Page 75 of The Actor: Harrison

He is outraged. “Are you serious?”

“More than serious. I’ll let you know when we need to put it on the server,” I say firmly.

“Do you think that I’m going to wait around for you to go on vacation with your superstar boyfriend before doing my job?” he scoffs.

I’m so close to punching him in the face I have to make a fist at my side. “That’s exactly what I expect my employee to do. I decide when and where to do the job and if I ask you to wait, you’ll wait.” I’m tired of fighting with him.

People forget that I’m the one who got this movie. They’re working here because of me, because I wanted them. I took responsibility for every decision and I demand respect for that. I always give people freedom to work as they please because I believe everyone should do their job as they see fit, but I’m tired of being treated without respect because they mistake my kindness for weakness.

He grabs the keys from his front pocket and throws them on the desk, then storms out of the room. I feel relieved. I’ve never felt so good telling someone they have to do what I say. When I lock the door behind me, I feel like a weight has lifted from me.

***

“What happened, why are you crying?” Harper asks worried, sitting on my bed where I’ve been lying down since this afternoon when I watched the entire movie for the first time.

“I watched the movie.” I hiccup.

“What movie? The one you made?”

I nod.

She frowns. “Is it that bad?”

I shake my head. “It’s too good.”

“You’re crying because the movie is too good?” She’s puzzled.

I nod again.

“What does that even mean?” She’s completely lost.

“Watch.” I start the movie from the beginning and she settles down next to me to watch it on my computer.

I can’t explain how I feel, how watching it from start to finish gutted me. And I directed it! Usually, I know exactly how a movie I’m shooting will turn out. I have a vision about what I want and it’s never far from the outcome.

This time I completely underestimated the emotional impact of this project. And underestimated the impact Harrison’s talent had on the main character. I don’t know if it’s because I fought with him in the beginning and lost track of the actual film, or if I actually love Harrison and the pain on the screen seems way too real, but it got me like a punch to the gut.

I never cry watching a movie, let alone one of my own.

Half an hour into the film Harper grabs the tissue box, and by the end she’s sobbing so hard I doubt she can see anything on the screen. I know, because I’m ugly-crying too.

“Jesus Christ. Even without the soundtrack and the sound engineers putting their hands on it, it’s almost overwhelming. How is it even possible it’s this good and not finished?”

“Isn’t it?” I thought maybe Harrison had just fucked my brains to oblivion and I couldn’t see the movie for what it really is, but she’s crying too. “I mean, it’s a good movie, right? My judgement isn’t clouded by my relationship with him, right?”

She looks at me and shakes her head smiling. “Since when are you so insecure about one of your projects?” Her voice is soft.

“I don’t know, since I fucked the lead actor, I suppose. It’s strange. I have no idea what got into me, but I can’t separate my personal and professional life in this movie. Harrison is so into this character I can’t separate the two of them. I can see part of him in that movie, shades of his personality I’ve come to know during these months. I can’t tell if I’m seeing him or my protagonist,” I try to explain but I realize my thought are so confused I can’t even explain them to myself, let alone someone else.

Harper wipes her eyes with a tissue and puts her arm around my shoulders, dragging me to her side. “I think that you’re just in love and you don’t know how it feels anymore. After Dickhead you never let anyone in, and now that Harrison has made his way into your heart, you’re confused. It’s normal. It’s good, Sienna.”

She’s right. The turmoil inside of me was there before watching the movie. The film just magnified what was stirring inside my heart since Harrison took down the walls.

“I fucked up. God, I fucked up so bad with him that I don’t even know if he wants me anymore,” I murmur, hearing the desperation in my voice. Or maybe it’s just the realization of what I have done.

“I’m sure he didn’t give up on you. I don’t know him like you do, but he seems like a guy that doesn’t mess around. He told you that he loves you and I’m sure he didn’t say it just to make small talk. And he seems stubborn, something tells me he won’t give up on you,” she says standing up and grabbing my computer. “Call him and I’ll keep this in my room, so you don’t watch this movie again and bawl for another two-and-a-half hours.”

I smile and don’t complain about my computer. She’s right, I would have watched the movie again. I stare at my phone, trying to gather the courage to call Harrison. What can I say, besides apologizing for acting like a crazy person? I know he understood why I reacted that way, butIam the one who feels like I betrayed him. No, betrayed isn’t even the right word to describe how I feel. I didn’t give him the chance to prove I can trust him.

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