Page 48 of The Senator: Raphael

“Enough!” Raphael shouts and everyone stands still.

There’s so much tension in the room it’s almost impossible to breath. His father seems to want to argue, but just one furious glance from his son shuts him up. It’s so surprising that I’m almost stunned. Since entering the room, he’s been the more powerful force, but after shouting in my face the balance has shifted. Raphael is willing to go against his own father if he thinks he’s a threat to me, and the feeling is so foreign to me that my knees almost give out. Nobody has ever stood up for me like this, and the warmth that invades my chest makes my heart speed up and slow down, then pick up speed again. Not even my heart knows how to react.

“We are dealing withthiselection right now. She’s doing great and they adore her. So, shut the fuck up and get out of my house. I appreciate your help, but you are not allowed to say one more word about how I handle my campaign,” Raphael says, and I’m shocked by the anger that simmers in his father’s eyes.

If I thought he was menacing before, I was a fool. This is not your average argument between father and son. He is a dangerous man, a deadly person who won’t stop at anything to get what he wants, not even his son. I recognize that look, I saw it in a courtroom, it’s the one I’m running from. For the first time since I stepped foot inside this office, I fear for Raphael.

The man stands there for several excruciating moments then storms out without a word. We stand still until we hear the front door slam shut. Only then does Raphael dare to let out a slow sigh and sit down on the couch with his elbows on his knees, hands in his hair. I sit next to him and put an arm over his shoulder. He immediately tenses, but then he crumbles under the weight of this conversation and snuggles his head in the crook of my shoulder.

I hold him tight, not sure what to do. I’ve never seen him so defeated and vulnerable. Gone is the confident man who charmed me, who swore to protect me, who persuaded me into a marriage I never saw coming. He seems almost defenseless, like a child dumped alone in the middle of the street.

I hold him tight. “Please let me help. We can get through this together, I promise,” I whisper, lightly kissing his hair. He wraps his arms around my waist in a strong grip but says nothing. He trembles in my arms, and I can’t tell if he’s angry, or just exhausted after a long, challenging day.

I don’t know how to help him. I have no idea how to drag myself out of this mess, let alone the two of us, but the feeling that creeps into my chest is strange and unexpected. Would it be so crazy if the idea of sticking around a bit longer helping his career crosses my mind? It’s so foreign I’ve never given it a second thought. But his father’s words keep pestering my mind with questions and the one that stands out the most is:What happens to Raphael when I disappear from his life?I always thought he’d be fine; he’d thrive like he always does. But I’m not so sure anymore, and this realization hurts more than I expected.

I watch Silver sitting in a deck chair going through some notes Cindy dropped off yesterday for an upcoming public appearance. We’ve decided to base our campaign on people. We’re trying to stay in contact with voters and she’s a key element in this strategy.

When I was looking for a wife, I thought I’d find someone who would accompany me to galas or parties. Someone who had her own life and wanted only the glamorous parts of being a politician’s wife. With Silver, it’s the total opposite. She took this job to heart, and she wants to help me. I ripped her away from the life she knew, and she’s looking for a new purpose in life.

And she likes it. She likes being involved in helping people on a level she would have never reached as a barista. She was studying law before having her life torn in pieces, and I can see why she wanted a career that helped people—she’s a natural at it.

I can see a future alongside someone like her. Someone who shares the same goals in life, the same desire to help people. I can be the cynical one, used to dealing with politics, knowing how to compromise between idealism and reality, but she can be the heart, the passion, the purpose of this career. We could be a damn good team if she decides to stay longer.

It’s been seven days since our discussion with my father. Seven days since she came into that office like a tiger and fought him. I’ve never seen anyone go after him like that. Even if she was scared, she didn’t back down and I admire her for that. I’m not nearly brave enough to stand up to him like that.

But my father is right. Divorcing after I get elected is potential suicide for my career. And I don’t know how to tell her that. After what Matthew insinuated, her falling for me, I don’t have the heart to ask her to stick with me longer. The point is, I don’t have a choice.

I walk out onto the patio and bask in the mid-May warmth I enjoy most about living here. Summer is way too hot, but I love spring.

“Do you have any questions about that?” I ask, sitting on the deck chair next to her.

She lingers a few seconds on the page, then looks up at me. Yes. She has questions. Her knitted eyebrows and pouty lips tell me she’s a bit disappointed about what she’s reading and I have to fight to keep a smile from forming on my face. I really need to pay Matthew more since she came into our lives and started giving him hell.

“A lot, but I’d rather address them when Matthew’s here. I don’t want to have to repeat them,” she affirms, and I don’t say a word.

When she’s like this, she means business and I know not to challenge her.

“Listen, I’ve thought a lot about what my father said.” I focus on her face to gauge her reaction.

We didn’t talk about what happened in that office, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. It was a very intense moment, and I showed some vulnerability I haven’t revealed to anyone except Harrison and Matthew, my best friends.

Her face is unreadable, so I go for it. “I think my father is right. In the midst of all the hurtful words that came out of his mouth that day, he got one thing right. We should stay together longer.”

She’s quiet for a while, her face clouded by a sadness so deep it hurts to see it. Then a small smile slightly curves her lips, though a trace of sadness still remains. Tupac Shakur once said,“Behind every sweet smile, there’s a bitter sadness that no one can see and feel.”But what if I can see that sadness, what if I can feel it because I have it too? What if I can’t erase it from her heart?

“I can’t. I thought a lot about what he said too. I’ve tried to imagine my life in the White House, and I can’t,” she whispers. Her voice trembles with emotion and the knot forming in my throat is difficult to swallow.

“Why not? You’ve come so far, why not a little more? I can pay you for every year you decide to stay with me.” I can hear the desperation in my voice.

She shakes her head and a tear runs down her cheek. “Because this isn’t real, Raphael. It’s an illusion I’m living, and at some point, the bubble will burst. I have no past, and I have to hide the fact that I worked in a nightclub for years—wearing only my lingerie. You can divert public attention from that now because you’re just one of many senators, but what happens when you become the president of the United States? How do you think you can hide something like that?”

“We can figure something out. I have a team that handles exactly these kinds of things.” I try to convince her, but I know it’s a losing battle.

“And then what? Will you ask me to pop out a couple of kids too? Because at some point they’ll ask you for that. And if I do it? My past will always be looming over us. It won’t just disappear. You’re giving me the illusion of a normal life here, Raphael, and it’s not fair. It’s not fair because I can’t have a lovely husband and laughing kids. I came to terms with that a long time ago, and it’s not fair to ask me to believe in something else. All you’re doing is instilling hope in my heart, and at some point, it will break, and I can’t deal with that. Not again.”

She takes a shaky breath, and continues. “I already lost an entire family. I have a father, a mother, and a sister out there somewhere, and I don’t even know if they’re okay, if they’re still alive or not. You can’t ask me to surround myself with another family and then risk giving it up again. I will die, Raphael. This time you will kill me.” Her voice finally breaks with emotion, and the tears streaming down her cheeks are so raw my heart breaks for her.

How could I ask that of her? How could I destroy someone as amazing as Silver and live with myself?

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