Page 85 of Falling for You Again

“You saw those?”

“Dad gave me copies of the ledgers when I was trying to pitch Uncle Bear to sell me the shop,” I say, returning to my seat.

“Bear has been paying off your dad’s gambling debts.”

Because my uncle will always bail out his little brother. He feels responsible for the problems Dad has now.

Mom fidgets with the tea-bag string. “I didn’t realize how bad his addiction was until six months ago when we took that long weekend to Las Vegas.”

I remember their trip. It was the first vacation I believe they’d ever taken. Mom wanted to see Adele in concert. Dad had bought her tickets. Whatever had happened on that trip, Mom wasn’t speaking to Dad when they returned. It took weeks before she looked his way or gave him anything more than single-word answers to his questions.

“He lost a lot of money—like, a lot. The casino put a marker on him. He couldn’t pay within their thirty-day time frame, and an arrest warrant was issued. We’ve been paying off little chunks here and there, just to keep him out of jail until ...” Mom’s gaze anxiously darts my way.

“No.” I cup my hands over my mouth. “Please tell me that’s not why Uncle Bear sold the building.”

Mom nods.

“How much does Dad owe?”

“One point eight.”

“Million?” I shriek, and she nods, eyes squeezed shut. “Holy shit, Mom. What the hell?”

“I know, I know.”

I don’t know much about gambling, but apparently the casino extended a marker for the value of Dad’s portion, Mom explains to me. But with taxes on the property’s sale, Bear had to contribute a portion of his share to fully pay off the debt. In one weekend, Dad wiped out their portfolio.

“Bear didn’t want you to know, and frankly, neither did I. You think so little of us already. This is just one more way we’ve disappointed you. I was so fed up with him. I mean, how could he make things worse than they already were between us? I couldn’t deal with him anymore. I told him to leave.”

“After all that, Uncle Bear is letting Dad live with him?”

“Your dad has a key to your uncle’s apartment. Bear doesn’t know he’s staying there.”

“Where’s Uncle Bear?”

“Gone. We don’t know where. It’s probably best. It’s hard enough as it is for him to see the shop go.”

Mom sips her tea and goes quiet. I sit silently beside her, reeling, not quite sure what to think about any of this, and I express that to Mom. Her bottom lip trembles, and as angry and confused and betrayed and disheartened as I feel, it doesn’t prevent me from clearly seeing what’s going on with Mom. For the first time in her life, other than when Dad was imprisoned, she is alone. She must be scared, stressed, and nervous too. She lost her job at the shop and her retirement.

“I am really angry with all of you,” I say. “But I’m sorry things worked out the way they have. I’m sorry Uncle Bear sold the building and Dad did what he did.”

“Me too, Meli.”

“It’s going to take a long time to forgive you guys. There’s a lot I need to process. But if you ever want company on your walks, I’d love to join you, if you’ll have me.”

“I’d love that too.”

A shy, fleeting smile touches her lips, and I smile back, neither of us making a move to leave the table.

Several hours later, I’m lying alone in bed in the dark and staring at the ceiling. Blueberry sprawls, belly-up, beside me. I can’t sleep after so much input today, between Isadora’s advice and my talk with Mom. But I’m not thinking about them, or Dad. I’m thinking about Uncle Bear and the ripple effect through our family from his reaction to Aria’s leaving. How distraught and in love and lonely he must have been to believe that turning to drugs was the only way to cope. Then to feel responsible for what happened to us because of his actions. In his own way, he’s been protecting, supporting, and holding our family together ever since.

I don’t agree with his methods—the poor communication and some of his decisions surrounding my well-being. But I can’t imagine the loneliness he must have felt over the years. To forsake love becausehe had lost Aria. To be unwilling to take another chance on love because of the devastating choice he made after Aria deserted him. All this time, I believed he and my parents couldn’t manage living and loving and working together successfully because of the impossibility of balancing their passions in work and life, when it really came down to them just making one mistake after another.

I don’t want to live like them, a half-life, too afraid to go after what they want. Where self-preservation keeps them self-focused to the point of selfishness, remaining stuck in the past and building boundaries around themselves so high because of their fear of rejection. They not only push people away—pushmeaway—but also keep people out. Like they have kept me out.

I’m starting to see what Emi and Isadora were trying to show me. Leaving Aaron so abruptly—pushing him away—is wrong. It’s me mirroring my uncle and parents.

As if my thoughts found him across the city, my phone pings with a text from Aaron. I haven’t heard from him since I saw him last week at Perkatory.

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