Page 44 of Partridge in a Bear Tree

"Just wait," Jon rasped. "Wait until it hits you. Oh, god, Laurie, this was a dumb idea."

"Itoldyou," Ashley snapped. Her bear was lying on its back, mouth open, paws trying to scrape the heat off its tongue. "It's a stupid idea over a dumb beef that isn't even real!"

"I willpayfor your whole Disneyland trip if you eat another plate of those," one of her relatives said admiringly. Penny, disappointed, finished her wing, stole the rest of Ashley's, and reached for the fifth one without even taking a drink of water.

Ashley, Jon and Laurie all watched in disbelief as she chowed down on that and went on to the final two with undiminished enthusiasm, only pausing before the last to say, "Aren't you guys gonna have yours?"

"How is your head not exploding?" Laurie whispered. He took his fifth wing, eyes tearing up as he inhaled its scent, and cast Jon a miserable look before biting into it. His pained, "Oh my God," was muffled by the wing. "We shouldn't have gotten the one called 'Gut Buster,' Jon."

Ashley wailed, "I'm eating something called 'Gut Buster?'" as she tried the fifth wing. Her bear had its head in a spring now, and was bellowing pain and outrage into the cold water. Ashley only wished it helped.

"C'mon, Ash," Penny said encouragingly. "It's just two more. And I'll eat your leftovers."

"I'm going todie! How are you doing this?"

"I told you, I like spice!" Penny actually managed to leer as she said it, which would have been really impressive if Ashley could respond instead of squirting tears and gasping sobs between each bite. "The sixth one is called 'Hellfire's Kitchen' and it's got a flavor like those red-hot candies we used to eat as kids? Or at least I did."

"That doesn't sound so bad." Jon took his sixth wing, bit into it, and just started to cry. Laurie stared at him, then at Penny, and then at Ashley as she, with trembling hands, took her own Hellfire's Kitchen wing and managed a tentative nibble. Her face flushed so hot she felt the tears spring to her eyes, just as was happening to Jon, and a cheer erupted around the table as Laurie shook his head and pushed his wings away. Pennydelighted, grabbed both of his last two wings and ate them happily while Jon stared dismally at the seventh wing in front of him.

"Be real," he said to Penny. "How bad is it?"

Ashley, in a fit of stupidity, grabbed hers and took a big enough bite to prove she'd done it, then let out a high thin squeak of horror and grabbed for her milk, too. And knocked it over, howling in dismay as it spilled. "No oh god no I'll die!"

"You can have mine," Penny said generously, and slid it to her.

Ashley drained the entire glass while her relatives, laughing and cheering, scrambled to clean up the mess she'd made. When she could breathe again, which took about four hours by Ashley's estimation, she wheezed, "Do you remember getting poison ivy when we were seven?" At Jon's cautious nod, she said, "Like that, except burning its way down your throat into your gut," and Jon, with a shudder, pushed his last wing away.

Penny pounced on it with a trill of delight while the gathered Torbens burst into a new round of cheers, jeers, and good-natured paying-up of debts. "Ladies and gentlemen," Ashley said through the fire in her throat, "let me introduce you to my mate, Penny Partridge, Champion Hot Wings Eater."

Another cheer went up, this one more sentimental-sounding as her family—those who hadn't already known—realized what she'd said and started swooping in for hugs and congratulations. "Is it in the water?" somebody asked. "Do I need to be introduced to the rest of the Sixty Pix?"

Penny heard that, and laughed. "The rest of us are either dating each other or not on the dating scene at all. I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere."

"Aw, well, congratulations anyway!"

Laurie's eyes were still watering as he tried, somewhat feebly, to get out of the booth. "The Gut Buster got me. I'm going to barf."

The crowd cleared out immediately, letting him through, and Ashley put her hand into Penny's, pulling her out of the booth. She said, "Aww, no more wings?" with apparent sincerity, although Ashley's stomach was roiling and she couldn't imagine wanting to eat more wings. Or anything else again. Ever.

We have to eat again,her bear said miserably.We need to be nice and fat to hibernate.

I can't hibernate,Ashley replied, almost as miserably.My belly is too rotten.

The poor bear moaned agreement and Ashley vowed to never, ever eat hot wings again for any reason at all. One of the cousins offered her another glass of milk and she drank it carefully, still hanging on to Penny's hand before whispering, "Thanks," hoarsely. "Oh my God, that was just awful."

"It was amazing," her cousin Luke disagreed. "Jon had been crowing about this idea for two days and he was sure you guys wouldn't make it past two wings."

"It's not true," Jon said from the booth, where he'd put his head on the table. "I thought you'd make it to four but I thought the Gut Buster would kill you, not me. I'm going to die."

"Don't underestimate girl power," Penny said smugly. "But also, don't die, that would ruin our whole Christmas Eve."

Jon lifted his head, looking injured. "Just your Christmas Eve?"

"Well, sure, you can't expect us to be all sad for youtomorrow, too, can you? Drink some milk," Penny suggested. "I think it's helping Ashley."

"She's just ruthless," another cousin said to Ashley, admiringly. "I'm not pressuring you, swear to God, but if youguys decide to have kids she's not gonna be the sympathetic mom, is she?"

Penny grinned. "Not if they challenge me to a hot-wings-eating contest, anyway!" She offered her hand, and the cousin—Jeremy—introduced himself, then turned to the next cousin and introduced him, too.

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