Page 34 of #Starstruck

“In sixth grade, phones weren’t allowed in class.” Not that I had even owned one. “So everybody went old school and passed paper notes. To stop that from being a distraction, our teacher, Ms.Ogata, put up a mail board on one wall. During breaks or lunch, anyone could thumbtack a note for someone else on the wall.”

Lexi left me daily notes about her love for Chase Covington, but that wasn’t pertinent to the story.

“One day I walked up and there was a note for me with handwriting I didn’t recognize. From someone who said they had a crush on me but were too shy to say so. It went on for weeks. I tried to catch whoever was doing it, but the board was always crowded so I never got to see who it was.”

Zia blinked drowsily in my arms and rolled over. I shifted as she repositioned herself and went back to sleep.

“In the notes, he said all the things he loved about me. How beautiful I was, how smart and nice, and at first I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was a joke, but after a while it felt real, and I looked forward every day to a new note. I remember watching the boys in my class, trying to guess who it was. To see if anyone would sneak glances at me or give me a secretive smile. Something that would indicate who was responsible. It didn’t happen.”

As I got to the hard part of the story, I had to swallow down the lump in my throat. “The notes indicated that he would tell me his name on the last day of school, that he still felt too shy. I actually started a countdown, excited that somebody thought I was pretty enough and special enough to pay this kind of attention to. But on the last day of school, as I took my letter off the wall, that all changed. It told me how stupid I was. That all my classmates had spent the entire year laughing at me. Who would ever want somebody as ugly and stupid as me? He said he wasn’t even human but a dog who had learned how to write because only a dog could ever be attracted to me.”

I didn’t start sobbing, which I counted as a victory. I did squeeze my sister a little too tightly, and she quietly protested until I eased up. “I cried for three days. Not just because everyone made fun of me but because I had let myself hope and believe. And my trust had been shattered. It made me question everyone’s motives ever since. I never did find out who did it. And I’ve never told anyone this story. Not even my best friend.”

Because if I had, Lexi would have pitied me, and then she would have punched people until someone confessed and she forced them to apologize. I had just wanted everything to go away. I didn’t want to keep dealing with it and dragging it out.

But there was power in confessing. I experienced relief when I put down the burden of this secret and Chase picked up part of it so it no longer sat solely on my shoulders.

“I don’t know if there’s a right thing to say here, but I understand how the things that happen to us as kids can affect us our whole lives. I’m really sorry that happened to you. But whoever did that was an idiot. And completely wrong. And if you knew who it was, I would probably jump in that uncool minivan, find him, and kick his a—” He glanced at the sleeping girls. “Kick his butt.”

I knew I was supposed to be opposed to violence, but the thought that he wanted to avenge my honor thrilled me in a way I didn’t quite understand.

“That is a pretty uncool car,” I agreed. “Even my Honda is better.”

“So what you’re saying is that you’re cooler than me?”

I shrugged, which was not easy with Zia’s weight pulling my arms down. “I didn’t say it.”

That wolfish, predatory grin was back. The one that sent fizzy bubbles of desire rocketing through my bloodstream. “If you’re cooler than me, does that mean I’m hotter than you?”

Um, most definitely.

We were interrupted by Zane and Zander, who had returned because they couldn’t agree on whose turn it was next. Their arguing woke up the girls, and everybody was grouchy and annoyed.

Everybody but me. This was the lightest I had felt in a long time.

As I tried to sort out my brothers’ disagreement fairly, Zelda asked, “Where are the cookies?”

“Cookies?” Chase’s blue eyes sparkled with excitement. “Did you finally make me cookies?”

What was his deal? “I made some this morning, yes.”

I started looking through bags, and after a minute, Chase helped me. But we couldn’t find them anywhere.

“I remember wrapping them up and putting them on the kitchen table. I must have forgotten them.”

He shook his head. “I can’t believe you made cookies and I don’t even get to have any. I feel so cheated.”

“If you want them that badly, I can come over and make you some.” He was really hung up on this.

“Tomorrow? My place?”

“Sure.”

“But I wanted dessert, Zo,” Zelda complained, clutching her sandy Mr.Wriggles closer. He probably had another visit to the washing machine in his near future.

“We could go to the ice cream shop on the boardwalk,” Zander suggested, and that made even Zia throw off her tiredness.

She crawled off my lap and stood in front of me, her big gray eyes pleading and her hands clasped together. “I want isacheme, Zo-Zo. Please.”

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