Page 66 of Backstage

The silence that follows her rant seems eternal. Only now do I remember that there are nine of us in this room, even though she’s the only one I see.

“Okay, let’s calm down. We need to make a statement,” Evan tries to mediate, giving me the stink eye and a sweeter gaze to Lilly.

Lilly bursts into sarcastic laughter as she throws her head back and crosses her arms. “A statement? What are you gonna say this time? ‘No comment,’ again?” she asks Evan, but I know it’s directed at me.

She snatches the phone out of her pocket, grabs a dazed Martin, and pulls him towards her. “I’ll give you a statement,” she snaps angrily and, before we know what’s going on, the notification that she’s going live on Instagram snaps us back to reality. “Hi, guys!” She’s smiling from ear to ear and looking calm, as if five seconds ago she wasn’t screaming her lungs out like a lunatic.

“I know it’s early, and not a normal Red Velvet Curtains Instagram live, but Martin and I were woken up this morning because apparently, your imagination has been running wild tonight. Right, Martin?” Martin says hello with a forced smile and a hand wave like he’s the Queen of England, while Lilly laughs. “So, let’s get one thing straight: Martin and I? No! Never! Not for any reason in the world! We’ve known each other since high school, so it would be like dating my brother.”

Her words make me exhale with a relief I didn’t know I was holding. Martin sticks two fingers in his mouth and pretends to vomit, a little too dramatic if you ask me. Evan’s sweating bullets, his eyes are wide, and his hand is running nervously over his tie knot.

“It’s like kissing my little sister,” says the guitar player, supporting her.

“Exactly. Having said that, I see you’re asking me if I’m with Damian, and the answer is no. We’re not friends, we’re not lovers, we’re not a couple. We’re nothing, and everything that’s been said about us was made up by the media. He’s a great musician, he’s someone I’m great with artistically, but that’s all, there’s no romantic relationship between us.”

We’re nothing. The words rumble in my chest, crushing my heart so tightly it hurts to breathe. That’s what I’ve always wanted from women: no feelings. So why is it so heart breaking to hear it like that in front of everyone? I look up and see Thomas looking at me with sadness in his eyes, and that sight gives me a lump in my throat that makes it almost impossible to breathe.

Lilly bursts out laughing, amused at some comment she reads. “I know you’ve already chosen the ship name, but I’m sorry to disappoint you. I’m happily single, and I don’t need to find a man. I’m on tour with my band. I’m having the time of my life. Why should I ruin it with sentimental drama?”

Yeah, why?

“I’m gonna say goodbye now and leave you to your day...and sorry we woke you up so early.”

They both wave with one hand and a smile, and when this agony finally ends, Lilly’s face turns dark and angry again.

“There’s your statement. I’ll even put it in the stories and you know what? Even in the highlights, like this, so everyone will be able to see how things really are, forever,” she says as she slips the phone into her pocket and walks out the door, slamming it behind her and leaving us all in silence.

“Well, that’s one way to make a statement, too, isn’t it?” Michael’s voice calls us back to reality, and we all turn to him.

Evan gives me a look of disappointment I’ve never seen from him before, shakes his head and, without saying a word, leaves the room. I’ve never felt so humiliated for disappointing someone. Evan is the one who trusted us from the beginning, encouraged us, saw the good in us even though we had just gotten out of prison. My respect for him goes beyond our working relationship. We’re friends, we’ve always supported each other in carrying the weight of our past on our shoulders, and it makes me sick to see that he’s lost respect for me. His opinion is important to me and knowing that I’ve behaved in a way that he disapproves of and blames me for makes me feel inadequate. I have to make it up to him.

*

I knock on the door of Lilly’s room and wait for her to open it. I know she’s in there. If I know her even a little bit, she’s shut herself up alone, trying to let her anger out. And after a few seconds, she opens the door.

“What the hell do you want?” She’s not accusing me, it’s more like exasperation in her voice, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s what I’m doing to her.

“We need to talk,” I say as I enter the room from the little gap she leaves open before closing the door completely.

“What do you want to talk about? I think we’ve already told each other everything.”

“You’ve talked. I haven’t said anything.” I feel the irritation in my voice, and I regret it. I don’t want her to think I’m here guided by my wounded pride.

“You’ve already said what you needed to, Damian. I was just a fuck, and you’re over it, period. I can’t see anything to add to that.” She crosses her arms, resentful.

“I want to know if you’re okay,” I blurt out.

She looks at me, puzzled for a second, then she laughs. “Now you want to know if I’m okay? Really? Couldn’t you have thought of that before taking me to bed? Honestly, Damian, what do you want from me? What do you want me to do? Dematerialize off the face of the earth? Because you tell me you don’t want any part of this, but then you act like a jealous boyfriend. You push me away, but then you kiss me. I don’t understand you, Damian, I really don’t.” It sounds like desperation in her voice, like she’s looking for an explanation from me so she can get some peace of mind... and maybe I owe her one.

I sit on the bed and inhale deeply, passing my hands over my face as if I could find the courage and strength for a conversation for which there will never be enough courage and strength. “I’ve already told you that when I was little, I was entrusted to my uncles.” I look down but can see she’s turned the armchair towards me and sits down in silence.

“What I haven’t told you is why I was entrusted to them. We lived on the outskirts of Detroit at the time. My father was a very grumpy guy and...strict, let’s say. We weren’t doing well, my mother was a hotel maid, my father worked in a factory. With the crisis, my father lost his job and couldn’t find any work. The whole family was on my mother’s shoulders. The fights became more and more frequent, and often my father laid his hands on my mother. I tried to intervene, but I was too young to stop him, and I got a few slaps that sent me straight back to my room.”

I inhale deeply and try to swallow, even though my mouth is parched. I can hear her holding her breath, but I don’t have the courage to look at her.

“One night, the fight was particularly violent...the police intervened, and, from that moment on, I was entrusted to my aunt and uncle.” I’m trying to explain without going into too much detail. I never want to relive that night again. It’s not the whole truth, but it’s enough. My last words come out in a whisper, and it takes me a few seconds to recover.

“Oh, Damian,” Lilly’s broken voice makes my heart ache.

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