Page 59 of Paparazzi

“No, I made my peace with her job. If you say it’s not a problem, it certainly isn’t for me.”

“Then what is it? That shit about you not trusting women? You already know how I feel about that.”

“This morning I woke up at her house, she was at her computer, wearing my shirt. It all seemed so perfect: I got up to make breakfast and talked about our day like it was the most natural thing in the world. And that’s what terrifies me.”

“Don’t you like her enough to consider living together? I don’t get it.”

“I’m too happy.”

Michael stops fiddling with the ball in his hand and turns to me with a confused look. “And is that a problem?”

“No, it’s just that happiness never lasts for me, and I’m afraid one of these days I’ll get up, and it’ll all be over. I’ve taken her home for two nights now, and when I’m at her door, I don’t know what to do. I kiss her on the cheek. Can you believe that? I kiss her on the cheek, and I stand there like an idiot, wondering if it’s too much to suggest going inside. She’s the one who makes a move every time. I have no idea how to be in a relationship, and every time I think about it, I wish I could ask my mom or my sister, who’s married with three kids, but I can’t. I’ve lost the only women my life, the most important ones, and it’s been my own fault. I’m afraid of repeating the same mistake.”

Michael smiles and I expect him to make a joke, like he always does when the topic of women comes up between us. He leans toward me and remains silent for a moment, thinking carefully about what I just told him. “Do you remember when Evan offered to represent us, and you were hesitant at first? You said we shouldn’t delude ourselves because, in this industry, fame comes and goes, that it’s not a guarantee. Even then, you were terrified, you just tried not to show it with that know-it-all attitude. You were afraid our good fortune would suddenly disappear overnight...but it didn’t. We worked hard, sweat blood, but we’re still here. Fuck, we even managed to get over my cocaine bullshit. Are you telling me you won’t be able to keep a relationship together with a good woman?”

“What if I fuck it up?”

“You will work on it until it’s fixed. You’ve already done the worst shit in your life and you’ve paid for it, you’re not going to repeat the same mistake.”

“What if she doesn’t want to be with someone who ended up in prison?”

“More likely, she won’t want to be with someone who lies to her to the altar. My advice is to tell her.”

I know the longer I wait, the harder it will be, but is there ever an easy time to drop a bomb like that? Maybe waiting for her to fall in love with me, the actual me, who I am now, without being influenced by my past, will help her accept what I’ve done.

“Since when did you become so wise?” I grin, looking him in the eye.

“I’ve always been, it’s just easier to be the clown than to be the confidant of desperate lovers like you.”

“I’m not desperate!”

“But you are in love.”

“Yes.”

Michael pats me on the shoulder, clutching it slightly before getting up again. For him, that’s as much as a hug, and I’m comforted by this rare show of affection as I watch him go back to hitting golf balls.

When I go out for lunch at Emily’s café, I’m grinning from ear to ear, looking as ditzy as a teenager in her first crush, but I honestly don’t care. I’ve never been someone who’s desperate to be in a relationship. I’ve been single for a while, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy someone’s company, and, in this case, I enjoy everything about Thomas. He’s intelligent, kind, handsome as hell, and he knows how to drive a woman crazy in bed. Plus, I have to admit, the fact that he’s a famous musician who actually makes music for a living intrigues me. Everything about him makes me believe that fairy tales maybe do exist, and I happen to be right in the middle of one of them.

As soon as I enter the café, Emily sees me and, throwing her apron in her co-worker Chris’s face, she shouts that it’s time for a break. Less than five seconds later, we’re sitting next to each other on the most remote sofa in the place and she’s looking at me like I’m her new favorite toy.

“That smile on your face makes me jealous, you know that, right? Why didn’t you come for breakfast this morning? I was waiting for you.” She raises an inquiring eyebrow.

I can’t hold back an even bigger smile that betrays all my unholy thoughts about last night…and part of this morning. “I was busy.”

“Did you do the nasty with him?”

“Yes, he came over last night.” I like to keep her on pins and needles.

Emily sighs dreamily. “And he stayed until almost at lunch? Did you have breakfast together? So it’s not just sex anymore...I mean, you’re trying to keep him around for more than a few stunts in bed?” She teases me.

“I don’t know what it is, but it’s definitely not like a few weeks ago. I don’t know how to explain it, but he made me breakfast, we talked about us...it was nice, but it felt really natural. Like we’ve been doing this for years.”

“So now that you’ve been to the Mt. Olympus of rock musicians, do you think you’re going to start living it up like they do? A different guy every night?” She laughs amusedly.

“Absolutely not. I’m already messed up with one, forget taking on others.”

“Do you think there’s any way to have a monogamous relationship with him? On both sides, I mean.”

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