Page 25 of The Actor: Harrison

“Are you okay?” she asks and I hear the concern in her voice.

“Yes.” I sob. “This is why I wasn’t sure about the rehearsals and everything. Makeup will hate me for this.” I half-smile, pointing at my face.

She lets out a sound halfway between a laugh and a huff.

She stands up and turns toward the crew in front of us. “Good first take, folks. It was fantastic. Good job, everyone!” she shouts and, after a momentary pause where there is no sound, a collective cheer rises on the set.

I take a deep breath and try to get my shit together when the actor playing the doctor puts a hand on my shoulder.

“That was an outstanding performance,” he says and my chest expands with happiness. “You made me wake up at six for two hours of work, but it was worth it,” he adds, grinning.

I let out a laugh. “Thank you.”

I stand up and walk toward my chair where I put my stuff. When I pass by Sienna chatting with Ellen, she turns to me and stops me, grabbing my hand.

“Take the time you need before the next scene,” she says and I just nod.

I’m emptied. I put my feelings away about that day years ago because it was impossible to survive Alba’s death. I had to cope somehow with her absence and I pushed down the pain in a place in my heart I couldn’t reach. Today, when I opened that part of my heart, all the feelings poured out, leaving me empty and spent. I need to be alone for a minute, to understand how to deal with what I awakened today.

***

I just finish changing when a soft knock comes from the door.

“Come on in.”

Sienna’s black mane peeks in as soon as the door opens. She seems unsure whether to come in but then steps a foot inside. She closes the door behind her but doesn’t come closer to the couch where I’m seated.

“I wanted to tell you that your performance today was exceptional,” she says in a soft voice, as though not knowing how to approach me anymore. We always shout at each other and it sounds strange to talk without fighting.

“Thank you.”

“I wanted you to know that I appreciate that you dug into those emotions. I know it wasn’t easy for you.”

I can’t stop a smile curling my lips. I lower my gaze to my hands, not sure what to say. This is the most honest appreciation I’ve ever received on set and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s difficult for me to talk about that day. It’s like stepping into a room that suddenly becomes hot and suffocating. You can feel the oxygen is running out, but you can’t do anything to avoid it. When you turn around the door you came in disappeared and you are trapped in your own thoughts.

“Was it someone you loved?” Her voice is almost a whisper but it tears through my thoughts like a shout.

“She was my best friend. The sister of the person who’s like a brother. She died in a car accident when she was barely nineteen and she ripped a piece of my heart in the process. I haven’t dug into those feelings for more than fifteen years and it was quite…frightening,” I admit for the first time out loud.

She tilts her head and studies me for a long moment. I can’t read what she’s thinking but she doesn’t seem angry with me.

“Thank you for sharing those feeling with us on set. I really appreciate that you put all your suffering in that scene. I know it wasn’t easy for you,” she repeats, surprising me.

It’s my turn to study her. I want to say a lot of things but just one comes out of my mouth.

“Thank you for trusting me in not rehearsing the scene. It really helped me to put everything I had in that one take and it paid off.”

She smiles and nods, lowering her eyes to her shoes.

“Will it always be this awkward between us?” I ask, chuckling.

“Probably.” She shrugs, smiling. “Have a good night, Harrison,” she adds after a long silence.

“You too,” I say before she disappears behind the door.

I don’t know what happened yesterday, but I’m happy that we finally got to bury the hatchet. I prefer awkward a million times over the tension between us.

Breathe. I have to remember to breathe. It’s been ten days since the epic scene where Harrison nailed one of the best performances of his life and things finally started to run smoothly on set. Too smoothly, to be honest, and this is the moment I was dreading and anticipating at the same time.

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