Page 107 of #Moonstruck

As my heart cartwheeled like an Olympic gymnast in my chest, all the emotion left Ryan’s face. He looked like he’d been carved out of granite. “Next question,” he instructed.

Freezing grief—all-encompassing, numbing, and painful—swallowed me up.

I’d lost him.

And it was all my fault.

Then they talked about Ryan’s next album, and he spoke excitedly about how different the sound would be. More adult. More rock. More real instruments.

It was everything he’d wanted. The reason we’d had a fake relationship in the first place. Despite my own pain at losing him, I was happy for him.

I wanted to tell him.

Why couldn’t I tell him? There was nothing to stop me from texting him. We were leaving for our tour the next day. I didn’t know how texting would work once I was in Europe. This might be my last chance.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed my phone and entered his number.

I pushedSEND, my fingers shaking. I waited. And waited.

No response. Maybe I needed to stay away from small talk and tell him how I felt.

Still nothing.

What was he thinking? Had I really screwed things up so badly that he wouldn’t even respond to my text?

Finally, two hours later, I put my phone away. There wouldn’t be any response.

Ryan had just let me know, loud and clear, that we were 100 percent over.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Angie had offered to drive me to the airport, and I agreed. She talked about her wedding plans with Fox, and I promised to fly back for the event. I kept my gaze pointed out the window, only half listening. I hadn’t slept at all last night, devastated by Ryan’s lack of response.

It had hit me all over again how much I missed him. How much I had missed him ever since New York. Missing him became so all-encompassing that it was like a black hole had opened up inside me, sucking up everything else so that I could no longer do anything but think about him.

“Ryan troubles?” Angie correctly guessed. She knew all about my epiphany.

“I texted him last night, and he didn’t answer. I guess it really is over.” My voice caught on the last word, and I focused on breathing in and out.

We came to a red light, and Angie held out her hand. “Let me see.”

I gave it to her, and she quickly read through my short messages. “I can’t believe Ryan didn’t say anything back. I mean, if you could see him ...” Her eyes went wide, as if she’d just admitted to something she shouldn’t have. “What I meant to say was if he could see you, see how much you’ve grown and that you’re willing to own up to your mistakes, I think it would change everything.”

“Yeah, I’m super self-actualized now.” And super alone.

“I didn’t mention it before, but Ryan’s throwing a party tonight to celebrate his new single.”

With Skyler Smith,I reminded myself.

“If you want, I could find out what’s going on.”

“No!” I told her, taking my phone back. The light turned green, and Angie reluctantly moved with traffic. “He was pretty obvious here. I have to take the hint.”

“If that’s what you want.”

What I wanted was Ryan back in my life, but I was trying to accept that as a non-option. “The worst part is the guilt. I really wish I could at least apologize, if nothing else.”

“The best thing you can do with guilt is learn from it. And move on.”

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