Page 24 of The Actor: Harrison

I can somehow relate to that. I go back to the only time I had to deal with death and find some similarities to her reaction. I try to dig deep into the emotion of that day, even if it hurts, even if it makes my heart ache in my chest.

“You found it,” she says quietly and smiles. “I can see that you found what hold on to in the scene.”

And I smile too because I can feel in my gut this is the right direction. I raise my face to the ceiling and when I lower it, I take a glimpse of the set. They’re all staring at us like we’re some kind of strange animals. I smile, understanding their stupor. We’ve been fighting nonstop until yesterday, and if it’s strange for me—this new interaction between Sienna and I—I can’t imagine how it looks for the others. The extra playing the part of the doctor looks like he’s going to faint.

“Do you think we can try it without a rehearsal?” I ask Sienna and she seems a bit hesitant. I’m so convinced that she doesn’t question me, and I feel comfortable insisting. “Just this time, I promise. If I have to dig deep into my emotions, I don’t know how many times I can do it without draining everything I have,” I explain and she thinks about it.

She looks around and waves at the actor, the extra who will be in the scene with me, Ellen, and the director of photography, Christoph.

“Okay, but if it doesn’t work, we go over it until we fix it. This scene is the most crucial one in the entire movie. Your character’s grief is the emotional core of the script, you have to make the audience believe you, your pain. They have to see your heart shatter in front of the camera,” she says firmly.

“I promise. If I can’t pull it off, we go back to rehearsing it.” I nod and see out of the corner of my eye the four people approaching us cautiously.

Ellen studies me like she’s trying to figure out if I drugged Sienna, considering we’re not tearing out each other’s eyes.

“Can you do the scene without rehearsing?” she asks the other actor. “Just follow Harrison’s cues. He has one line in this scene, but you still have to manage not looking like a cold fish when he breaks down.”

He nods. “Yes. I just need to go through my entrance and position in the room, then I’m fine with the rest. I don’t have to walk out, right? The scene cuts with me still in the room.” He sounds confident and I don’t think he’ll have a problem.

Sienna looks at Christoph. “You have to help me out with this. Do you think you can give me all the cameras covering this in one take?”

“You aiming at a one-take wonder?” He grins and I feel the pressure of this moment dawning on me.

Doing the scene right in one take is one of those rare occurrences during filming. It’s not just a matter of being prepared, trying the scene, and being perfectly coordinated with the person interacting with you in the scene, you also have to count on a bit of luck. And that you can’t rehearse.

“It’s worth a try. It’s a particularly emotional scene. It’s challenging to pull off more than one great performance to cover all the angles. I don’t want to risk having a weak scene in the editing because the angles have a different impact,” she says firmly, and I can see the excitement bubbling up while she speaks.

She believes we can do this and I feel my heart squeeze in my chest. I don’t know what changed from how she saw me yesterday, but I can’t shake the feeling that something massive happened. It’s electrifying to work with her when we aren’t constantly fighting. Our ideas mingle in a way I didn’t think possible and it’s mind-blowing. She’s actually letting me try this, express myself, my heart, my skills. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time because if I can’t pull it off, I’ll let everyone down.

“Well, you have an Oscar-winning actor here. If anyone can do it, it’s him,” Ellen says winking at me.

I blush. I actually blush like a little girl at her compliment. She’s always on Sienna’s side and this concession is a pleasant surprise. I think she’s trying to keep the mood light between everyone, avoiding pissing me or Sienna off. Everyone is so thrown off by us not fighting, they’re walking on eggshells around us to not shatter the precarious peace.

“Can you rehearse the position on set while you dive into your character?” Sienna asks me and I nod.

We spend the next hour rehearsing the positions while operators set up the additional cameras and I dive deep down into the corner of my heart I locked away years ago because it was hurting too much.

When Sienna calls rolling and we start filming, I feel the pain already settling in my chest. I’m not Harrison anymore, I’m a father who got into a car accident and his daughter is in surgery suffering the consequences of his actions. I’m a man replaying in his head every decision he made that lead to that moment, in that hospital.

When the doctor comes into the scene, I stand up but the only thing I hear is, “I’m sorry.”

“What? How? She was just talking to me!” I choke on my lines. My throat is clogged with emotion that feels too real, too painful in my chest.

I’m transported to the moment when Raphael came to my home one sunny afternoon more than fifteen years ago. I remember him choking while telling me Alba was gone.How? Why? I was texting her not even an hour ago.I feel the numbness as he explains and my legs giving up under me.

This time I flop onto a plastic chair in a fake hospital, not the front stairs of my childhood home, but it doesn’t matter. The numbness is the same, the disbelief festering in my thoughts with questions I can’t answer. Doubts I can’t voice.

Then the realization hits. Hard. Relentless. Pain invades my chest like a wave. No, not a wave, like the rumble of the earth just before an earthquake hits. That low, deep sound that enters your bones and spikes your fear. You know it’s coming, and you can’t hide, run, or avoid it. It hits you hard like the earth shaking under your feet. It knocks you off your feet and you are powerless.

The first sob hits me like that first hit of the earthquake. Powerful, merciless, scarring. The second one hits when I’m trying to recover from the first and the third is the one that knocks the air out of my lungs.

A guttural sound rises in my throat, trying to free the pain in my chest, but when it comes out it’s like opening a dam. All the pain I bottled up during those past years comes out without any chance of stopping it. It’s so violent it doesn’t let me breathe. I bend over, clutching my gut, and I feel the tears streaming down my face, neck, soaking the neckline of my t-shirt.

It’s no ordinary acting I’m doing here. It’s as raw, honest, ugly as the pain I’m feeling. I’m not the pretty boy everyone loves now, this is the real me, with my beautiful and ugly faces. It’s the essence of who I am.

I’m brought back to reality when a hand rests on my shoulder. I open my eyes and realize Sienna is crouched next to me with a worried expression and eyes shining with tears. Sobs shake my chest but I have the strength to straighten a bit and dry the tears from my eyes. I look around and can’t find a single dry eye in the room. They’re all looking at me, some with their hands over their mouth, others with pained expressions.

I didn’t even hear her callCut.

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