Page 43 of Find Me in California

Discouraged, she closes the window to Mama Rose’s bank account and clicks on a browser window where she’s already typedLEA+HOPE+LOSANGELESin the search bar. She stares at the name and zips her rose charm back and forth along its chain.

What are the chances her mother can assist financially? Would she want to?

Julia was three months shy of turning four the first time she met her grandmother Ruby Rose. It was also the last time she saw her mother.

Despite her young age, Julia recalls that day vividly. It’s one of the most poignant memory markers from her life. And her mind always rewinds to that moment whenever Lea crosses her thoughts. A good reminder of the type of woman she is, what she’s capable of.

On that day, Julia stood beside her grandmother on the porch, hugging the filthy rag doll her mother had found in someone’s trash. A single piece of worn luggage squatted at her feet like a neglected puppy.

Mama Rose was screaming at Julia’s mother. “This is it, Lea. The final straw. You can’t have her back if you leave.”

“She’s all yours,” Lea tossed as she strode to the beat-up car that Julia had called home since birth.

Julia trembled at the finality of those three words.

Mama Rose’s cheeks flushed deep red. “You’re never to come back here.”

“No worries there.” Lea splayed her arms. “You’ll never see me again.”

High as a kite, Lea had told Mama Rose that she didn’t want Julia anymore. She wasn’t cut out to be a mother. She deserved more from life than to be saddled with a demanding toddler.

She said she had her car and the man who kept her supplied, Mama Rose had once told Julia. Lea hadn’t wanted anything else.

Julia’s young mind refused to believe her mom. She ran after her only to be yanked back by Mama Rose. Her grandmother hugged Julia as the girl screamed for her mom. She swore to Julia that she was loved and would always be loved. That she was safe with her. She’d never be left to face another dark night alone.

Lea’s rejection wounded Julia emotionally, and it still stings whenever Julia thinks about that day. Because here’s the thing about wounds: they leave scars. Scars diminish over time, and they become less raw. But they never go away. They’re carried for life. They’re tender when poked.

Or in Julia’s case, when her emotional wound, her fear of abandonment, is triggered.

Like when her ex, Nolan, left her.

She met Nolan at the gym her first year in college. She was studying kinesiology. He was prelaw. Initially friends, they’d started dating her third year, remaining together when she had to drop out her fourth year and return home after Mama Rose was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Nolan moved in with them after he graduated. He spent his days at law school and nights studying. Julia divided her time between her shifts at the spa and tending to Mama Rose. She took her to her doctor appointments and helped around the house. They spent weekends tending Mama Rose’s garden. Then Mama Rose fell down the stairs, spraining both ankles.

While her grandmother was bedridden for two weeks, Julia used her paid time off to nurse Mama Rose back onto her feet. But even after she was walking again, Mama Rose’s cane never left her side. It helped her get around. It even became a weapon.

One evening Nolan came home later than usual, exhausted from studying for his exams. Mama Rose didn’t recognize him when he entered the house and went after him with her cane. Nolan was able to yank it from her but only after he’d taken quite a few wallops. Angry welts formed on his arms and back. He suffered a black eye and a split cheek.

“She’s lucky I won’t sue her,” were the first words from his mouth when Julia rushed to the room to defuse the situation. She had to give Mama Rose a sedative to calm her so she could put her to bed.

“It’s her sickness, Nolan. She had a memory lapse and forgot who you are. She never would have attacked you otherwise.” She beggedhis reflection in their bathroom mirror for understanding as she stood behind him while he tended to his cuts and bruises.

His cold stare met hers in the mirror. Chills ran down her arms. He vibrated with anger, but he held himself in check.

“She needs to go into a home, Jules.”

“Thisisher home.”

“She’s only going to get worse.”

Julia’s shoulders dropped. Of course she knew that. She just couldn’t accept Mama Rose’s mental deterioration had reached this point. She was going to lose the first and only person who genuinely loved her.

Nolan turned around, and her gaze dropped to the welts on his chest and collarbone. They were red and inflamed. She gingerly touched the marred skin. His muscles rippled under her fingers, the only sign that he was in pain. She whipped back her hand.

“I’m so sorry.”

“So am I.”

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