Page 73 of #Awestruck

“But this job, this opportunity, it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“Is it? Or is it all Grandma wanted? And it sort of became your dream?”

My brain internally gasped. No one had ever said that to me before. It had always just been my dream that my grandmother shared. But how could that be true? What four-year-old wanted to be a sports announcer someday? She’d settled on being a reporter since she knew she’d never, ever become an announcer. That opportunity was denied to my grandma in her career, and she spent my entire life telling me I should want it.

Did I, though? Was it something for me, or a mantle put on my shoulders by somebody else? I couldn’t tell where my grandmother’s hopes began and my dreams ended. It was all blended together.

It was like when I tried to stop being angry with Evan in the beginning. I didn’t know how to let go of it. Just like I didn’t know how to let go of wanting to become an NFL announcer.

I’d never questioned my ambition before.

It was something I’d need to think more about.

“I don’t know,” I finally told her. “I do know that at some point Brenda’s going to fire me, and that devastates me.”

Aubrey finally began to eat, and she spoke in between bites. “Let her fire you. People get fired. It happens. And somehow the world keeps spinning.”

“You don’t understand how this feels because you’ll never be in this position.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t point out that you’re being stupid. Not to mention that you wouldn’t have to worry about Evan finding out. If you’re someplace new, it doesn’t matter what your old boss asked you to do. You don’t necessarily have to tell him all of the truth.”

“Right. Because who wants a relationship based on communication and honesty? Gross.”

“I just mean that if you’re worried the Brenda stuff might be a deal breaker, because I would be freaking out about that if I were in your shoes, this is a way to avoid all of it. Your options are to either come clean to him or just look for a new job.”

I picked at the lo mein with my chopsticks. “Do you think I should tell him?”

Aubrey just shook her head. “I can’t tell you that. It has to be your decision. I will say that from the moment he came back into your life, even though you’ve acted annoyed or put out, you’ve been excited. Besides this job stuff, do you think about anything else besides him?”

“Not really.”

“Tell me you’re not developing real feelings for him.”

“I ...” The word died in my mouth. I couldn’t lie to Aubrey. She was a lawyer and had mom-level liedar. She would see right through me. “Okay, I have feelings for him. Maybe I’m even falling in love.” It was the first time I’d said it out loud. “But it’s too soon, right? Too fast?”

“Who’s to say what’s too fast? And you guys have a history together and a former friendship. It’s not like you’re just meeting him for the first time. And I’m the wrong person to say that something is happening too soon because I knew the first night I met Justin that we’d be together forever.”

This whole conversation was twisting my stomach up in knots, especially since Brenda’s words about being “that girl” came back to haunt my psyche. “But if I quit, isn’t that like choosing a man over my career?”

“No,” Aubrey scoffed. “It’s choosing to not work for a deranged sociopath who has violated, like, ten different laws. The way she treats you is neither normal nor acceptable. It’s not my area of expertise, but let me know if you want to start a hostile work environment lawsuit. I have a friend from law school who can do it.”

That was all I needed. To sue ISEN. Then I’d definitely never work there again.

Our server returned to refill our water glasses, and I asked her to box up my food for me. I’d have to eat it later when my stomach had settled.

Aubrey leaned in and lowered her voice. “Speaking of awful things your boss said, between us, you have wanted to take things further with Evan, haven’t you? The thought has crossed your mind?”

“Well, yeah. But I’m not going to.” In large part because I respected him and his decision, but some tiny egotistical part of me refrained because Evan had such fantastic self-control that I didn’t want to suffer through the humiliation of being shot down. “But to be honest the delayed gratification and all that restraint, the anticipation, it’s actually kind of hot. I think kissing is way underrated. I’d forgotten how much fun it could be when it can’t lead to anything else.”

It was almost like my teenage self actually was getting to date Evan. I’d discovered that being with him was about the journey and not the destination. And so far we’d spent a fair amount of time dedicated to the journey.

Which was awesome.

Aubrey and I chatted some more as she finished up her lunch and then graciously paid the check. I thanked her, and we hugged goodbye after we walked out of the restaurant. She headed for the lobby and its elevators, and I went back to the ISEN building.

My sister was right. I needed a new job.

But whether or not to tell Evan? That was a whole big processing/freak-out for another day.

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