Page 34 of Lucky Sucker

“It sounds like you are demisexual, it’s described as someone who only experiences sexual attraction after or through developing a strong emotional connection with someone,” she said. “Is that what’s been bothering you?”

It had been one of the terms I’d read, and now that I knew it’s what I was, there was relief. The first person I wanted to tell was Wren, but we weren’t together. We agreed, but not a relationship.

“The coming out experience is not something I can identify with myself, but there are communities on campus that might be able to help you, people who identify in similar ways. It’s a journey, and you need to surround yourself with people who will lift you up,” she continued.

“Thank you. I’m also having a bit of a crisis of confidence,” I said in a mumble. “I don’t get it, but it’s probably connected.”

It was the fact that I knew it was connected, and I knew someone on the team was trying to undermined me and get me replaced as captain, or worse, removed from the team altogether and have my entire life ripped away.

“Anxiety is common in people who play sports and find themselves in their final year, or near big events,” she began.

I wished that was all it was.

15. WREN

Little space was hard to stay in with all the anxious adulting thoughts swimming around about everything. There was no rest from worry. I worried about what people were saying about me behind my back, and I worried about how this fake dating was going to end with Luke. He’d said on several times that he liked me and we still practiced kissing with each other, but he’d said this was all fake, and unless that had changed within the last two weeks, my brain was working under that assumption.

My stuffed teddies brought me joy but I hadn’t been able to work on any new crochet. Every time I picked up yarn and my crochet hook, I just sighed and wished for the bed to swallow me whole, and quite often, it did, under the thick duvet layer, I was now a badger, burrowed in a hole, and I wasn’t leaving anytime soon.

Luke had messaged me a couple of times already today, but I’d been inside my burrow with a media theory textbook, trying to focus on the reading assigned.

—It’s Friday, it’s the group hang tonight, let me know if you’re coming over, they’re going to film some videos and you’ve got such a good eye for detail, I wanted you around.Luke said.

It was true, I had a great eye for detail, but I didn’t know if I could stomach the idea of being around people right now. I felt hollow, like my body was a tube of penne pasta, and I hadn’t even been cooked. Ugh, I was pretty hungry, my stomach had been growling for so long, half of the words on the page I’d been reading were replacing themselves with food options.

—I can’t tonight, I’ve got to study still.I sent him. It wasn’t technically a lie because I could always do with studying time, but I didn’t need to. It was Friday, the weekend was ahead of me.

Luke was quick with his response.

—I was trying to think of an excuse to see you, I think we should talk, you know, just something casual, but you would be an asset in helping the team if you came over. I know you’re fill of great ideas.

His words gnawed at me, wanting to talk was always code for something deeper. Nobody said that if it was just casual, at least, not in my mind. I huffed and stropped, throwing my arms around inside the duvet burrow. I needed food before I decided.

—I’ll think about it, see how much reading I get through.

He sent back a heart. A fucking heart. My tongue swelled in my mouth, gathering a heartbeat of its own. I needed to tell him how I was feeling, because all these mixed signals were going to send me into a tailspin, and the last thing I needed was to breakdown again.

Everyone was home so making food in the kitchen was out of the question. I went to the diner, hoping it would be empty this early on a Friday where the afternoon met the evening. In cargos, a baggy t-shirt, and my jacket, I walked with Bloo tucked under arm. The clothes made it feel like I was back in my duvet hole.

Through the window, I saw a couple of tables and recalled the first night I arrived back in Maplehaven where I saw Luke and a bunch of other guys from the ice hockey team. They’d always been people I’d seen from a distance, usually very far as I opted for the seats further up in the stands. It was strange to know I could get within touching distance of them now, and kissing distance of Luke.

A frantic wave caught my eye from the counter. The waitress, Lucy, she was calling me inside.

All eyes on me, like my nervous system was exposed and experiencing wind chill. I headed inside and sat at the counter, forcing a big smile on my face.

“I thought I would’ve seen you around campus,” she said. “I guess everyone is busy.”

“Yeah, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks.”

She giggled. “Well, I kinda saw that. You and Luke, wow. How did that happen?” She leaned on the counter. “Come on, give me all the gossip.”

It was all anyone wanted to talk about, and if they weren’t asking about us, they were asking me to get them comped tickets or merch. I didn’t have the sway they all assumed I did.

“It kinda just happened,” I said. “I’m reporting for the Orcas this season, and we kinda met like that. And then he had to out himself because of all that stuff posted online.”

“Oh my god, the people saying he was being homophobic.” She gasped, pulling away from the counter. “They were clearly joke status updates.” She tutted. “People used to say that stuff all the time. Plus, he was like thirteen, right?”

She’d clearly read the article that was written about him. “Yeah, but the posts were removed, and now the only thing that remains on the thread us those other pictures.”

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