Page 26 of Waiting for Redemption

“I never apologized for the way I spoke to you that day,” I say with a pained expression.

“Oh,pfft. It’s fine. Our friendship, if you would have even called it that back then, was fairly new. I probably had no business inserting myself in the first place.” Her voice drops along with her head.

“It’snotfine. I would kill anyone else for speaking to you the way I did, and if I’m being honest, I hate myself for everything I said to you that day. I hope you know how truly sorry I am.” I curse myself inwardly as I remember every hurtful word that left my mouth that day. If I could go back in time I’d tell her to slap me harder because I definitely deserved it.

“Well… thanks for the apology, but you’ve made up for it ten-fold by now. No hard feelings.” She smiles at me and I find myself wondering how I wound up lucky enough to call this woman my friend.

“So… psychology, huh? Did you ever practice anywhere?” I ask, bringing our conversation back around as she readjusts her position on the table. A deflective response to my question.

“I planned to…” She looks past me straight at the wall, her eyes glistening and almost doe-like.

“But?” I move my head slightly, trying to get her attention back on me. Her honey-brown eyes refocus on mine and she takes a sharp breath in.

“I got pregnant shortly after I graduated, had to leave Nevada, and all my plans changed.” Her answer is vague, and I don’t love how she said shehadto leave, but I can tell she isn’t ready to divulge the circumstances behind that statement so I don’t press the matter. I take a deep breath, standing from the table to grab two beers from behind the bar before rejoining her.

“I can relate to plans changing, whether you want them to or not.” I pop the caps off and lean against the wall opposite of Ruby.

“What happened to your plans?” she asks, bringing the bottle up to her full, pink lips.

God, I bet she tastes fucking amazing.

“I got injured and was left with no choice but to leave,” I say, taking a sip from my own beer.

“That’s vague,” she says timidly.

“It is what it is.” She tilts her head, brows knitting together to display her confusion. I know she wants to know more, and after everything she just shared it only seems fair I give a little more detail. I let out a sigh, gathering the courage to talk about the incident that I hadn’t spoken about since the day it happened.

“How much do you know about what I did in the Marines?” I walk over, sitting right next to her on the pool table.

“The fact that you were a Marine is about the extent of my knowledge,” she explains, causing me to let out a small laugh. I take one more quiet moment to gather my thoughts, then I tell her my story.

“I was part of the Marine Raiders special operations group. On my last mission, my team was sent to clear a building. We got word that it had been marked as the target of an impending attack, so we had to make sure all civilians made it out safely. We were headed to clear the last floor and since I was leading I went up first. Slowly rounding the corner of the stairwell, I made sure there weren’t any undetected threats. I was almost to the last step when this guy came out of nowhere and started charging at me. He was unarmed, and we had very strict rules of engagement, which meant we held back fire unless fired upon.

“Me and my guys started stumbling back on impact from this grown ass man just fuckinglungingtowards me. So I’m face to face with this guy, trying to subdue himwithouttaking him out completely, but… he was panicked and absolutely incoherent. He ended up shoving me so hard that I went over the railing before I could even comprehend what was happening. Asmyluck would have it, I didn’t just fall down one floor, I fell down two whole stories before landing on the concrete stairs below. I broke my back on impact and… that was it for me.” I grind my teeth so hard I’m almost certain I hear one of my molars crack. “Turns out, the guy was just a civilian—freaking the fuck out simply because of my team’s presence.” Reliving the story is still just as infuriating—even a year and a half later.

“Holy shit. I had no idea, Tank.” Ruby rests her hand on my forearm and I can suddenly feel the buzz from my anger and alcohol begin to mix, causing a hyper-awareness of her touch. It feels as though her fingertips are lighting my skin on fire as they graze along my tattoos.

“I mean, if I had just seen him a second sooner or grabbed the rail when he put his hands on me—I wouldn’t have let my team down, and I might still be over there doing something that makes me feel worth a damn,” I spit out angrily, standing up as the rage begins pulsing through me. I grab my beer bottle and white knuckle it before throwing it against the back wall. She hops to her feet and stands in front of me, for a split second I think she might be startled, standing to walk away from me for acting so impulsively. But she doesn’t walk away, she stays. She sways briefly, most likely from the alcohol rushing through her from the quick movement, then takes my face in her hands.

“Listen to me. What happened to you was cruel and unfair. I know if you could go back and change what happened, you would. But you can’t, and yes, that sucksso much—but you can’t go through life thinking that you’re worthless just because you can’t serve anymore either. There’s so much more to you than that.” My eyes shift, burning with what I assume are tears, but I blink them away angrily.

“What is it?” she asks, rearing back a little bit. I shake my head, letting out a humorless laugh.

“Tank… Talk to me.” Her thumb caresses my cheek, such a small yet intimate gesture, and that’s all it takes for me to give in to her.

“You’re the only person who’s ever told me there’s more to me than a fight.” My voice is barely a whisper, as I admit that out loud for the first time.

“What?” Her brows knit together, her big brown eyes fixed on mine.

“You know, I spent my whole life getting into fights, whether it was in the locker room, on the mat, or behind the school. But when I was over there, with my team, my fight made a difference. I don’t know how to do anything else. I don’t know who I am without that part of me.”

“Could you ever go back? If you love it so much, and you’re so unhappynotbeing over there, wouldn’t it be worth it to at leasttry?” she asks, the genuine curiosity andcarein her voice doing something unexplainable to my heart.

“There’s plenty of times I catch myself wondering if I could. If I could somehow pass the physical and make it back to my team but… When it comes down to it, I couldn’t live with myself if I made a selfish decision and something happened to them.”

“Are you living with yourselfnowthough? Because to me, it looks an awful lot like you’re in survival mode most days.” Her face is clouded with sadness as she runs her hand along my jawline, causing my eyes to fall shut at her touch. When her thumb caresses my cheekbone again, my eyes find their way to hers, and the same calming effect I’ve felt every time I’ve been around her for the last year washes over me like rain. I take a step back, trying to gain some composure before I give in to the temptation to touch her. To pull her into me and finally see what it feels like to have her body pressed against mine. But before I get too far, before I allow myself the clarity, she pulls me back into her, wrapping her arms around my waist as her head rests on my chest. It takes me a minute to fully understand what’s happening because the last thing I expected was for Ruby to embracemelike this. Like she’s trying to patch me up from the inside out.

“I’m finding moments where it feels more like I’m living,” I say, wrapping my arms around her shoulders. Running my fingers through her long black hair, my head and my heart are at odds about everything I’m feeling right now.

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