Page 124 of Ruled Out

Dropping my rope over the weight bench, I grab my shirt, throw it on, and make my way to the front door.

When I pull it open, Jensen wastes no time stepping inside and taking a look around before his eyes land on me. “You can tell a girl lives here now.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “Why?”

Striding over to the kitchen in his post-practice gear, he pulls open the fridge and fetches out a Gatorade. Twisting the cap, hetakes a mouthful and holds the bottle in one hand. “Because it’s tidy.”

I take a seat on a stool at the island, lifting up the bottom of my shirt and wiping the sweat from my forehead. “Did you need me for something?”

He stands opposite me, bracing his hands on the counter. “We don’t want to crowd you, man, so I said I’d come alone. It’s been a few days since … everything happened, and I wanted to check in. Mia said you’ve been hiding in the gym for most of it.”

I sit back in my seat, and my arms instinctively fold across my chest again. My mind casts back to this morning, in bed with Mia, knowing I need to be strong for her and for us. I can’t keep hiding in my apartment, where the darker thoughts get louder in the silence.

“I’m coming back to the ice tomorrow.”

“Are you okay to do that? I mean, with everything that happened.”

The agitation that’s been simmering inside me since my dad got released on bail, pending an investigation, builds. I know my friends are only trying to look out for me, but honestly, they know nothing about what I’ve been through. What they see is a guy who lost his addict mom in a tragic accident on the stairs and a dad who’s being questioned about his assault on Mia, along with his story of why it took so long to call nine-one-one. He said he was out at the time and came home to find her in that state.

Fucking liar.

My heart pounds wildly into my throat as I draw in a deep breath and hold it for four.

Jensen doesn’t say a word, but stays in exactly the same place, waiting for me to speak.

I drop my head and squeeze my eyes shut, knowing I’m anything but okay. I’m powerless to hold in my emotions, andthey spill over. “I’m a piece of shit who should’ve tried harder to save her.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Jessie,” he replies. “None of it was.”

“Then why does it feel like, other than one part of my life, everything else is fucked?”

“Mia?”

“Yeah. Why is she still here? With me? With the guy who couldn’t protect his own mom? What does that say about me as a person? I chose to fuck off to Seattle and run away from my problems. I chose the easy route while she rotted away. She had so much alcohol in her system when she died that the medics aren’t even sure she was fully conscious before she fell. What sort ofpersonlets their own fucking mother get in that state? Huh?!” My hand flies to my chest as I beat against my sternum. “I’ll tell you who, Jensen. An oxygen thief. Just like he said I was. Just like I’ve always been.”

“Jessie, I—” He rounds the island and throws an arm over my shoulder.

“All I’m good for is being on the ice. But you know what?” I unhook his arm and stand up, walking over to my balcony, my arm outstretched as I point to the outside world. The word vomit spills out of me, and my secrets unravel under the weight of my knowing I’m on the verge of losing it all, maybe even my mind. “I’m sick of this shit. Sick of pretending to be some great guy who doesn’t want to drink himself into the fucking oblivion every second of every goddamn day. Because I do. All I want is to pick up a bottle and drink until it doesn’t matter anymore. Until my face feels so numb that it’s impossible for my brain to process anything.That’sthe relief I need.”

He takes a couple of cautious steps toward me. “Jessie?—”

I cut him off. “No one really knows what happened. You know why? Because I can’t remember. My brain can’t remember! Moments, memories, beatings from my dad—they’rein there somewhere.” I bang my inner wrist hard against my temple. “All that goes on in here is sadness, overwhelming fucking pain. I’ve told Mia all I can remember, but the rest … the rest died with my mom. My brother had died because I was stronger than him, and my mom died because I was too selfish to put her over my shoulder and march her out of that godforsaken house.”

I crouch down onto the balls of my feet, the self-hatred spiraling to uncontrollable levels. The red mist descending.

“If it wasn’t for your wife, I wouldn’t have saved my girl. I wouldn’t have even known she was with him. I was too busy in my own head, dealing with my bullshit excuse for a life, while another part had my heart pinned against a wall.”

Jensen walks over to my couch and takes a seat, resting his elbows on his knees as he looks at me. “How long have you been having these thoughts, buddy?”

I tip my head up to the ceiling and smile. “It’s probably easier to ask me when I haven’t.”

He scrubs a hand over his jaw, his eyebrows raised in shock at the realization of the depth of my struggles. Maybe surprised at the effective way I’ve hidden everything from him and the rest of the boys for all these years.

“All right. When is it not so bad? The drinking, the thoughts?”

I look over into the kitchen, Mia’s coffee cup rinsed and overturned on the drainer. The last time I saw her was when she left for college before I got up. “When she’s near me. When I’m anywhere in her proximity, but mostly when she looks at me. I’ve never had anyone look at me like that before.”

“Like what?”

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