Page 29 of #Awestruck

“Grandma?” In all the time I’d known him, he’d never mentioned a grandmother. “Why didn’t you stay with her after your parents’ accident?”

“She had a pretty severe stroke a long time ago, when I was a little kid. She’s unable to communicate or interact, and she’s living in a nursing home.”

I started to feel uneasy. “You could move her.”

“I could move her. But I wouldn’t want to. Portland is her home. This is my home. I try to get out to visit her every Tuesday morning during the season.”

The uneasiness inside me started to bloom into something darker and ickier. The feeling nagged at me, and I had the sneaking suspicion it might be guilt.

Then I got annoyed with Evan for making me feel guilty. “What does any of this have to do with what happened between you and me?”

He picked up his water glass and took a quick drink. “Sorry, I started off down that road but got a little sidetracked. The point of what I was trying to tell you was that when you knew me, my family was gone. I was estranged from my ‘substitute’ family. The only family I had were the guys on the team. For about six months after the accident, they were the only thing that kept me from throwing myself off a bridge. And I should have been stronger, and I should have stood up to them when they went after you. I was afraid that if I went against them, they would turn their backs on me. I just ... I didn’t want to lose the only family I had left. I’m sorry.”

I could understand what he was saying. I didn’t know what I’d do without my parents and my two sisters. Losing my grandparents had been hard enough.

I’d been so angry at him for so long for something he hadn’t even done. If he was to be believed, and in that moment I did believe him, he didn’t have anything to do with the letter or the constant teasing. And I understood why he hadn’t stood up for me. How could I blame him for having a very human reaction?

It still didn’t let him off the hook entirely. He needed to know what he had done to me. “I appreciate that, and I even kind of get it. But do you have any idea how hard my life was back then? Do you know that for the crime of having a crush on you, I was bullied and tormented and teased to the point that my parents had to pull me out of school? That I suffered from depression because of it? That all my friends ditched me, including you?” My voice cracked on the last word, and with horror I realized I was about to start crying.

A look of deep concern settled on his perfect features. This time he did reach out and hold my hand.

And I didn’t pull away.

“Ashton, there is nothing I can say to make up for what happened. If I could go back and fix it, I would. But I can’t change the past.”

“You could at least have the decency to be haunted by it.”

His grip tightened. “I’m haunted by it every day in so many ways. And if you never want to see me again, if that’s what I can do for you, I’ll do it. I hope it’s not, because I’d like for us to be friends again.”

“Yeah. Sounds like you still need a kid sister.”

A rueful smile twisted his lips, and he let go of my hand. Weirdly enough, I felt sad when he did it. “I won’t ask for your forgiveness yet. If you’ll let me, I’d like to try and earn it. But for now, how about we dig in before our food gets completely cold?”

My appetite had returned with a vengeance. And something else was different. I felt ... lighter. Like by letting him explain and apologize, a weight had been taken from me. One I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying around.

Maybe I should have let him explain it years ago.

I had just cut my first bite of filet mignon when he said, “Tell me about your family.”

“I have one.”

My default setting had been sarcasm for so long it took me a second to register what I’d just said. “I’m sorry, Evan. That was really insensitive of me. I wasn’t trying to be mean. Just to blow off your question.”

“Which is kind of mean in and of itself.”

He didn’t seem to be hurt by what I’d said, but now I got to feel like the world’s biggest jerk.

“I don’t know how to stop being mad at you,” I admitted. “I can’t just flip a switch.”

“Maybe you could pretend I’m someone else. That we’re meeting for the first time, and this is our first date. Hi. I’m Evan Dawson. Nice to meet you.” He held out his hand, ready to shake mine.

“I appreciate the gesture, but there’s too much that’s happened to just pretend to ignore it. I probably need some time.”

He picked up his lobster tail and studied it, like he was trying to figure out the best offensive move to crack it open. “So we can still work on the reunion committee together?”

“Sure.” I could handle that.

“And maybe we could hang out some other times? The last time we playedMadden, I’m pretty sure I won.”

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