Page 87 of #Starstruck

Feel like myself again.

Early Monday morning I had to go to school. I got up in enough time to beat the traffic, but my mom was already in the kitchen, packing school lunches.

“There are some reporters on the front lawn,” she offered.

“What?” I went into the living room and peeked through the blinds. Sure enough, there were three guys standing outside, waiting for me. “That’s probably going to happen for a while,” I said apologetically.

“The only exciting thing they’ll see around here is Zia’s rear end when she takes off her diaper to run in the sprinklers. Don’t worry about us. We won’t say a word. School’s almost done. Take your finals. Look for a job. Get all your ducks in a row.”

I didn’t know if I could get my ducks in a row, but I could probably manage to herd them into the same pond. Because I didn’t want to blow it, either. I was so close to graduating that this was not the time to drop the ball. I gave my two-week notice to Mrs.Mendel via e-mail, because I didn’t want to work a job that Chase had found for me. I had some savings and just had to hope it’d be enough for living expenses until I found a full-time salaried job.

I went back to my apartment, not knowing if Lexi would be there. She wasn’t, and I didn’t see a note or any sign that she’d been there since she’d stormed out.

I wondered whether my mom was right about Lexi.

Turned out she wasn’t. Lexi didn’t come around in forty-eight hours.

It took seventy-two.

My day felt so dark and awful that it should have come with Swedish subtitles. I was getting ready to go to class when I heard Lexi’s key in the front door. I stood, stomach roiling, not knowing what would happen when I saw her.

What happened was she threw herself in my arms and hugged me tightly, begging for my forgiveness. “I am the worst friend ever. I never should have said those things to you. Can you ever forgive me?”

“No, I’m the worst. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have told you about Chase!”

We cried and talked over each other and apologized and then finally sat at the kitchen table to work things out.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I’d done nothing for the past three days but think about why I had lied to the people I loved. “I had all these reasons why I couldn’t tell you. But they weren’t reasons. They were excuses. Rationalizations. I think part of me couldn’t believe someone like Chase could really love me. I was just always waiting for the other shoe to drop.” My chest constricted, and I could feel tears coming on. “Because deep down I knew I wasn’t worthy of him, and telling other people about it would have reminded me of all my shortcomings and flaws. I knew we wouldn’t last. I just didn’t want everybody to remind me of how hopeless it all was.”

Lexi got up to hug me. “You stop that right now. You are absolutely worthy of him. If anything, he doesn’t deserve you. But I wish you’d told me. I wish you’d let me help you.”

“You know how hard it is for me to trust people. Even you.”

She nodded. Her arms were wrapped around me, and I felt guilty for not being more confident in our friendship. For letting my insecurities and doubt rule my life.

“And you trusted him.”

I could only nod, knowing if I spoke right then, I would cry. Her arms tightened around me like she understood. We stayed that way until my shoulders relaxed, and she finally let go and sat down in her chair.

“Now that I’ve had a chance to mull it over, I’m not mad that you dated Chase.”

That surprised me. “You’re not?”

“Maybe a teensy bit jealous. But if he wasn’t interested in me, don’t you think the best thing in the world was him dating my best friend? Don’t you know I want only amazing things for you? I’m not upset about him. I was upset you lied. It’s so unlike you.”

“Some part of me was also afraid he would love you instead of me.” I didn’t need to remind her about all my high school crushes who had liked her more. “I convinced myself that at first what was happening between me and him was nothing and wasn’t even worth talking about.”

“And now?”

“And now ... he became everything to me.” And he was out of my life for good.

Lexi gave me a sad smile. “I totally overreacted. And I was melodramatic. But that’s kind of my brand,” she said with a teasing shrug.

“It’s why everybody loves you.”

She suddenly burst into tears, and I reached across the table to put my hand on top of hers. “What did I say? What’s wrong?”

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