Page 56 of Backstage

Luke nods and watches me closely. I shrug my shoulders and inhale deeply.

“Honestly, it helped to get rid of this weight. I said it on impulse, but along with the anger, I’ve been carrying a lot of fear since that day. Dr. Sue would be proud of me,” I smile, trying to make him understand that it was an admirable thing.

“What about seeing Brad again?”

I was expecting that question. When he heard Brad was in the audience, he wanted to go smash his face in. It took Martin and Taylor together to hold him down.

“The truth? When I started hearing people screaming enthusiastically as I sang, I realized how much power I had given to Brad’s words. I always saw him as someone not to be angry with, or else he’d make my life impossible. But up there on that stage, Brad was just one person among a hundred thousand other people cheering me on. There, I finally realized he’s just a voice in the middle of the crowd and it’s easy to tune it out. I was the one who had the power. He couldn’t do anything from his front-row seat. Thanks for dedicating the song to him. Ever since it went viral, I’ve been getting messages of encouragement. This never would have happened if you hadn’t called him out so directly.”

Luke smiles at me and kisses my head, tightening his arms around me. “I’m glad. You have no idea how happy I am that that asshole is finally out of our lives,” he whispers without moving from the hug.

“So am I.” A peaceful smile curls my lips.

*

We leave the stage sweaty and excited like every night. By now, the clumsy and awkward girl I was at the beginning has vanished. Or rather, she’s still there, but I’ve learned to turn my embarrassment into positive energy, into concentration, determined to use the tension that invades me for something useful. I must say, I’m succeeding well. After I got rid of the nightmare that is Brad and his judgment, I even started dressing without the huge sweatshirts. Not that I’m a hottie, but at least the media aren’t slaughtering me for it anymore. Usually, my bandmates congratulate me for doing well, which is why tonight I feel a bit bad when they get off the stage without looking at me and hide in the backstage room in silence.

I go in after them and watch them for a few seconds before I get my bag. “I’m gonna go change in the bathroom, do you mind? Does anyone else want to go first?” Lousy way to break the ice in a tense situation that I can’t get a handle on.

They all shrug their shoulders and give me a little less than an annoyed look, so I hole up in the bathroom, staying there longer than I have to, trying to get over feeling guilty and not having the slightest idea why I feel this way. When I finally find the courage to come out, I’m staring into an empty room.

“Where the hell have they gone?” I whisper to myself. Usually, we wait till the Jailbirds have finished their show and then we go out for a bite to eat. I send a message in the group chat:Where the hell are you guys? I don’t know where to reach you.Seen and unanswered. I swear whoever invented this blue double checkmark thing should burn for eternity in the fires of hell. I just sit here, like an idiot, waiting as usual for the Jailbirds to finish.

“Are you alone?” Thomas asks, the first one coming in after the show. He looks surprised, since we’re usually never separated; it’s always the four of us like we were at school.

“The others went out while I was changing, and now they’re ignoring me,” I admit with a grimace of disappointment.

The rest of the band has come in, and they watch me frowning. Simon also seems a bit worried. Damian picks up the phone and writes something.

“They’re already on the bus, they’ve got a pizza, and they’re eating it there,” he lets me know in a tone that seems almost irritated.

“Thank you,” I say, lowering my head and grabbing my things before I left.

Damian tries to stop me by grabbing me by the wrist, but I’m too ashamed to stay. How did he manage to get an answer to his first text, and my forty were ignored for the last hour? It’s humiliating, and I don’t even understand what I did wrong.

I open the door of the bus, and the voices I heard talking outside immediately drop. I find them there, eating pizza, and when I stop with my arms crossed and my eyes raging, no one says a word. You can cut the tension in here with a knife. “Why the hell are you guys mad at me?”

Nobody answers, they just keep eating their pizza. I hope they choke on it, at least a little bit.

“Did I do something to you? Cause I don’t really remember doing anything to make you act like this.” I’m furious.

They finally drop the damn pizza, turning to look at me with expressions that are halfway between bored and angry that I’d like to slap away.

“Are you sure? Because I can think of one thing that really pisses me off,” Martin says in a very irritating tone.

“Yes, I’m sure.” I’m not moving from my position.

“Seriously? Or are you getting ready to launch your solo career or maybe partner up with Damian? Otherwise, why would you keep going to rehearse with him?” says Taylor, while Luke looks down desperately towards his pizza.

The question hits me like an icy cold shower. Is that really their concern? I almost laugh at the idea, and I can’t hold back an amused smile that irritates them even more. “I’m not planning any solo career, trust me. You are my band, and you always will be,” I say with my heart in my hands.

“We don’t believe you, Lilly. You keep lying to us and sneaking into Damian’s tour bus. It’s not just a fling here and there. You’re there every night. If you’re not composing music with him, what the hell are you doing? You think we’re stupid enough not to notice? Really, Lilly?” Luke’s voice is filled with resentment and disappointment, and it makes me sick.

They’re my friends, Luke’s my best friend, I can’t stand them feeling betrayed by me, my behavior, and my lies.

“We fuck!” I blurt out in the middle of their silence, my face burning with shame. I watch them look at me like I’m insane.

“Damian and I are having sex,” I explain when clearly they seem too dazed by my statement to put the pieces together.

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