Page 40 of The Actor: Harrison

Does he want me or not? I would be more than happy to explore that physical attraction that consumed us last night. But when he says goodbye, turning around and walking toward his car, I’m left wondering if maybe he’s regretting what happened.

There’s something strange about preparing for a sex scene. You have to be believable for the public to get into it, but you also have to disconnect your brain to not get too excited about the situation or your counterpart will end up with an unwanted boner against her intimate parts. You have to be passionate, but you also have to repeat the scene so many times you lose sight of what you’re doing. It’s like making out for so long you end up not even reaching the sex part.

Having sex, with or without feelings involved, is all about instinct, sexual tension that builds up, and then explodes in one bomb of a moment that makes you switch off your brain. The exact opposite of when you have three cameras and microphones pointed at you to catch the best angle, the best light, every kiss, whimper, and moan. Even the breathing has to be artfully controlled to not sound like you’re dying on screen.

“Are you nervous about tomorrow’s scene?” Sienna’s voice comes from the open door of the bedroom on set.

I turn around and take her in. It’s quiet right now, everyone is already home, and we probably are the last ones on set. She undid her ponytail and the waves cascade down her shoulders. I can still feel the pleasure run down my spine from six days ago when I put my fingers into that silky hair and kissed the hell out of her. Damn. That was an exceptional kiss. It’s a shame we didn’t have the chance to replicate it.

Or rather, we had it, but we didn’t discuss if it’s a good idea to dive into something we can’t quite explain.

“No, I’m fine, but I need to prepare for it.”

“Do you want me to explain where the cameras go?” she asks, pushing off the door jamb she was leaning on and walking closer.

“Christopher already explained what you’re going to do. I think I have a good idea about how to move into the scene. I was just going through my head about how to toss my clothes.” I smile, but she doesn’t mirror my gesture. She studies me for a long moment and I’m pretty sure she’s worried about something, but I don’t know what it is.

The set is ready for tomorrow morning, the bed is in front of us like a suffocating presence that holds a meaning neither of us wants to acknowledge. I wanted this scene to be raw and real, this movie deserves that, but that also means it requires me to put a part of me out there. Something I’ve never done, something that will change my future for the better or the worse.

“Are you worried about the full-frontal nude? Are you regretting agreeing to do it?”

We went over this point until we were almost going crazy. My penis will be on screens all over the world for everyone to see and I’m sure it will stay online forever for everyone to judge. I’m confident enough to not feel threatened about showing that part of my body. But still, it worries me.

“Regretting, no. Absolutely not. I came up with the idea because this movie needs it. And not in a sexual way.” I smile at her.

She thought I was crazy the first time I suggested it. She went through the pros and cons a million times and then she agreed with me that delivering my lines partially naked or fully naked would make a difference. The sex part is not the main focus of this scene. My character’s vulnerability is. My emotion poured into the camera for everyone to see, feel,…judge.

“I know, but I don’t want to put pressure on you about showing your body. I know how you feel about being naked on set before and I don’t want you to feel forced to do it,” she says firmly.

In the beginning, I would have thought her intention was to avoid a possible lawsuit from me, but after months spent side by side, I understand she really cares about my well-being. She’s smart, she understood why I wanted this project so badly, and she knows my insecurities. She’s worried she’s treating me like everyone else in this industry did.

“This is different. In the other movies I had no reason to be naked besides dragging audiences into the theaters. They exploited my body to reach my fans. The plot didn’t require me to show my abs, but they know if I do it, it helps with the gross income during the release. I knew the reason behind it. They didn’t trick me into doing it, but it doesn’t mean I liked it.”

She nods, softening her gaze.

I continue. “This is another story. There’s no flirting, no uncalled-for sex, no sexual innuendos. This is a father who lost everything. They ripped off his family, his freedom, his credibility, his life. They stole from him the ability to love someone, and him being naked like this is exactly that. He’s depriving himself of the last layer that makes him human. He’s so defeated, he becomes vulnerable in every possible way, physically and emotionally.”

She smiles softly and nods. She knows where I’m coming from with this, the need I have to show what I’m capable of. I want to pull off a performance that overshadows my nakedness, my penis, for everyone to see.

“Are you worried about what people will think about it?” She leans her thigh on the bed .

I think for a moment about it. It’s something I turned over in my mind for days, maybe weeks. I didn’t even tell my manager because I knew he’d flip over something like that.

“Not people in general. I’ll lose fans and gain others. That’s not a problem. I’m more worried how the industry will take it. I’ll probably lose a lot of blockbuster movies—that’s a good thing—and my manager will lose his shit for it.”

“Are you worried you’ll have difficulty finding other jobs?”

I’ve thought about it, a lot, but it’s not something I would consider a problem. Not where I am right now.

“I’m a billionaire. I can stop working today and not have to worry about my finances. I was wise with my money, I didn’t squander it. I invested, I diversified my income, I used it wisely. I do this work because I love it, not because I need it. But that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about what might happen. I’ll probably have more time on my hands to find projects I really like with people who want to give me a chance to show them I’m not just a pretty face.”

She smiles and nods. “Or you can write and produce your own movies.”

I’m surprised by her suggestion. It’s a big deal to create something from scratch. It takes a lot of trust in my skills beyond acting. Being a good actor and putting a fantastic story on screen are completely different from actuallywritingthat story.

“Do you really think I can pull off something like that?” There’s a shade of insecurity in my voice. Nobody has ever believed I could do something so massive.

“I’m pretty sure you can pull off anything you want. When I didn’t know you, I thought you were a spoiled rich dude who has everything he wants. And I’m ashamed about that. I shouldn’t have judged, because it turned out you’re damn good at everything. And not because you’re magically gifted, but because you work for it. And you work hard. I’ve never known anyone more dedicated than me on set,” she confesses with a firmness in her voice I don’t know how to answer.

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