Page 97 of Darling Beasts

“Gabby. That’s not fair.You’vehidden your disease, not the rest of—” Talia began.

“I’m not talking about me,” I said, and Dad startled. “I’m talking about Mom.”

“Oh, shit,” Ozzie said. He lowered onto the end of the bed, putting a hand on Dad’s leg, as if anchoring him down.

“Did she have cancer? Or is that what you told people because it’s more socially acceptable than suicide?”

“So much for acting normal,” Talia groused.

“I’m sorry. My timing is shit,” I added hastily. “But. Here we are.”

A pained expression washed over Dad’s face.Great, I’d probably just given him another jolt to the heart. I fought the urge to take it back, but no one was demonstrably angry, so I stood in this truth while we waited, exchanging anxious looks.

Finally Dad sighed. “To be perfectly honest,” he said, “I’m not sure.”

“What!” Talia chirped.

“We were separated, and she didn’t keep me apprised about her illness day-to-day. Shewasin very poor health that fall and briefly hospitalized. With bits and pieces, I drew my own conclusions, and no one gave me a reason to believe otherwise. Not even her sister, her next of kin.”

I nodded, silent, because I’d suspected this all along. Admittedly, her semi-estranged sister wasn’t the most reliable narrator, but did it matter? Mom had been in pain either way, and we’d never really understand what happened, just like we’d never really understand her. We all sat on this, ruminating for what felt like ten minutes until Dad softly cleared his throat.

“Probably handled it poorly,” he said. “Handled most things poorly. I was a bad parent. Guess I don’t need to tell you that.” We protested as he laughed grimly. “I never imagined I’d be completely in charge of you guys. Then your mom left, and I was fixated on keeping you safe and in New York. I never questioned whether you were getting your emotional needs met.”

I tilted my head. “What do you mean, keeping us in New York?”

“The custody battle,” Dad said. “With you and Ozzie. You remember.”

My heart stopped. A bad analogy, seeing as how we were in the cardiac unit, but it was the only way to describe the quick, sharp tug in my chest. “I absolutely do not recall a custody battle.”

“Definitely fresh information,” Ozzie concurred.

I glanced at Talia, but she stared down at her lap, refusingto meet my eyes. Was this what she meant when she said we could’ve spent more time at the Ranch, but Dad always got in the way?

The fight over custody, Dad explained, was why they never formally divorced. Talia was seventeen and allowed to decide for herself, but Mom demanded primary custody of Ozzie and me. Dad was willing to give her everything else she asked for—the Ranch, half his ownership in FDG—literally anything but that. Daphne loved us but was too unpredictable, and he didn’t like the idea of us living so far away. He fought like hell, but they never came to an agreement. Then she died, settling the matter once and for all.

I could’ve lived at the Ranch full-time?Between this and Dad “fighting like hell,” my mind was quietly blown. I’d always assumed we ended up with him because we were already in New York and it was easier for everyone.

“Maybe I should’ve given her what she wanted,” Dad said. “I didn’t really knock it out of the park in terms of parenting.”

“Ah. It’s fine.” Ozzie slapped the air. “Doing the best you could.”

“But why,” I pressed. Unlike Ozzie, I couldn’t so easily let it go. “If you wanted us, why didn’t you say anything? Or explain what was happening? You let Mom leave and kept up the ‘it’s temporary’ charade until it wasn’t temporary anymore. Then we simply... carried on.”

“You were young,” Dad said as tears pooled in his blue, veiny eyes. “And you had Diane and seemed so happy, and it felt cruel to force you to dredge up old wounds.”

“Diane was great,” I said. “And I tried to be fine because everything was in turmoil, and I was afraid of causing more problems.”

“Me,” Ozzie said, raising a hand. “The turmoil is me.”

“Meanwhile I had animals coming out my ass?”

“I know.” Dad rubbed his face. “But I wasn’t in my rightmind. Even though we were separated, I loved your mother. I just couldn’t live with her. Her death left me devastated, and furious, and every other thing. It took me years to...” He rattled his head. “I’m not sure I’lleverget over it.”

Just like that, the ice around my heart started to crack. “God, Dad,” I said, lowering onto the bed, too. “I never thought about it that way.” I never considered he might be grieving, too.

“I loved your mom,” he said as a faraway look passed over his face. “When Daphne was doing well, she wasdazzling. It’s a tragedy she couldn’t find help or accept help or give herself a chance to improve. Maybe she wasn’t meant to live long. Who the hell knows.” Sighing, Dad closed his eyes and sank back into his pillows. “I don’t have the answers, and I’m sorry for all I did or didn’t do. But I love you guys. And your being here, right now, in spite of everything, is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”

Ozzie smirked, though only Talia and I could see it. “All you needed was an ill-conceived senate run and a heart attack,” he said.

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