it, the client would like to meet ASAP so make sure it goes to someone who has availability this week. Let me know who will handle the case and I'll have Marc pass over the relevant background."

"Great! I'll get back to you shortly." I chirped, empowered by his answer knowing it granted space for my background machinations.

I had access to everyone's calendars and made sure to ask two other lawyers who I knew were too busy to take the meeting before suggesting Jonathan. Once it was clear he had the availability and bandwidth in caseload to take it, Howardpresented him with the opportunity. I wasn't given any credit, which was fine as long as Jonathan was able to rebuild his reputation, get back on track to becoming a partner.

Living with Jonathan was an entirely new sort of adjustment. Not only had the terms of our relationship changed drastically, there was so much I had to keep hidden from him. I thought having him under my nose would keep me in control but instead I'm in constant fear of another lie coming to light. I knew he was still finding opportunities to drink but since that seemed reserved for client dinners, there wasn't much I could say or do about that.

We had a semi-regular sex life but all the excitement, that original rush and desire was gone. Now it was more perfunctory, yet it was the only true form of connection we had. I was desperate to try and get pregnant, make that lie into a truth that would tie us together for life. Despite my multiple attempts and insistence on sex, I had gotten my period this week.

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