Page 89 of Sweat

“Tommy—”

I’m already out of the booth, marching toward a placard against the opposite wall that reads RESTROOMS with an arrow left. I don’t really have to piss, but I might puke. Thankfully, the feeling passes after I splash water on my face and take some deep breaths.

Jeez, how pathetic can I be? Erica is my sister, for crying out loud, and it’s not like she’s ever acted homophobic. Ma is a different story, but Erica wouldn’t say anything to Ma that I tell her in confidence. Sibling code.

I go back to the table and slide into my side of the booth. My Coke is refilled, and Mav is playing make-believe with the salt and pepper shakers. Erica stares at me like she isn’t sure who I am anymore. Not angry, just confused.

“I did tell you I don’t have a girlfriend,” I blurt out.

“So…” Erica looks beside her, like she’s measuring how distracted Mav is before we embark on a conversation she considersadult. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. “Does this mean you’ve been…questioning?”

“Questioning?”

Shepauses, and I can see the gears turning behind her eyes, like she’s trying to choose her words carefully. “Is this why you and Annalese broke up?”

My eyes roll. “Lese and I broke up because she cheated on me. A lot.”

“What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it doesn’t matter. I didn’t love her, and you knew I didn’t love her, so it doesn’t matter.”

She pauses again. “Do you love Rowan?”

“It’s—” I lose my words, my mind searching for an answer and coming up with a jumble of emotions I haven’t properly dissected yet. “Maybe.”

“Does that mean you’re..? I mean, are you..?”

“Gay?” I say loud enough for Erica’s spine to tease up. “Yeah. I am.”

“H—how long have you..? When did you..?”

“I don’t know, Erica. A while. Since I was a kid.”

“Tom…” Her eyes look so sullen that it makes me feel like I made the wrong choice, like I should’ve kept it from her forever. Let her live blissfully ignorant that her little brother is queer until her time comes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

I answer honestly. “I wasn’t sure. I thought I could be. I wondered if I was for a long time, but I didn’t let myself fully accept it until…Rowan.”

“He’s the first guy you’ve..?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Well, just because you like one guy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re…you know.You’re twenty. You’re in college. This is the time when people experiment with who they are. You don’t have to label yourself based on one person—”

“I’m gay, Erica,” I tell her bluntly, because the sooner she gets it, the sooner we can change the subject. “Rowan’s beenthere for me. I’m trying to be there for him too. I want things to work with us. But if it doesn’t work out, I’m never gonna date women again. That’s not who I am or what I want.”

When Erica’s eyes widen and shift toward Mav like I’ve just shouted a string of profanities, my temper rises. I compensate by lowering my voice and leaning in.

“I’m not saying anything inappropriate. I’m just telling you the truth.”

“And I just want you to have a good life, Tom. You have so much going for you. You’re talented, smart, compassionate, attractive. Why do you want to make life hard for yourself?”

“I’m not choosing this. I’ve spent my whole life choosing to be straight, but that’s not real. I wanna live a good life too, and that means being honest with myself and being with someone who makes me happy. When I’m with Rowan, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. The way I feel when I’m with him is worth all the bullshit anyone else can sling at me.”

“Are you fighting?” Mav asks suddenly.

“No,”Erica and I answer in unison.

Just then, our food arrives, and Mav has a grilled cheese and fries to distract him. Erica and I leave our plates to cool, stuck in a contest to see who can look the most defeated.

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