Page 29 of Last Summer

Four Years Ago

Three weeks into her relationship with Damien, they went for a morning run in Golden Gate Park. It was late spring in San Francisco, when the days are shrouded in gray and the light is softer as the fog sits on the city like an unwanted houseguest. They ran past a team of middle school boys playing soccer. An errant ball cut across the field and bounced off Ella’s ankle. She stumbled, but Damien grasped her arm, preventing her fall.

“I’ve got you.”

“Thanks,” she panted, short of breath. “That wouldn’t have been pretty.” Ella laughed off her embarrassment.

Damien eased their pace until she fell back into her runner’s zone. She watched two opposing players chase after the ball and smiled at the parents on the sidelines bundled up in parkas and fueling up on lattes in metal thermoses. Someday that might be her and Damien, their Saturdays filled with soccer games and family movie nights. She’d started falling for him the night they met and, even though she hadn’t told him yet, was now hopelessly in love. She could already picture a future filled with their children’s laughter, summer vacations in Hawaii, and winter breaks playing in the Tahoe snow. Damien would make a wonderful father. He’s patient and affectionate while at the same time authoritative and encouraging. Their kids would be well rounded and good natured. If they were anything like their father, they’d excel at almost everything they did.

“Any interest in kids?” Damien asked, jogging beside her.

Ella felt a certain thrill their minds were on the same track, but the sideline referee chose that moment to blow his whistle as they ran past him. The shrill noise pierced Ella’s ear and she shook her head.

Damien smiled. “Me neither.”

“You neither what?”

“Kids.”

What?

Ella stopped abruptly. Damien looked back over his shoulder, surprised she wasn’t beside him, and jogged back to her. “You okay?”

She squinted at him. Had she heard him correctly?

“You don’t want kids?” she asked, incredulous.

“No, not really.”

“Why not?” Waiting to have kids is one thing, but to consciously decide not to have them? That’s an entirely different story with an ending Ella didn’t see coming.

Damien shrugged. He wiped his face with his shirt, looking uneasy at the way she stared at him dumbfounded.

“What?” he said after a moment.

“That’s a pretty definitive decision, Damien. One you’ve obviously put some thought into. I’d really like to understand why.”

He tapped the toe of his shoe against a park bench leg. “Anna wanted kids.”

Damien had told Ella that he divorced Anna over irreconcilable differences. With this new tidbit of information, she’d bet their marriage ended over kids. Anna wanted them. Damien didn’t. He’d break it off with Ella if she told him the truth about what she really wanted. Their relationship would end before it truly started.

“I don’t see kids in my future,” he said. Such a simple statement, yet so powerful. A dream killer.

Hands on hips, Ella turned away from him and watched her plans of motherhood disappear downfield with the ball. She was in love with Damien, no doubt about it. But was she willing to give up children to be with him? She didn’t even know yet if he loved her back.

“Ella?”

She turned back around. Damien looked unsettled, almost heartbroken, and it made Ella nervous and a little sad. “If you really want kids, maybe it’s best that we...” He swallowed roughly. “I love you, Ella. I don’t want to lose you, but at the same time, I don’t want to be that guy who keeps you from getting what you want. You’d never be happy with me. You’d leave—”

Ella didn’t let him finish. She closed the distance between them and looked up into his face, her heart racing. “You love me?”

He smiled broadly. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. So much,” he whispered vehemently.

She beamed. Grasping his shoulders, she stood on her toes and kissed him. “I love you, too.”

He flashed another smile, but it quickly faded. “But...kids?”

Ella knew that if she was honest with him, right here and now, what she’d tell him would destroy everything that had been and still was budding between them. Ella might not have his disinterest in kids, but what she did have was time. Maybe, one day, once he saw how great their life could be together, she could convince him to change his mind.

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