Page 101 of Last Summer

Nathan flips open the folder and skims the title page.Adventure’s End: A Grieving Father’s Tribute to His Son.He snaps the folder closed and tosses it aside.

“Aren’t you going to read it?”

“Later.” He regards her coolly. “I want to talk about us.”

“Us? There can’t be an us.” She holds up a hand when his mouth parts and continues before he can challenge her. “I’m sorry about Alaska and everything that I let happen between us, but we’re married to other people.”

“I’m divorcing my wife. I want to be with you.”

“I don’t know what promises I made to you before, but I’m not leaving my husband. I love him.”

“And me? Do you...” He falters, looks down at the floor before trying again. “Do you love me?”

“I...” She stops, catching herself before she says the wordsI don’t love you.Almost the exact words her mom shouted at her dad that fateful Thanksgiving night.

Bite your tongue, Ella.

Nathan watches her expectantly. Ella realizes there’s no easy way to tell him. There’s never an easy way when it comes to matters of the heart, especially when one’s heart is being worn on his navy-blue flannel sleeve, as in Nathan’s case.

Ella chooses her words carefully, and she chooses to be honest. “I care about you, Nathan. I care about you a great deal. More than I should.”

He makes a pained sound deep in his throat. “Then why not follow through on it?”

“I can’t. I mean, I won’t. I believe you when you say I loved you once. But I don’t remember how I felt about you. I don’t feel that way now.” She whispers the last admission.

He watches her quietly. He looks as if he doubts her. She shifts, uncomfortable under his gaze.

Ella looks at her hands in her lap.

“Simon was yours.”

When she doesn’t hear a response from Nathan, she lifts her head to make sure he heard her. He did. His face has gone white. He squeezes his clasped hands so tightly together that Ella can see the whites of his knuckles from where she sits.

Suddenly, he pushes to his feet and goes to the window. Arms folded over his chest, he keeps his back to her.

“Remember when you told me we ran into each other in Reno? I don’t think I knew he was yours then.” Ella tries to explain what she’s concluded based on what she’s been told, careful not to betray her husband’s confidence. Nathan doesn’t need to know about Damien’s sterility. “Damien told me he wasn’t the father the same day as my accident. That must have been why I called you.”

Nathan crosses the room back to her. “You called me seconds before your accident. We got cut off. I was on the phone with you when...God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were driving. I would have told you to call me back or find someplace to park so that we could talk. I can’t stop thinking that had I simply hung up, Simon would be with us today. Don’t you see, Ella? It’s my fault he’s dead.” He’s crying now. Reaching for her, he pulls her into his arms. “I’m so sorry. About everything. Can you forgive me?”

For an instant, Ella wants to shove him away. She wants to blame him. For everything. But it’s not his fault. She’s the one who called him. She’s the one who’d been on the phone while driving and not paying attention at the intersection.

Nathan blames himself for both of his sons’ deaths. But the weight of Simon’s loss isn’t for him to carry. It’s Ella’s and Damien’s. It was their lies that got them to where they are today.

Ella steps from his embrace and looks him in the eyes. “The accident wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have called you when I was so upset and driving. I forgive you, but I never blamed you, nor will I ever. Do you think you’ll be able to forgive yourself?”

He thumbs away her tears and wipes off his own. “I’m trying.”

“Good.” Ella nods, sniffling. “That’s good.” Looking behind her, then on the floor, she grabs her bag and hefts it onto her shoulder.

He clears his throat. “You’re leaving?”

“I am. I have a plane to catch.”

“Can I see you again?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think so.”

He closes his eyes, nodding. He doesn’t like her answer, but he doesn’t argue. She’s right, for both their sakes, and he knows it. Leaning in, he kisses her gently on the lips. “Goodbye, El.”

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