Page 73 of Backstage

“If you don’t feel like getting on that stage tonight, I can understand that. You can still cancel the concert,” he says kindly.

“Give me a few hours to figure out how I feel.”

Evan barely nods and leaves me to think, closing the door behind him.

*

It’s late in the morning when I go to see Lilly on her tour bus. I manage to convince Luke to leave me alone with her, even though he’s reluctant at first. I don’t think she told him about what happened last night, but he knows I hurt her again, and he won’t let me near her. When I reach her in the sleeping area, she’s curled up on the sofa, a light blanket over her, eyes swollen with tears.

“May I?” I whisper. She nods and sits down to make room for me. “I don’t even know where to start.” My voice is uncertain, totally unprepared for this conversation. “I prepared a speech before I came here, but now I feel like it doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe you should start by telling me you didn’t pay that woman to shut up.”

“I didn’t. Evan’s here in L.A. with our lawyer. They’re talking to the other lawyer right now.”

“Did you really do what she’s accusing you of?”

I can feel all her pain in avoiding using the word “rape.” I’m afraid she’s disgusted by me, my past, and the weight it carries in this context.

“Do you remember I told you I was entrusted to my uncles when I was a kid because the police intervened during a fight between my mother and father?”

She nods.

“That’s not the whole truth. My dad had been drinking a lot that night, and my mom came home late because she had to work later than usual. When he got up from the couch and didn’t find his dinner ready, he started yelling, pulling at her, raising his hands. I ran to her and tried to separate them, but my father was furious. He slapped me so hard I fell to the ground. He was coming at me when my mother started hitting him to draw attention to herself. When he turned to hit her, she shouted at me to run, and I did. I ran to the back of the room and locked myself inside the cupboard, sitting on a pile of dishes that were creaking from my shaking.

“The cabinet door stayed cracked open enough for me to see what was happening. He hit her until she fell to the floor. He sat on her chest and started slapping and punching her in the face. My mother raised her arms, trying to defend herself, but he was stronger...my father was always strong, I got my size from him. When he grabbed her by the hair and started banging her head against the floor, her arms weren’t moving anymore. She couldn’t fight him anymore; she just lay still in a pool of blood. When the police arrived, he was still there with bloody hands and knees. Sitting still and peaceful on the floor as if he hadn’t just killed my mother with his bare hands.”

The silence that follows is suffocating, and when I look at her, I see tears, fear, and horror. I don’t know if it’s the story or the realization that she’s looking at the son of a murderer, who’s also done time in prison. Either way, I can’t stand how she’s looking at me.

“Oh, Damian...” Her voice is a whisper.

“If you’re asking me if I hit that woman, I don’t know. I don’t even remember her, but I’m in those pictures, and you saw her face full of bruises.” I wince, remembering Lilly’s face last night when Michael proposed to pay her.

“Damian, I know you. You couldn’t have done something like that.” Her voice is uncertain. She needs reassurance from me, something I can’t give her.

“Really?” I get up off the couch, my voice harsh. “I’ve been to prison, Lilly. Do you realize that?”

“But not for beating a woman,” she says in a soft voice. I see her struggling.

“How do you explain those pictures? How? I’m the son of a murderer, Lilly, and as much as I want to convince myself I didn’t do anything to that woman, there’s a picture of me naked in my bed with her that I don’t remember taking.”

“There has to be an explanation...” But even she’s not convinced.

“What is it? Give me one reason why that woman is lying!” I’m screaming now, in desperation.

“I don’t know, but I refuse to believe you did it. I refuse to believe that I’ve fallen in love with a violent person.” She looks down.

The words hit me like a moving train. I was terrified this would happen, and now that she’s confessed it to me, my heart doesn’t want to stay behind my ribcage. The feeling of happiness I get from those words scares me; I can never give her the future she deserves.

I don’t even acknowledge that she says them, and say coldly, “Exactly, you don’t know, because you’re trying to convince yourself that I’m a good person. But the reality is that I’m like my father. You’re a naive little girl if you think I’m not. The one you fucked was the rock star, the handsome singer who took you on a rollercoaster ride. The best ride of your life, probably, but like all rides, you gotta get off at some point. Get a life, Lilly.”

Tears roll down her cheeks as the hiccups shake her chest. My heart tightens until it hurts.

“What do you want from me, Damian?”

“You’ve been a mediocre fuck, and when we get home the day after tomorrow, you better stay away from me. I got bigger problems than babysitting a girl who spends her life counting calories because her boyfriend called her fat.” My tone is beyond harsh.

I see on her face the exact moment Lilly’s heart breaks. And though I want to go to her and say I don’t really think those things, I turn around and try to get out of here fast. I find Luke in the living room. His eyes are full of anger when he pulls his fist back and punches me in the jaw. I don’t even react. I don’t defend myself; I simply walk out.