Page 38 of Backstage

“There you are. We’ve been looking for you,” says Michael with a little smile that I don’t like at all, primarily since the other two also exchange a sly look. I’m not getting the whole story here.

“I’m having breakfast. Is that a problem?” I respond rather gruffly. I was in a great mood until two seconds ago, when I wasn’t alone with Lilly anymore. The realization sends a shiver down my spine, and I’m not sure it’s pleasant.

“With a bowl of cereal and milk?” Thomas asks, raising an amused eyebrow.

“Yes, why?” I accentuate my question with a tone that implies,if you say anything, I’ll break all your fingers.

Thomas raises his hands and shakes his head. “Nothing, just curious,” he says, amused.

They all sit around the table except for Simon, who starts making four cups of coffee. “Do you want some, Lilly?”

I watch her shake her head amused and look around as if the intrusion isn’t so bad, and I find myself jealous of my own bandmates. The reaction pisses me off so much I want to get up and make a scene.

*

“We have a problem!” Luke runs into our dressing room, wide-eyed, looking like he’s possessed. Our heads snap towards him. Simon jumps to his feet, and I sit up straight in my chair.

“Lilly’s locked in the bathroom, the latch broke, and we can’t get her out. She’s freaking out. I need someone to help me open that door. We can’t break it down,” he explains when he sees the confused expression on our faces.

I jump to my feet and follow Luke back to their dressing room. It must be an emergency; if even Luke can’t get her to calm down, she’s in a real crisis. I’ve been watching those two, they’re like two peas in a pod with their almost symbiotic relationship.

The chilling sound of screams coming from the bathroom, along with fists hitting wood, can be heard all the way down the hall. I run into their dressing room and find Taylor and Martin at the table, worried, as Luke points me to the door.

“Lilly, it’s Damian. Move away from the door, please,” I say in a tone loud enough to be heard. She mumbles something, but keeps banging her fists. “Lilly, move away from the door, please. I have to break it down, and if I hit you, I’m gonna hurt you,” I say calmly, and this time at least she stops banging.

“Get me out of here!” she cries.

“To do that, I need you to move away from the door, understand? I’m gonna get you out of here.”

I see the shadow from the crack under the door move and, with three well-placed forceful shoulder slams against the door, the latch breaks, and the door opens. I find her curled up in the corner, sobbing and shaking, her eyes red and swollen with tears. She’s terrified. I move in and kneel down in front of her, but she’s scared out of her mind.

“Lilly, it’s me, Damian.” I reach out my hand then draw it back when she waves me away in shock. “Lilly, listen to me: the door is open, see?”

I don’t get a reaction.

“Lilly, look at the door, please,” I whisper softly to her, pointing at the room on the other side. I try several times to get her attention until she finally looks up, and even then, I’m not sure she’s registered the fact that she can leave this room. I reach out and hold her hand, and this time she is not scared. I get closer, and with a slow gesture, I draw her to me, holding her to my chest when I feel her give way.

My heart accelerates like a madman, running furiously inside my ribcage. It’s the first time someone has depended on me like this and, on one hand, I like it, but on the other, it’s damn scary. I embrace her tightly, caressing her cheek, kissing her hair, then I put my arms under her knees and pick her up, and we leave the bathroom. All heads turn in our direction, but I don’t care. I sit on the sofa leaning against the wall just outside the bathroom and hold her close.

“You don’t have to be afraid. I’m here,” I whisper softly as if no one else is in the room with us.

She looks at me with those big green, frightened eyes of hers, and I see the exact moment she realizes she can trust me, that I pulled her out, and I won’t let go of her for a moment. She nods and snuggles on my shoulder, breathing deeply into the hollow of my neck.

When I finally look up at the others, Martin and Taylor laugh, relieved, and Luke seems to breathe again. Thomas, Mike, and Simon, who apparently followed us and saw the whole thing, are smiling slyly in a way I can’t decipher. I motion for them to get out and get ready. I’ll stay with her until she’s calmed down and go with her on stage.

Luckily, they catch on and leave us all alone. I sink my nose into her hair and inhale that apricot scent deeply, which is stronger than usual today. I smile. I’ve never been so interested in a girl that I recognize the smell of her hair. Lilly lowers my defenses; she melts those walls I’ve stubbornly built around me over the years. I’ve never shared so much intimacy with a woman before, only letting myself relax and be real with Loretta, but I sure wouldn’t know what kind of shampoo she uses.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak out. I’m claustrophobic and not being able to open the door gave me a panic attack,” she whispers in a hoarse voice.

I kiss her on the head without answering. What the hell happened to her to be so afraid of the world? She’s in crisis because of people’s judgment. She’s almost maniacally careful not to exceed the daily calorie limit she’s imposed on herself. She never leaves the stretch marks reminiscent of her childhood obesity exposed to the public. Now she has panic attacks caused by claustrophobia. It can’t all be because of what Brad has been saying about her for years, or at least it can’t be the only reason.

We stay like this for a long time until Thomas comes to call us.

“Can you stand up? Do you want us to go?” I whisper to her.

Lilly looks up and gives a half-smile. She’s still white as a sheet, but at least she doesn’t look like she’s about to pass out any minute. I get her off my knees, and immediately I miss her warmth. I grab her by the hand and accompany her to the edge of the stage.

“I’m gonna stay right here, okay? If you’re sick or you feel you can’t handle this, look in my direction. I won’t let go of you,” I say to her, standing just behind the black curtain, close to the stage, in a spot that she can see with her eyes. Facing an audience of twenty thousand people for the first time in these conditions will not be easy.

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