Page 98 of Find Me in California

“Likely not, and who’s to say who she was giving the advice to when she saw you at Rosemont. But it was good advice.” And came at the right moment too.

“It was.”

“When are you leaving?” Six hours ago, she wanted him to leave. She wanted to be alone in her grief. Now that she’s over the initial shock of Mama Rose’s death, she isn’t sure she’s ready to be alone.

“I’m booked on a flight to Miami in several hours. I can stay if you need me to, but at some point, I have to go. I have to do this before I change my mind.”

And Julia knows she shouldn’t talk him out of going or convince him to stay because she doesn’t feel like spending today alone. She can be selfish of her time and her needs now. With Mama Rose’s death comes a freedom she hasn’t had before. But she can’t be selfishly uncaring of others. It isn’t in her nature. She’s a massage therapist for goodness’ sake. She won’t force him to take a detour on his own journey toward healing to get through her own.

“Will I see you again?”

He thinks on her question for a moment. “Will you hate me if I can’t answer that right now? I mean, you will see me again. I hope you will. But I can’t say when.”

It saddens her he can’t give her a straight answer, but she shakes her head. She could never hate him.

He fits a hand to her face, and she snuggles a cheek into his palm, closes her eyes, and sighs.

“May I kiss you?” he asks.

Without opening her eyes, she nods. Then his lips tenderly touch hers.

“Goodbye, Matt,” she whispers into his mouth.

“Goodbye, Julia,” he says, lifting his head. He slings his bag over his shoulder and reaches for the door.

“Matt.”

He turns back to her.

“You are enough.”

He goes absolutely still.

“You are enough for me,” she whispers.

His body shudders, and he closes his eyes for a count before they lift to hers. She hopes he believes her, because she means it.

“Thank you.”

She smiles softly. “You’re welcome.”

A short time after Matt leaves for the airport, the sun rises. A new day, her first without Mama Rose. Julia calls into work to take a bereavement leave and wanders the house, restless. She makes tea but doesn’t drink it. She turns on the morning news but doesn’t watch it, so she turns it off and puts on Janis Joplin’s “Cry Baby,” only to turn that off too. She tucks the books she brought home onto the shelves and sits down on the couch, wondering what to do next because with Mama Rose gone, most of her worries are gone too.

She doesn’t have to worry how to pay for Rosemont. She doesn’t have to worry when she can fit in a daily visit. And she doesn’t have to worry if Mama Rose will recognize her, or how worse off she’ll be that day.

All those worries have just been replaced with an indelible sadness.

Julia wipes a rogue tear and looks around the house, not particularly focused on anything. Outside, a car drives past and a jogger coastsup the sidewalk. Inside, she feels a palpable emptiness. There’s also an empty slot on the bookshelf.

Remembering Mama Rose’s diary, she retrieves the journal from her bag. She stands, and another letter, this one addressed to her, falls out.

Fury flashes through her. She doesn’t want a letter from Liza. She wants one from Mama Rose. But she picks it up and unfolds the paper anyway.

Well, Ms. Julia Hope, I read your grandmother’s last entry. For our peace of minds—yours, mine, and Magnolia’s—I forgive her. If that old bat is ever lucid enough to listen to you, you can tell her that.

While we’re on the subject of apologies, Magnolia doesn’t owe me one. Yes, Matty was the love of my life. Yes, she had an affair with him. Yes, I blamed her for my marriage’s demise when it was already beyond salvaging. But when I confronted her, she was honest about it. I can’t say the same about me.

There is more to what I told you this evening. It is true, Adam was the father of my child. But I desperately wanted Aubrey to be Matty’s, and I had everyone convinced she was. At one point, even I believed it. But it wasn’t possible. The timing wasn’t right. Matty was away when I became pregnant with Aubrey, and she didn’t look anything like him.

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