Page 51 of Total Shutdown

His warm breath reaches my face, tickling my lips, and I wet them on reflex.

“I’m not unhappy, you know. In life. I’m probably happier than most people.” I’ve zero idea why I feel the need to qualify it, but the words tumble from me regardless.

He cocks his head to the side, studying me in a way that’s hot as fuck. Like, in this moment, I’m the only person who exists in his world.

“I can’t imagine choosing to be solitary is a happy place, but if you say so.”

I mirror his actions, cocking my head too. “Does that mean you’re unhappy? There’s only you and Ezra.”

Sawyer shakes his head, a tender smile in response to his son’s name. “I’m happy, but I never discount the opportunity for my life to get better, feel fuller.”

Since I shared a part of my past with Sawyer, I find myself wondering why his blood family isn’t more involved in his and Ezra’s lives. Did they die, like mine? Really, it’s his private business. But like a lot of things with this man, curiosity gets the better of me.

“How come you don’t see your parents?”

He draws in a deep breath. I wouldn’t say thoughts of his family hurt him, but by the look on his face, there’s a lot of emotions going on right now.

“Let’s just say, my family isn’t exactly close. I don’t really talk to my mom, dad, or brother who still live back in Louisiana, where I’m from. I didn’t have a terrible childhood or anything like that; it was more a case of being detached. They didn’t come to my ice hockey games. They weren’t interested in supporting much in my life. They’d prefer to go out with friends or on vacations.”

He drops his head, and I can tell whatever he’s about to admit is hurtful to him.

“My older brother is an asshole who got involved with some bad crowds, and my parents don’t make an effort for anyone but themselves. When I moved out for college, they never really called me or asked how I was doing. I guess you could say I’m just used to going it alone. When Ezra was born, Sophie and I tried to rekindle a relationship with them so they could see him. It didn’t work, and they let us and Ezra down multiple times. That’s when I called it completely and saidnever again.”

To my surprise and despite what he’s saying, Sawyer smiles. “Dom and Alyssa are more like the parents I didn’t really have. I guess I found my own family in them.”

I nod along, feeling and understanding all Sawyer’s saying. Perhaps we’re alike in more ways than I first thought—though our circumstances are different, we’re both without our blood parents.

I look out onto the lake, feeling a sense of hurt on his behalf. “I’m sorry your family wasn’t what you deserved. People can let you down when you need them the most.”

“Is that why you don’t kiss? Fear of growing attached and being let down?” he asks quietly.

The immediate need to shut down this conversation swells in my gut.

“I do kiss.”

His brows knit together, blue lighting cast across the lake glowing on his high cheekbones. “Just not me then.”

He hasn’t forgotten a moment of what we said or did that first night we hooked up, has he?

I pull in a breath. “I can’t sleep with you or kiss you, Sawyer. I …” I trail off, panic rising.

He edges closer on the bench. His hand sliding down the back until it’s only millimeters away from my shoulder.

Sawyer reaches up, cupping the side of my face in his palm. I know my cheek is cold, but it burns from his touch.

“Hand over a little of that control, Baby. You can trust me with it.”

Another inch closer, and I’ll be doing just that—kissing him.

“Aren’t you scared?” I ask. “You’ve lost people too. You could start falling for me, and then I could just up and leave.”

“Oh, Baby Girl.” He runs the callous pad of his thumb across my bottom lip, smiling knowingly at me. “For a girl who thinks she has it all worked out, you just don’t get it, do you?”

Even if I wanted to reply, I couldn’t.

Sawyer closes the remaining distance between us, whispering against my lips, “I already am.”

Just like I knew I would, I let him kiss me. Every single bone melting until I can’t be sure I’m upright.

---