Page 100 of Find Me in California

“I’m going to be with your dad. I’m going to turn into a mermaid and swim away to him.”

He grabbed her wrists. “No, Mom. No!”

“Don’t you dare jump in after me. Stay in the boat.”

“Moooommmm.”

She shook his shoulders. “Promise me.” He whimpered and she squeezed his shoulders hard. “Promise you’ll stay in the boat.”

“Don’t go, please don’t go.”

“My brave, sweet boy.” She kissed his forehead, then his mouth.

Then she was gone.

She left him without fuel or oars, food or water. She left him an orphan.

Matt recalls screaming for her until he lost his voice. He recalls crying until his tears dried up. He recalls being too afraid to jump into the water, and he’s always regretted that he didn’t. He recalls thinking he hadn’t been enough for his mom to stay. And by the time a fisherman found him two days later, sunburned and dehydrated, after it occurredto Matt to send up a flare, he recalls what he believed about himself: he wasn’t lovable enough for the person he loved most to stick around.

It’s almost sunset when Matt arrives at the spot where his mom had spent most of her last days. He sits on the seawall where he once sat beside her and looks out at the ocean, trying to imagine what his mom must have seen. In some ways, he never left this spot. He’s been sitting here for twenty years. He’s held on to his grief and anger and regret and loathing for so long that they’ve kept him glued here.

Matt still has dreams of his mom turning into a mermaid and swimming away to be with his dad. He closes his eyes and dreams of her now. Then he pictures himself saying to her what he never has before.

“Goodbye, Mom.” He hopes she found peace.

The breeze carries his words over the water, taking his grief with them as he lets it all go. And with that release, he forgives Elizabeth for being incapable of loving him. He forgives his dad for dying. And he forgives his mom for not being strong enough to stay.

Then he forgives himself.

He knows he has a long road ahead of him, but he’s already moving in the right direction just by coming here.

Then there’s Julia, the woman who helped him get to this point. He smiles at that, thinking of the weekend he spent with her when he’d hit rock bottom. He could argue he was hallucinating. He could argue Julia’s wild theory that he was living out one of Ruby Rose’s forgotten memories. What he can’t argue is the truth. Julia was the one on the phone with him. The one who kept calling back. The one who talked him through it all. The one who stayed.

After sunrise, Matt strolls the wooden planks toward his old house. The rears of the homes look over the private waterway, and he can see families getting ready for their day through the windows.

He stops when he reaches the back of his house. He doesn’t know who sold it on his parents’ behalf or what happened to the money. It probably went to Elizabeth. The house has since been remodeled and is home to a new family. He can see three kids packing their lunches in the kitchen. One waves to him. He probably thinks Matt is a neighbor. He’s pleased to see his former house is a home bursting with life. He remembers feeling warm, safe, and loved inside its walls. No wonder moving into Elizabeth’s estate had been a shock to him.

Next door an older woman appears on her deck. She hums as she waters her plants before retreating inside to return with a coffee mug and her iPad. She notices Matt staring at her. She frowns at him, and it clicks. She’s the woman who helped him pack his suitcase for California. She drove him to the airport.

“Mrs. Kinsley?”

“Yes?” Her response is wary. He is a stranger in a private neighborhood.

“It’s Matt. Matt Gatlin,” he says, approaching her.

She blinks, then gasps. “Matt? Is that really you?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“Well, I’ll be. I always wondered what happened to you. Come sit.” She pulls out a chair for him. “And for goodness’ sake, call me Kathy. We’re both adults.”

His mouth quirks. “All right, Kathy.”

“Would you like a cup of coffee?”

“I’d love one.”

“Cream?”

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