Page 78 of Backstage

“No, she tried to convince me that it wasn’t possible,” I admit with shame.

“And what did you say to her?”

“That she couldn’t explain those pictures to me because she’s just a little girl. I may have even told her she was just a mediocre fuck and to get out of the way at the end of the tour.”

My friends stare at me, wide eyed and open mouthed.

“Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you?”

“I know, I fucked up.”

Simon laughs his head off. “You fucked up? You’ve completely fucked up any chance of forgiveness. How many times has she let you make a mistake and always taken you back? Two? Three? You can’t possibly believe she’ll come back to you after this.”

“Actually, I hope so.”

Michael’s laughing his head off. “God, how ridiculous you are when you’re in love. You’re a lost cause, you know that, don’t you? Even I couldn’t make a worse mess than you.”

“You’re not helping,” I complain.

“How the hell are we supposed to help you? You treated her like shit while she stood by you despite a rape charge. We can’t work miracles,” chuckles Thomas.

“Anyway, you’ll have to think about that after the show because we have to get on stage.” Simon checks the time on his wristwatch.

I can hardly breathe, let alone swallow. I don’t want to go on that stage. The day has been exhausting, to say the least. I just want to talk to Lilly, make up, get on the bus and hold her in my arms. I know it’s an impossible dream, at least for the moment, because if I ever get close, I’m sure she’ll rip my hair out of my head.

I get up with the others and we head down the hallway backstage like we’re going to the gallows. Typically, we would be concentrating on the setlist, our entrance, and the last details for the show tonight. We haven’t even changed our clothes since this morning.

When we get near the stage I see her there, looking at the audience that has already filled the arena. She’s as beautiful as ever, in her glasses and comfortable, loose clothes. I get up the nerve to move closer. Luke sees me first, and the anger emanating from his eyes tightens my stomach. I must say, he’s got balls, that kid, always defending her like a tiger. I like that.

“Lilly, can I talk to you?” I’m hoping she says yes and we can walk a few steps away from her friends, who clearly want to rip my skin off with their bare hands.

“Damian, you have a gig in a few minutes. I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk right now. I’ll see you later, okay? I promise, I won’t run away. I’ll be here when you get off the stage. I’m glad the story with that woman went well.” Her tone is steady, her smile almost formal, like she’s trying to sell me life insurance, eyes cold as ice.

If she had punched me in the stomach, it would have hurt less. Lilly’s a hothead when it comes to dealing with my shit. She screams, she gets pissed off, she gesticulates furiously. Not this time. She’s a piece of ice drifting away from me. The feeling of losing her is devastating, especially since I’ve just realized that life is meaningless without her. Thomas puts his hand on my shoulder and drags me towards the stage.

“Let’s finish this and then talk to her,” he whispers in my ear while one of the assistants helps me put the earphones on, running the wires under my shirt.

Thomas’ words are just what I need to get my feet moving towards a stage that terrifies me tonight. We go up without warning, the lighting technicians are not ready for our entrance, and it takes the audience a few seconds before they realize it’s us. Only when my bandmates grab their instruments do they start screaming.

I reach for the electric guitar, knowing I should put it around my neck and start the concert with the setlist we used for the last show, but I can’t. I feel almost dazed, and the audience notices it because they aren’t shouting anymore. It’s just the buzz of people talking, not the usual excitement. I approach the microphone and stop for a few seconds to look at the perplexed faces in the front rows. I can see them well because the lights are still high above us.

“You know what?” I say into the microphone, and it’s almost entirely silent. I take my earphones off, and the feeling is surreal. “Until not even half an hour ago, I was in a back room with a woman who was beaten by her husband, the same husband who tried to blackmail me by accusing me of raping her. I have spent the last 24 hours in a state of total apathy, trying to convince myself in every way that something like this couldn’t happen to me... that I could never do this to another human being.”

The silence inside the arena is absolute, almost surreal.

“Fortunately, as you’ve seen from the press conference, things have been resolved, the accusation proved unfounded, but I can’t get on this stage and pretend that nothing happened. I’d be fucking with you.”

A few cheers, a few whistles of encouragement come out of the audience, but they don’t last long. Silence falls again.

“I don’t feel like singing and jumping and having fun and winking at a camera because there’s nothing funny about what happened. There’s nothing funny about the violence that woman suffered.”

The audience bursts into a warm applause, and I turn to my companions, who smile and encourage me. They’re just waiting for a nod from me to see what they have to do. I look for Lilly and spot her. I realize that she has her hands over her mouth and her eyes are shiny. Luke’s arm is around her waist, holding her, and for the first time, I’m not jealous of him but grateful that he’s protecting her.

“I know you guys came here for a rock concert, and you’re gonna get it, but not tonight. Keep your ticket, we’ll repeat tonight’s show when we’re ready, so you can use it for the next concert. Tonight, though, I’d like to offer you the acoustic show we did around the clubs in New York.” I turn to my mates, who nod and take off their instruments and then help the technicians scrambling around looking for acoustic guitars and stools for everyone.

The audience applauds, shouts, happy with the choice, and they seem to have understood it.

“There’s something else I’d like to say.” A few laughs come from the audience. “I know this speech is getting long and boring, but just give me a couple of minutes, so the engineers have time to change all the equipment. I’ve made life difficult for them tonight.” A few more laughs and my heart starts pounding in my chest so furious it’s liable to explode. “For the last twenty-four hours, one good thing has happened.”

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