Page 67 of The Senator: Raphael

Harrison smiles. “It’s a good movie, don’t get me wrong. It gives me the chance to star in a dramatic role and I’m glad for that. I’m just cranky because I want a cheeseburger and a huge piece of cake, but I can’t have it. Sometimes I’m just tired of sacrificing every pleasure in life for the sake of my career. But then I remember I love my job, and that puts things back in perspective.”

I nod, understanding where he’s coming from. I know a thing or two about putting my career before anything else.

“Well, if you change your mind about the cake, I have sixty-three tasting samples of wedding cake at home.” I chuckle.

“You what?” His eyes widen in disbelief.

“I swear. I came home today and found Silver buried in cake. If I eat something sweet right now, I’ll throw up.” Nausea crosses my stomach. It’s a good bakery, it isn’t that, but there is such a thing as too much of a good thing and today, I reached my limit.

He laughs, then goes quiet and puts on his best-friend-worried-face. “Is that why you’re hiding in this sauna?”

“Because of the sugar rush? No, I can deal with that.” I try to joke it off, not dive into the real reason I’m sweating like a pig with him.

“You know what I mean. Are you rethinking this wedding thing?” The worry in his tone is as clear as day.

“No, not for a second. It’s honestly going great, and I can’t complain about that. The funny thing is, I like planning it. Maybe because we don’t have the pressure of the real thing, but we’re having fun choosing the details for our wedding. The wedding planner presents all of the options and we just sit there, choosing what we like the most. It’s refreshing, once in a while, to choose something becauseIlike it and not because someone else likes my choices. Does that make sense?” I try to explain.

His expression softens and a small smile graces his lips. “It’s called ‘living your own life,’ I’m glad you finally tried it.”

“Idiot.” I playfully kick his shin.

“So, you and Silver are doing great? I mean, you like living with her.” He’s like a proud dad enjoying his son attempting his first steps.

I’ve never seen him look at me like this. It’s just a relationship, he shouldn’t be beaming because I’m capable of one. Maybe almost fifteen years of avoiding anything resembling a romantic connection has worried my friends more than I thought.

“Yes, I actually like spending time with her. She’s smart, funny, compassionate…sexy,” I admit.

“Do you sleep with her?” There’s no malice in his words. Just curiosity about the extent of my relationship with her.

I nod, not wanting to go into the detail I’m sure he doesn’t want to know.

“So, what’s the problem? Why are you here instead of at home with her?” He gets to the point of this conversation, making me uncomfortable.

“I lied to her. A massive lie that could compromise everything we’ve built together.”

“Do I want to know the details?”

I shake my head. “No, you don’t, trust me.”

“Okay, so come clean with her.”

I’ve thought about it a lot, and at this point I’m not sure it would lead to the best outcome. I fucked up, and there’s not much I can do to control the consequences. Which makes me uncomfortable. I’m used to planning my life down to the smallest detail.

“It’s not that straightforward.”

“Why?”

“Because I fucked up and I could lose her.” There, I said it out loud. I laid out my worst fear.

“Are you in love with her?”

I don’t answer. I don’t want to go down that path. Every time I cared for a woman in my life, every time I gave her my heart, she disappeared from my life. Kelsey, Alba, my mother, somehow even Jenny slipped between my fingers without anything I could do to prevent it.

I’m not setting myself up for another heartache. Not again. The thing is, I don’t know if I have much of a choice in this particular situation.

As the hot water runs down my back, I close my eyes and let the drops wash away the sleepiness from my skin. I’m tired and it has nothing to do with my new life. My new existence is great. I’ve never had a sense of purpose in life, not after the trial anyway. I was hiding and living day by day. Living with Raphael has given my life new meaning. I’m not just playing the role—a pretty face at his side. I’m doing good, like working with veterans to help to give them the medical assistance they need, visiting schools to assess what needs improvement.

I’m being useful. I’m needed. I’m helping people in ways I’ve always wanted to do. I have a re-energized focus and I couldn’t be happier.

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