Page 76 of Lela's Choice

“What do we have, MacGregor?” Lela pulled herself free and stepped back, holding up a hand to keep him at bay. Angry, aroused, torn in two as she’d never been before. Furious with how easy it would be to fall back into his arms, to sink into the welcoming bed, to take him deep inside her and live in the moment. Distraught at the dilemma he’d revealed and the solution he’d chosen. “You’re pretty free with your criticism of me putting my life on hold for my family. Now you’re asking me to put my life on hold for you.”

“Stay here with me for a few more days. Let me make love to you,” he repeated.

“A few days.” She struggled to control her anguish.

“We can go away together sometimes. I can’t promise more. I can’t take that risk again.”

“An affair until you jump at a shadow and decide we shouldn’t meet at all?”

“I’m trying to find a way to keep what we’ve found.” He was asking her for the impossible, and it seemed so unlike the man she loved.

“You can’t freeze the moment, take it out of hiding every now and again and breathe life into it. It’ll shrivel while it’s in the dark.” Looking into his eyes, Lela faced her deepest fear. Unlovable.

No man had ever put her first. Hamish wouldn’t be offering a secret affair if he loved her even a bit. The world didn’t matter to her—Hamish did.

“I could take precautions,” she whispered.

“If I acknowledge you publicly as my partner, you’ll be a potential target.”

“I won’t spend my life fighting shadows. I haven’t worked to keep my family together to deny myself the chance of making one.”

“I want to be with you again.” But he looked away.

“What do I tell my family? That I’m seeing someone, but we hide behind curtains and meet after dark? What do you tell your family?” she asked, reading the answer in his averted gaze. “Nothing, you tell your family nothing.”

“Don’t condemn my caution!”

“Caution is about taking steps to protect yourself and those you love. Your vow sounds like fear and guilt to me. Have you told your parents you’re responsible for Olivia’s death?” She doubted it.

“They’d disagree.”

“Waste their time on exorcism over chops and veggies.” She smiled without humour, at the memory of how his parents had soothed his childhood fears.

“Olivia’s death changed that. I might be able to turn my rage and fear into a weapon against those who attack me, it’s harder when they hunt the woman I love.”

“But we’re not talking about love, are we?” She pressed because the truth was preferable to false hope.

* * *

“ICARE ABOUT YOU.”I love you.

Her unwavering honesty and loyalty had slipped under Hamish’s guard. Her passion, her generosity, her sheer exuberance for living had caught him by the balls. He’d willingly lost himself in the wild taste and feel of her. The urge to take her had been irresistible, beating a tattoo in his blood until nothing else mattered except possession.

With her, he forgot the loneliness he’d carried too long, forgot the vows he’d made after Olivia died. More than that, wanting Lela beyond reason made those self-imposed shackles chafe at him, heavy beyond bearing. But the basis for that vow was unchanged. Telling Lela it would all be fine was a lie he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

Hamish closed his eyes, blocking out the challenge and the pleading he read in hers. Like the mighty warrior she was, she battled him, trying to shake his resolve. He wanted her more now than he had this morning, wanted her more with each passing moment, but couldn’t give in on this. Her safety was too precious to him. Asking her to agree to a secret affair was cowardly, but he wouldn’t admit he loved her. He’d messed up enough. If he had to wound her to save her, he would.

“The risk is always there.” He’d become too deeply entangled before he’d realised he would hurt her. If he acted with care now he might be able to salvage her pride.

“Would you deny yourself the possibility of love and a future because of one madman?” Her eyes reflected her turbulent emotions, dark amber as her tone shifted from anger to confusion.

“Isn’t that what you’ve done for eighteen years because of your father?”

“That’s cruel, but maybe you’re right. I’m not going to do it any longer. I’m going to find a man who loves me, who’s prepared to build a life with me.” Her voice wobbled, and he cursed himself for making her cry. “You must know I couldn’t accept a furtive, hidden affair?”

“I did. I do. But it’s all I can offer. Selfishly, I want the possibility of seeing you occasionally.” He cursed his need, his greed in wanting to make love to her, to hold her even for a short time. He told himself a clean break would be better for her.

“I’m selfish too.” She pounded her chest. “I want you in bed beside me every night. I want you to share my dreams and my daily frustrations. I want you to be holding me if we decide to have a child.”

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