Page 41 of The Senator: Raphael

“What are you doing?” I hope she can’t hear the panic in my voice.

“Cindy came by and dropped these off. She said I have to start planning the wedding,” she explains as she giggles, and I can’t tell if her excitement is for the big day or something else I can’t pinpoint.

“Listen, I know I didn’t tell you about the ring and the wedding date, and it sounded more romantic than it actually is, but nothing’s changed about the plan to split after the election. You know that, right?” I blurt out in a very messy way. It’s ridiculous how nervous I get when I talk to her about something that could upset her.

She frowns and nods. “Are you worried about it?”

“No, it’s just that I came home and found you planning a wedding and I don’t know what to think,” I answer honestly.

She bites her lip trying to hide a smile, but she’s doing a really bad job of it. “You should see your face right now,” she giggles.

“What about my face?”

“You’re panicking.” Her giggle becomes a full-on grin, lighting up her face.

“I am not!” I scoff.

“Yes, you are.” She nods. “Listen, don’t worry about it. I get your concern, but I’m not thinking about spending the rest of my life with you. I know nothing has changed and I’m aware that I need to plan a wedding that is as fake as this relationship.” There is a seriousness in her tone that puts my heart at ease, but there is also a bit of longing in her gaze that does nothing to erase Matthew’s words from my mind.

She is smart, she knows the deal, and she’s never pushed for more. But that doesn’t mean she can turn her feelings on and off like a robot. And I get what Matthew said, at least in part. She will do the right thing, but that doesn’t mean her heart won’t break.

“So, did you find anything interesting?” I point to the pile of material laying on the table.

She laughs, handing me a hideous pamphlet with a goat carrying the rings. I mean, the goat is cute, but the whole idea is hideous.

“What the…”

“I know, ridiculous, right?”

“Yes. Is there really someone who can get a goat to do that?” Sometimes I think those things are just publicity stunts to click on the website. A cute goat can be terrific click bait. Not for a wedding, though.

“Any preferences for the big day?” she asks, dropping the question with a smile on her face but a seriousness in her voice.

“About the animals I want at the wedding?” I joke but I know what she means.

She rolls her eyes and bumps her shoulder against my hip. “No, about what you like. It’s your fake wedding as much as it’s mine, so it should be a choice we make together.”

I wish I could be one of those men who leaves the wedding planning to their fiancé, but I think doing something like this together is a good way to determine how your marriage will go. It shows how you both cope under pressure when you’ll have to make difficult decisions as a couple in the future. The problem is, I don’t want to know something that intimate about my relationship with Silver.

“I’ve never thought about getting married, so I don’t have any particular preferences.”

She frowns and studies me for a long moment, seemingly on the verge of asking me something but then doesn’t do it. It’s the same puzzled expression everyone has when I say I don’t want to find a woman and settle down.

“I got my chance once but it didn’t go as planned. I’m not interested in repeating the experience,” I add, hopping this explanation is enough to satisfy her curiosity. I don’t want to dig up my past in front of catalogues of wedding dresses.

She assesses me for a while then she nods. “Let’s start with something simple. Venue or church for the ceremony?” she asks, putting in front of me two different pamphlets.

“Are we even the same religion?” I can’t hide a smile at the absurdity of this situation.

“Catholic, but I don’t go to church. You?” She grins.

“Me too. Good, at least we can settle on the basics.” I chuckle and she laughs too. “Listen, before planning a wedding, shouldn’t we go on a date at least? You know, to get know each other a bit outside this house? I know what you wear to bed, but I don’t know what your favorite ice cream flavor is.”

The smile dies on her face. “You know I’m not comfortable with leaving this house. I’m aware that up until now we haven’t had any threats, but official events are one thing, being surrounded by people on a date is another.”

“What is it that scares you the most? You know we have security, so we’re not going to be completely alone. It’s like when you go out shopping or meet with Lola.” I try to figure out how I can make her feel more comfortable.

“It’s not the same. During official events, we know exactly who will be there. I trust your staff to check people that come and go during those events. And when I’m alone it’s easy to hide, I’m not as recognizable as you are. Do you have any idea how many people know your face? You’re like a rock star, and everyone wants to shake your hand, take a picture with you. You’re the reason I’m in this mess in the first place. It’s easier to get to me when I’m with you.”

---