Page 55 of #Awestruck

He looked at me like he wanted to say something more but held it back. I thought he might kiss me goodbye. Or hug me. But instead, he just raised one hand and walked back toward the hospital.

I didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed.

As I made my way to the parking lot, I wondered: Was my problem that he was always around, or did it just seem that way because I couldn’t stop thinking about him?

On Wednesday morning I got up early and laid my clothes and shoes for Thanksgiving out on my bed. My mom liked us to dress up.

My plan was to drive over to a nearby high school track and do a few miles. Maybe running would give me some clarity for my current situation.

Part of the problem was that although Evan talked a good game about us and his supposed feelings for me, other than that one night at dinner, he hadn’t really let me know what he wanted out of this ... whatever it was. Only a friendship? Just because he’d said I was hot didn’t mean he wanted to be serious with me. Did he want something more? And had that all changed when we’d been forced into this situation?

Maybe I should ask him today. Find a clever way to work it into the conversation so that it would seem like no big deal, and I didn’t care one way or the other if he was interested.

But if he was ... was I? Did I want to date him? Being combustibly attracted to him wasn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

In the middle of my running and pondering, my phone beeped with a text. It was from Brenda. I came to a stop to read it.

I glanced at my phone’s clock. I didn’t have enough time to go home and shower and get changed. Every minute I delayed would be a minute that Brenda would get madder. I thought about reminding her that I had the day off, but lots of people would be working at ISEN all throughout the holidays, given the high number of sporting events that needed to be covered.

If she was demanding that I come in, she was going to have to take me as I was. Thankfully I wasn’t too gross because I hadn’t been trying to break a sweat. Just to clear my head.

On my way over I decided it was a good thing Brenda had called me in. I was having so many doubts about this whole situation that I was considering putting a stop to it all. There had to be a way to back out gracefully and still be able to get a full-time job with the station come January.

When I got up to the intern floor, it was dark. I went into Brenda’s office, and she had her lights off as well. She was facing away from her desk, toward one of the TV screens in her office.

It was totally creepy and intimidating.

“Have a seat, Ashton.”

Her voice sounded ominous, and my heart beat double time as I sat down.

She used a remote to turn on her TV. She had a clip of Evan and me from the previous day’s press conference, paused at the moment just before Evan kissed me.

“Do you see this?” she asked, pointing with her remote. “Do you see that pathetic, sappy look on your face? I can actually tell the moment when he won you over. When you started to fall for that American pie, Fourth of July, football fantasy that Evan Dawson sells.”

I started breathing hard, anxiety overwhelming me. I didn’t do well when people in authority spoke to me this way.

“Watch this.” She pressedPLAY. “It is so obvious that the two of you hadn’t ever kissed before that moment. It was actually painful to watch. Look at how staged it is! Like somebody had to coach you through it beforehand.”

Even though she was berating me and making snide comments, the kiss wasn’t painful. It was ... amazing. And watching it made me feel all over again everything I’d felt when it was happening.

Maybe it was sad that a pretend kiss was easily one of the best kisses of my entire life, but I didn’t think it looked staged or fake.

And I hated that she was trying to ruin this for me.

“What if Evan’s telling the truth? What if he is just a nice guy?”

“What if he is just a nice guy?” she mimicked me in a mocking, nasally tone. “Really? You’re being suckered into this? I thought you knew better. I thought you had some revenge you needed to inflict. If I’d assigned Rand to this story, he wouldn’t be all moony-eyed over Evan Dawson. You’re one of only two female interns in this office. Do you know how much harder we have to fight? How much more is expected of us?”

I was responsible for the perception of women for the entire company? That didn’t seem fair, but I was way too freaked out to say as much.

Brenda was on a roll. “Do you know why I hired you? Because you reminded me of myself. Strong, ambitious, driven. Willing to do whatever it took to rise to the top.”

Getting told off like this tended to make me shut down, which was what was happening right now. I kept trying to regulate my breathing, but it wasn’t working.

She stood up and turned off the TV, plunging the room into darkness. She flipped a light switch, and I blinked, blinded by the sudden brightness.

“Evan Dawson is using you,” she said. “For his contract renegotiation. So he’s going to say whatever he has to say and do whatever he has to do to get you on his side. To play along until he doesn’t need you anymore, and then he’ll dump you.”

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