Page 196 of Doubts & Fears

He brought his hand down once more, this time harder.Damn it, why do I do this? I fought my inner demons. The part of me that was still testing, that hadn’t apparently learned a damned thing over the years, was showing her ugly self.

“That hurt,” I said, my voice breaking. He pushed my hand away and caressed my stinging ass. I’d bet there were handprints, and I’d have a bruise by morning.

“Change your attitude, then, young lady.”

I sighed as he continued to rub my ass, making it better. As Nikolai liked to do, he switched gears, confusing me in the process. I lay there as he gathered my hair to one side.

His gentle touch ignited a flicker of warmth along my spine. His fingers delicately trailed across my back, leaving a lingering sensation in their wake. Tension coiled within me, anticipation heightening with each passing second.

In that moment, as his gaze met mine, a breath caught in my throat and his fingers froze. Recognition flickered in his eyes as his hand moved across the three faint scars that marred my shoulder. The brush of his fingertips caused me to tense up.

A rush of emotions swirled within me. Ninety-eight percent of the scars had healed on their own with the help of Doc. But despite everything we had tried, I still had a triangular-shaped one and two other faint ones.

“I’m going to ask you a question, and you will answer me this time. And with honesty, baby girl. How did you get these scars?”

I quickly swept my hair back, trying to mask the vulnerability I knew he could easily see. Blinking rapidly, I fought against the fear threatening to consume me as I sputtered, searching for the right combination of words. In a foolish attempt to distract him, I ran my trembling hand across his face.

My touch carried a weight of urgency, a plea almost for understanding. His expression changed immediately, and concern etched his features. It was an all-too-familiar look, one he reserved for me whenever I’d had a nightmare.

“Let me rephrase it. Who the fuck did this to you?” he growled.

I choked back tears, my vision blurring as I desperately fought to maintain control. The question lingered in the air, oppressive and heavy. It didn’t deserve to be in this space between us. The memories tainted what we’d just shared. He sat up, the bed shifting under his movement.

He was losing patience. Each second that passed without an answer had him growing more upset. His eyes never left mine. The room felt smaller by the second. My stupid secrets made it difficult to breathe. The sound of the sheets rustling as he moved away seemed to echo in the silence.

He sat on the edge of the bed, his face buried in his hands. All the warmth of the moment and his body heat left me. It was replaced by a chill that was reminiscent of the underground hellhole I spent two years in. He rose, and my bones ached. The soft thud of his feet hitting the floor confirmed my worst fear.

He was putting space between us. And now my heart joined in the aching. Silence stretched on, filled only with the sounds of our breathing, mine shaky and uneven as the seconds passed.

“Nikolai,” I whispered. My plea echoed the weight of my desperation.

He yanked his clothes on. “I need a goddamn minute,” he said, running his hand through his hair.

I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold it together. Every fiber of my being wanted to rush over, to pull him back, but the fear of rejection held me back. Instead, I turned my head away, staring at a fixed point on the wall, hoping he wouldn’t see the tears that fell.

“Don’t go,” I whimpered pathetically.

In that moment, I was utterly lost, my soul disorientated, trapped within the confines of a heart that was shattering. Waves of anguish in the form of tears fell from my eyes. He didn’t want me. My damage was too much. I knew this was a possibility, but damn, it hurt now that I was confronted with it.

“I’ll be back.” His words fell like a bittersweet promise.

I knew better than to argue. With a heavy sigh, I nodded and surrendered to the reality of our situation. I lay down, curling my body into a small ball, wanting nothing more than to disappear.

The bitterness inside that I worked so hard to keep at bay had me cursing the shadows of my past once again. It was my own perpetual form of hell, taunting me at every step.

Chapter 63

Nikolai

The Two Things

Istormed out of my room and down the dimly lit hallway, with a sick feeling curdling in my stomach. The shock had me banging on Ivan’s door with a resounding thud. Anticipation surged as my heart pounded within my chest. They’d help me process this shit. With a sudden jolt, the door was yanked open.

“What the fuck?” he exclaimed, his features a mix of irritation and surprise.

“Family meeting, now.” I walked away and didn’t bother knocking on Alek’s door. He was sketching, and I’m sure the subject was Kinsley.

A flicker of concern danced across his face. Without me needing to say a thing, he spoke. “What the hell happened?”

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