Page 56 of Waiting for Redemption

“Hey Rubes, I think we’re gonna head out,” Shane says, waddling over with a pained expression she’s doing her best to hide.

“Of course, I’m so glad you guys made it.” I smile, leaning in to give her a hug. “You okay? You look a little… uncomfortable.” Shane is almost 40 weeks pregnant and has been complaining about little pains here and there that remind me of the days leading up to having Hendrix.

“Yeah, I think I just need to lie down and drink some water. He did so well this season, we are so proud of him,” she says, waving off my concern as she gazes at Hendrix.

“You did good with him. He was by far the best one on that field,” Max agrees, earning a swift elbow to the ribs from Shane. She quickly looks around and grins apologetically at the other parents who just heard Max indirectly insult their kids' skills.

“Yeah, I don’t care. It’s true.” He shrugs, making me laugh as they walk towards the parking lot. I wish I could take credit for how well he’s done, but most of what he learned was from Tank, I just kept doing what he’d taught us. Plus he had a decent coach this season.

“We’re gonna head out too. I have a few late showings today,” Lauren says as she and Leah take turns giving me a hug.

“Thanks for showing up, you guys. I know it means a lot to him.”

“He’s our guy, of course, we’re gonna show up for him.” I smile through the pain of her words as they wave goodbye.

“Mommy! Taylor and Tucker want to buy me an ice cream for scoring the winning goal, can I have one?” he pleads, giving me thoseplease don’t say noeyes.

“Of course, you can, superstar.” I bend down and squeeze him tight, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. “I am so proud of you, Hendrix. You played so hard this season. I hope you’re proud of yourself too.” I smile at him, quickly taking to memory the joy on his face before he takes off towards Taylor and Tucker. I mouth“Thank you”to Taylor who gives me a big smile in return before scooping Hendrix up as they make their way to the concession stands.

I stand there watching a little longer as Tucker lifts Hendrix onto his shoulders and even though they’re about a football field away, I can hear Hendrix laughing as Tucker leans from side to side like he’s going to drop him—which I know he won’t. I giggle to myself and just as I’m about to start packing our things, all of my attention gravitates to a familiar sound. A voice I feel like I haven’t heard in ages carries across the field like it’s riding on the current October breeze.

Tank.

I don’t have to look long before finding him, and a wave of mixed emotions floods through me. I can’t quite seewhohe’s talking to but I could care less when I hear what he says next.

“Yep, number five. Never been more proud in my life.” His deep laugh booms through the air, stealing all of my breath and melting every bit of ice that’s lived around my heart these last six months.

Number five. Hendrix’s number. He showed up for him.

I feel tears forming in my eyes just as a crowd of people walks in front of me, obstructing my view of him. I swallow past the lump in my throat and politely excuse myself, backing up a few steps to let them through. I’m seconds away from leaving all our belongings behind to head in his direction, but when the crowd finally clears he’s nowhere to be found. I look up and down the entire field, and over by the concession stands to see if he was headed to see Tucker, but he isn’t there either. It’s as if he’s just vanished—no matter where I turn there’s no trace of him at all.

I feel my heart sink again as I turn back to finish packing our things.

Did I imagine that?

Have I gotten delusional?

Do I actually miss him so much that I’m hallucinating him?

I try to shake it off so I can meet up with Taylor and Tucker, but as I’m putting our chairs back into their bags, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach that I can’t quite place. It’s not just sadness from thinking about Tank though. It’s similar to that anxious/frightened feeling you get when you leave your baby for the first time after having them and your mind is going through all of the horrible thoughts of what might happen while you’re not around. Or when it feels like something is about to go horribly wrong, you just don’t know what it is yet. But the last time I had this feeling was last year at the mall when I thought I saw–

“So. It seems as though youdidn’ttake care of our little problem, did you Ru?” My stomach immediately drops, not stopping until it feels six feet underground. I turn around slowly, coming face to face with the same man who’s haunted my dreams for the last six and a half years, and panic immediately sets in.

Mark.

PARTTWO

CHAPTER21

TANK

PRESENT DAY

Full commitmentto focusing on myself and the journey to heal my mind.

By far the worst—albeit necessary—thing I’ve ever committed to. Cutting ties with Ruby to become someone she can trust and feel safe around feels like the most contradictory thing I could possibly do, and I’m not even doing it well. I’ve resorted to asking Tucker about her and Hendrix and lurking around the soccer fields just to see for myself that they’re okay. In the short amount of time I got to know Ruby she completely inhabited every part of my mind. Not a day went by where I wasn't thinking about her—her laugh, her eyes, her smile, thoselips. There wasn’t a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for her, and in the process, I was losing pieces of myself I didn’t realize were missing. After starting therapy I realized that I had to let her go, only for a while, if I ever wanted to become a version of myself that could get her back andkeep her. Even though our time apart didn’t start as a plan to focus on myself, I know now that it was needed. I did the right thing, I did what sheasked.But that still doesn’t guarantee everyone will be happy about it.

Shit,I’mnot even happy about it, but the fact that my flashbacks have only been in occasional nightmares, the blackouts have stopped, and the anger I was harboring over things out of my control has been faced and forgiven makes it all seem worth it.

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