Page 172 of Doubts & Fears

“You trying to get men killed? I suggest you behave,” Ivan growled. I sighed but nodded.

They kissed me and then promptly left. My session with Marcel was awkward and not what I thought it was going to be. He was always so good about trying to get information without adopting a Dom tone. He also knew me well enough by now that he knew I’d hold back if he didn’t. So, several minutes into the session, he used it.

“Ms. Taylor, is there something you want to say?”

“There are several things, actually, but I’m not sure exactly where to start.”

“Pick one, young lady, so we can get started here.”

“I don’t like that you talk with Alek, Nik, and Ivan about me.”

“I have been good at keeping the content of our sessions private.”

“Yes, well, standing ovation for you, well-done, Counselor. However, your suggestion on personal items to ensure myneedsare taken care of was unwarranted, unwelcomed, and very unprofessional,” I huffed.

“The reasoning behind it may have seemed that way for you, but it was given as a way to empower you.”

I rolled my eyes. I didn’t buy that for a minute. “Bullshit. You don’t want them to touch me. I don’t quite understand how what any of us do in the privacy of our bedrooms isyourbusiness.”

“Um, but it hasn’t been kept only in your bedrooms now, has it? Shall we discuss that next?”

Anger flared inside me. “I was taking your advice and exercising my voice. Isn’t that what you challenged me to do? Now it’s your turn to answer. Why don’t you want me being touched?”

“I have my reasons. The truth is, you’ve only surface-scratched your trauma. You’re still holding back, which tells me you aren’t ready.”

“Yeah, well, what if what you suggested caused me trauma?”

“Did it?”

“That’s not the point. The point is, how is your suggestion for me any different from any potential trigger I could encounter with my Kings?”

“You’re the one missing the point, Ms. Taylor—”

“What if I had a specific idea about masturbation and using a vibrator? What if ‘taking care of my own needs’ caused a lot of anxiety for me? Whereas having an actual man touch me doesn’t?”

“Did it cause anxiety for you?” He was gauging my body language, facial expressions, and tone, dissecting me once more.

“You know what? You’re right. There are things you don’t know about me and my past, including sexual things, and no, Owen Taylor didn’t do them. Stop making suggestions about what you think is good for me because you don’t know. You don’t know me.”

“You’ll watch that tone with me.” He flared, and I knew I was pushing my limits. After several minutes went by, he spoke. “Your comment is fair, Ms. Taylor, and you’re right. Unfortunately, I only know what you’re willing to share. If you want to achieve your end goal, at some point, you’re going to need to open up with me.”

“It’s not that easy,” I whispered, shaking. Never in all the years since I had been rescued did I want to share my story as much as I did with him. The fear was he’d see how horribly broken I was, and I’d lose the Kings entirely.

I drew my knees up, trying to make myself small and not think about how stupid my thoughts were. I should have been long gone by now. Charles wasn’t as diligent in monitoring me on soul-snatching nights. The truth was, I could have slipped away a few times now.

“I want you to freely navigate sexual situations in a healthy manner, now and in the future. Something we need to be mindful of is that what you and the Kings are engaging in is outside the scope of a normal relationship.”

“I’m well aware of that,” I huffed, and his eyes narrowed.

“If there’s even the slightest bit of sexual abuse in your life, it needs to be addressed, or you’re a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sexual abuse victims often struggle to meet the needs of their partner in a standard vanilla relationship, let alone find comfortability with their own needs.” He paused. He didn’t understand; I wasn’t sexually abused. His next question threw me.

“You seem to have a deep understanding of the lifestyle. If you had to classify what you’ve done with the Kings right now, would you say that you’ve explored any real kink?”

“I…um…Dr. Marcel, they’re taking things slow because of yo—”

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